happy fathers day!!!!!
if you are here looking for poetry, it is currently being posted on my creative blog, just paisley....
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Eye in the Sky by =ahermin on deviantART when you live in an area that is usually blanketed in fog to wake up to a blue sky is a vision of loveliness,, but to do so two days in a row is really a blessing.. as down as i have been lately i refuse to be depressed when the sun is shining and the sky is blue.. days like this are to few and far between.. strange isnt it the tie in between the shining of the sun and the emotions that we feel?? i know that when it is gray and gloomy for days at a time i can hardly bring myself to carry on let alone be thankful for the things i know i have to be thankful for… but when the sun is shining and the sky is blue i feel lighter, happier, more capable of living.. my only wish is for someone to share the beauty of the day with.. today i will have the opportunity to share the beauty of this day with everyone i come into contact with at work.. sure,, i’d like to have a person of my own to share with,, but at this precise moment in my life,, my customers and the dogs will have to do……
i have either lost my balls or grown a heart… i cannot tell which.. but i do know that for the first time in my life i cannot bring myself to take the clothes on my back,, my dogs,, and my computer and just move on.. no matter how desperately i want to go home i know i have made a commitment to ben and i must honor it.. he has generously offered me not only his friendship and devotion,, but also the use of this house now and the privilege to keep it as my own when he is gone.. in return he asks only that i be his friend.. that i stay around and make sure he is alright,, and when the time comes that i take care of him should he need me to do so in his advanced age.. selfishly, i want to drop everything and hit the road.. i want to go home so bad i can taste it and yet i know i cannot.. even a visit is not on the books for the time being as i have an elderly dog that needs me and i couldn’t leave her behind, nor would i put a 36 hour drive in her future i don’t know that she would survive it.. so baring a miracle i will not be able to visit or move home any time in the near future.. the reason i want to go home so badly is that i feel that that is where my support system is.. here i have a therapist for one more week,, as the state of california only allows poor people like me to work with the therapy interns,, and my therapists internship is over at the end of this month.. she and i have one more visit and then she is gone,, and i will have no replacement till september when the new crew of interns come to our area.. i do of course have ben,, and bless his heart he does try to understand,, but it s difficult for a naturally reclusive old man to understand the longings of a middle aged woman… and i have cindy, my friend and owner of the bakery where i am working part time.. she has been in a similar situation once in her life,, and she understands that even tho i say i am ok and i go thru the motions a lot of the time i am not really ok at all.. she has already told me if i know i am in a meltdown situation do not hesitate to call her and let her know i am not physically able to make it into work… so the foundation has been laid,, i just need to build upon it,, or learn to use it.. i need to learn that it is ok to reach out for help when i am not capable of helping myself.. and continue to build on the small but precious support system i have here.. and given time a way will make itself available for me to at least go home for a visit and who knows maybe someday i will even be free to move back there.. but for the time being i must honor my obligations to ben and my dogs and just keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how impossible it may seem at the moment.. time marches on and someday i will find myself far from this place and this self imposed isolation and back home where my heart is… just not today…
i have spent a life time trying to find a place to call home.. i have lived in six states, 22 different cities, and probably inhabited close to 100 different abodes and never really felt like i was home.. where i am never seems to be where i really belong.. and this place is no different.. i feel like a renegade,, an outsider,, a lost person in a lonely place i call home for now,, but know in my heart it is not and never will be my home.. in fact i have often thought that i had no home,, no place i really belonged… this last few weeks has made it clear to me that what i need to do when i am able is to move back to ohio.. my sisters are there. my friends are there,, the only ones that aren’t there are my parents but they will be there later this month for a visit so if i was there i would be able to see them too.. i have decided that someday,, once i am free of my obligations to ben i will make my way back to ohio as it seems that is where my heart is… for the time being i am just marking days,, days that will i am sure turn into years before i can make my way back home,, but at least now i have a place to call home even if i am not there.. i have begun talking to ben about the possibility of me going back for a visit, although even that i cannot do for quite some time as my kymarina is old and needs me.. but some day inga and i will make that long drive back to ohio and see all the people that i love and miss so much… this week has been particularly difficult in light of the fact that i have reestablished communication with my exhusband,, and even tho we divorced he is the only man that was ever really good to me,, the only relationship i have ever been in that made me feel like i belonged there.. there was no violence or abuse,, even the divorce was more or less amicable.. there was no argument about material possessions,, or the kids or any of that,, i agreed to his terms on everything since it was me that wanted out of the marriage.. until recently i always thought he hated me.. that he wanted me to disappear and never come back,, that he wanted me to stay away from him and the kids,, but i was wrong,, i was projecting my own guilt and shame and not really paying attention i guess, because according to him he is happy to have me in his life again. happy that i am ok and want to communicate not only with him but with the kids,, (both grown adults now) even tho, as i am sure you can imagine my emerging from the internet after 20 years has created a bit of an odd situation for all of us… so this last few days i have been particularly homesick but in a way i guess even that is a good thing as it is a new experience for me as finally i have a place that i know in my heart i belong.. a place to call home… and someday i hope to be able to leave here and go back there,, back where i belong. to the place i now know i can call home..
fog by Ohaniella on deviantart an impenetrable fog this weeks prompt on sunday scribblings is absurd…
invisable-grrrl by heidivylyn at deviantart i have come to a point i miss my words
image courtesy of Super CuteFactory.com just for the record, i started back to work yesterday at the busy bee bakery and my first day went like a dream.. my boss,, who is also a friend of mine,, was as thrilled to have me there as i was to be there so that makes me feel really good.. i live in a costal region so the weather is very important when it comes to how much business we are going to get and this morning we awoke unexpectedly to a beautiful blue clear sky, (as i write this i do see some fog rolling in) despite a weather report that called for mostly cloudy and possible rain,, so i am thinking today might even be busy,, and i will have the opportunity to interact with more people than i did yesterday.. the coolest part about my new job is the fact that i am working with a girl i have been friends with for three years since the bakery is located right next door to the deli i used to work at,, and she and i get on famously.. it is more like spending time with a friend than it is like working and i am thinking that is just what the doctor ordered… currently i only have a schedule that includes today and tomorrow,, but i have already spoken to the people at disability and they will send me out some time sheets so that any money i am due from disability that i do not make while i am at work (since my hours are limited) will be made up by the people at disability so i am thinking if all works out well i will be fine… i will never get rich,, but will make enough to support myself for the most part… things are looking up here in my little corner of the world and i am thrilled to be able to say for once i do not feel the weight of the world upon me,, but rather feel light as if a great weight has been lifted and i am alas free to move on… i made a gratitude list this morning.. i had to..
it was 6am and i already had to build a fire because it was freezing,, and here it is june 11th.. i had been up since 2am as kylie pooped the bed again last night and woke me up to let me know.. it was easy enough to clean up and i thought all was right with the world till i got about an hour into a lengthy email response to the ex when my computer shut itself down to install some updates (i hadn’t even been paying enough attention to to know it was running the auto updater….) and i lost the whole letter i had written and had to start again… i thought i would publish it here not so much because i think you are interested in what i am grateful for but rather so that i could reflect upon it throughout the day… you see,, i am having a really difficult time being grateful for anything lately.. i am lonely and depressed and attention starved and i need to be reminded that even tho i am feeling that way right this moment,, i have a lot to be thankful for.. a lot… and i forget about it all too easily….. my gratitude’s: i am thankful to have my dogs and a safe warm place to raise them. so as i make it thru this day,,, and i can already tell it is going to be a long one,, i will try to remain focused on all of the above mentioned gratitudes and remind myself that i do have more reasons than many to be grateful….
walking in the air by dezera on deviantart amidst all the craziness and frustration that has been the last few weeks,, even months of my life,, i have been given the very best gift of all… my ex husband, the father of my children has found me on facebook… alas after 20 years we are reunited and talking to each other like old friends… never in a million years did i think he would ever want to talk to me again,, let alone talk to me without anger, animosity, or frustration.. this is a dream come true for me… it is like going home again to be able to talk to him and catch up on all that we hold in common.. and the silver lining is i might get the opportunity to get to know my kids after all… granted they are both grown adults now,, and the ultimate decision to either communicate with me or not will remain with them,, but,, knowing that i have their fathers blessing is something dreams are made of.. this week seems like a turning point.. i have a new job to look forward to come friday,, i cut my hair again and i believe the artificial color is off sufficiently to just let it grow back in from this point,, and i have a connection to my ex and my kids after all of these years.. tell me what more could a girl ask for??? just want to let you all know i went to see my doctor today and even though he kept me on disability,, he did give me the option of working a few hours a week and then just squaring off monetarily with the people at disability,, so i am not at all sure how that works out but once i actually work and get paid for it i will contact them and find out.. i also spoke to my financial worker at human services and she said just bring her the check stub when i get one and we will see how it changes the way my health insurance works then.. so i guess you could say all went well,, but, i would have to be more adept at knowing the system and how it works to give you any further explanation than that… so then i talked to cindy at the bakery and she said i could work fri, sat and sun this week,, a total of like 12 hours but still that is 12 hours i am out of the house and having human contact so i am not complaining… it is just good to know i am almost thru this dark patch and have something to look forward to… speaking about dark patches…..its june 8th, it is after noon and i am building a fire it is so cold in my house… what is wrong with this picture??? maybe the weather gods have are having a creative block as well as they cannot seem to produce anything even close to of spring worth sharing.. |
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