as weird as it may seem,, having publicly admitted my willingness to accept defeat, has actually pushed me to do something i have spent a handful of years consciously not doing… i actually made an appointment to go speak to the local doctor on monday..

i need to get my bloods done.. it has been nearly ten years since i was diagnosed with hepatitis c.. at that time i checked my liver enzymes,, my viral load,, and had a liver biopsy, and since the results of all of those tests were totally non threatening,,, i promptly walked away from the diagnosis…

in addition to checking on the status of my liver,, i want to do my cholesterol,, my sugar,, check my thyroid function,, and see if there is any way he can tell by the hormone levels in my blood,, if i am actively in the change of life,, or if once again i should just fall back on plain old insanity to explain my mood swings, panic attacks,, and ultimate lack of luster for life…

once i have come clean with him about the little hepatitis thingy,, maybe i will feel better at liberty to attack the subject of my unwillingness to even attempt quitting smoking.. currently, it is my assumption that if i am already sick,, why not allow myself this one simple pleasure?? and believe it or not,, smoking is ultimately the only real pleasure in which i still allow myself to indulge..

i have smoked for 32 years.. smoking has been the best (oft times the only) friend i have ever had.. my cigarettes have  followed me everywhere,, loved me when even i couldn’t love myself,, and never, never let me down…. truth be told,, i cannot imagine myself ever quitting..

it has become so much a part of who i am,, that i can literally visualize myself alternating puffs of oxygen with a pull off a cigarette somewhere in the not so distant future- ever so much more than i can picture myself being counted among the ranks of the non smokers in our society..

if the truth be told, the current level of self righteous, elitism that has permeated many of that ilk,, only heightens my desire not to quit..  very frankly,  the possibility of being guilty,, even by association, should i decide to be counted among that number,, nauseates me… i want no part of a sector of our society that not only believes they have been handed a license to discriminate,, but proudly displays it like some kind of sick badge of honor..

in a world that cannot even seem to overcome the racial, religious, and/or sexual biases that have been handed down thru the generations like some kind of a diseased birthright,, it just sickens me that there are those among us that would not only allow for,, but purposefully create and continue to nurture,, yet another barrier…

anywhoo…. first things first… maybe if my hepatic panels are benign enough he will give me drugs to help me quit smoking… ahhhhh,,, drugs… oh,, i do like the sound of that……

Sir Isaac Newton

church and state by hayaji on deviantart

for those of you that are totally and completely sick and tired of the ongoing discussion surrounding the recent failed propositions that would extend the legal privilege of conjugal equality to all people regardless of sexual persuasion- i just need to say one thing,, and then i promise not to discuss it again…

church and state….

is it just me,, or has everyone,, including those who sponsored the bill,, seemingly missed the point entirely??? correct me if i am wrong,, but a proposition is a legal issue.. it has nothing to do with religion.. a proposition is a precursor to a law,, not a moral statement… it has nothing what so ever to do with where an individuals moral obligation to their god falls… the question here,, is whether or not the the state should grant same sex unions the same legal privileges enjoyed by heterosexual couples.. (since i cannot personally think of any advantages (legal or otherwise) to being married,, i will refrain from listing them for you here…..)

people seem to forget that if they allow the bylaws of the church to infiltrate the civil rights laws,, they are leaving the door open for the state to, in turn,  infiltrate the laws of the church… do you want your federal, state and/or local government infringing on your right to practice your chosen religion?? of course you don’t..

however,, if you allow individual states to nullify the first section of the 14th amendment to the constitution where in it states: “  …. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” (which by the way,, was put into law to secure the rights of former slaves)

-can reneging on the first amendment,, the one that assures each of us the freedom to practice our chosen religion,  be far behind??

as adults we try to inculcate into our children the importance of weighing the consiquences of their actions,, before they act…  as my last statement on this issue,, i would suggest, that in this instance,, we do just that.

there,,, i said it… i feel much better now….

my little kymarina, at 13 weeks….

my big red dog, kymarina,, has always had issues.. i blame them on the fact that she was born in a shelter,, and lived the first 12 weeks of her life in a cage.. a cage in which she was expected to eat, sleep, and shit.. a cage with a door that was evidently slammed on her little puppy tail,, causing it to be scarred and crooked her whole life..

i wonder sometimes,, why even the relatively good life she has had with me for the last 11 years has not been enough to rid her of the emotional scars of those twelve short weeks.. why the fact that she is fed and warm and loved cannot make up for those incidences so long ago that caused her to become scared of everything.. why to this day, she will shy away from even my outstretched hand..

today,  she is scared to death of the vinyl flooring.. (and yes,, i do have old 70’s gold patterned vinyl flooring throughout the entirety of my house,,, but hey,, its mine,, its paid for,, and its gonna stay there till it gives me reason to replace it……) she seems to think she is going to slip on it,, she gets herself so worked up,, that when she finally has the courage to step onto it,, she is in such a panic,, that she does slip,, she does fall,, and it only serves to re-enforce her fear….

this morning, as i moved the throw rugs around,, making a walkway for her to brave the 10 feet between the kitchen area and the bed,, i couldnt help but think about how much she and i have in common..

Pain by ~Racoon-kun on deviantART

after careful consideration,, it has become evident that at this point in time,,  i am either unwilling or unable to eliminate my remaining hurtful behaviors, knowing full well they will eventually cause my body to turn on itself, much like that of the caterpillar we spoke of earlier..

i tell myself it is because i am comfortable here.. that it is who i am- who i have always been..  to eliminate those behaviors,, no matter how destructive i may know them to be,, would be to sell off the last essence of self, the only portions of me that i am still familiar with.. those last little pieces of a life that i fought so long and so hard to live…

i fantasize,, that it is because the beast is not yet satiated.. that it continues to be desirous of more.. that it rebukes my every effort to treat, even my human form, in a manner that is consistent with life..  that it takes great pleasure in my becoming increasingly disinterested in anything outside the sphere of my little world..  that it counters any desire i might have to change,, by heightening my obsession with the last few behaviors on which it still sees fit to feed..

but deep inside i know,, it is because the pain is not yet great enough….

part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices

silouette by ~cpt-smith on deviantART

lately i find myself completely without vision.. it is as if a case of adult onset ADD has enshrouded me,, and i am not only unable to break free,, but truth be told,, quit thrilled to be here…

no thoughts- no feelings- no great uprising of emotions… just floating along on a little cloud called ‘nothing really matters’… and at this precise moment in time,, i cannot help but feel,,, all is as it should be…..

be back soon…..

Voices by *JasonJacenko on deviantART

we all have little voices in our head..  the most audible of those voices is one we commonly refer to as the conscience,, or the voice of reason.. the prevailing role of the conscience,  is to impart ethical (inborn) and/or moral (learned) judgment.. in other words,, the conscience weighs out our thoughts and/or actions not only against our inborn sense of right and wrong,, but also the adaptations that have been made to those basic guidelines based on our own individual life experience..

so in essence, the conscience is made up of a chorus of voices.. a myriad of tiny tongues working together to reflect reason in all its multifaceted glory.. for the most part,, we don’t seem to notice the different tonal quality of those individual voices.. they exist in harmony.. the opposing voices of right and wrong remain unequivocal.. the voice of right reinforced by the proven benefits of partaking in right behaviors, and the voice of wrong regurgitated at appropriate times in order to protect us from making the same mistake twice..

however,, there are times when one or more of those voices develops an inflated sense of self.. it is no longer content to remain in the chorus.. it fancies its self over qualified for such a seemingly menial position.. and much like the christians believe the serpent sought to usurp gods ultimate authority when he suggested to adam and eve that they eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,, this voice will slither its way into ones internal dialogue and seek to disavow the voice of reason as spoken by the conscience,, by infecting it with a flawed logic all its own..

the key word herein being, logic.. this extrinsic voice becomes, an arduous litigator.. it seeks not to disprove the argument of the conscience,, but rather to blind the ‘judge’ with its own malevolent brilliance.. it makes a case so seemingly based on fact,, that even the conscience,, tho it continues to adamantly voice objections,, cannot give adequate cause.. however,, in its closing arguments, this voice always imparts upon the ‘jury’ (which in this case is the individual) but two viable courses of action.. it calls upon its host to either disregard the case of the conscience all together and follow the path that it has so luminously laid out,, or stalemate..

it is indeed arguable that there is a third course of action available.. that one could still opt to side with what ones conscience knows to be right.. that one could drown out this renegade voice,, side with the voice of reason,, and be done with it.. however,, in order for that argument to be valid,, we must first examine,, the path thru which this voice originally entered the consciousness…  and we must understand that once this voice has made it’s presence known,, there are no longer but two voices to be reckoned with.. in fact,, there are three.. the voice of right,, the voice of wrong,, and the voice of the beast..

part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices

Reckless Impatience by ~evilhomer145 on deviantART

seldom when we think of bravery,, does the caterpillar come to mind.. more often than not when we think of the caterpillar,, we think of an elegant metamorphosis.. it has become an almost magical creature.. one that undergoes a complete physical transformation… it is miraculously transported from its humble beginnings as an often homely, furry, worm like, creepy crawly creature to the magnificent beauty of a butterfly,,  soaring ever free in summers blue sky..

and yet,, i cannot help but wonder-  what if we were to ask the butterfly,, soon after her (and i am using the female vernacular for no other reason than ease) transformation,, what was it like? was it as amazingly effortless as it seems?? every bit as magical?? would you do it all again??

as much as we would like to think that she would be bubbling over, extolling the virtues,, anxiously imparting the indescribable magic of such an amazing experience,,  i am very much afraid we would instead find out,, quite adamantly,, that instead,, it was a grueling experience filled with indescribable pain and terror.. one that has left her not only outwardly changed, a virtual stranger to herself,, but forever lost in a strange land..  alone.. abandoned.. cursed to spend the rest of her life nursing the emotionally scars inflicted upon her by the seemingly magical process of exquisite metamorphosis that she was forced,, thru no fault of her own,,  to endure..

can you imagine?? can you even begin to imagine what it would be like to be happily wandering the woods nibbling on grass one day,, only to,, for no explicable reason,, have your own body turn against you?? to cage what you have always known to be your self in a hard outer covering? to have a hard shell like crust begin to rip thru your flesh, while your own body begins secreting acid like chemicals that begin almost immediately,, to digest you- from the inside, out?? can you imagine looking on in horror,, not to mention excruciating,, searing pain,,  as the only you that you have ever known turns into a virtual vomitus of dead and digested tissue-  all the while having no idea, not only why, this is happening to you,, but,, if you are going to live or to die???

neither can i.. and it is that realization, that allows me to know that my concept of what true change actually encompasses,, is lacking.. it makes me painfully aware of the fact that there is no such thing as a magical, enchanted, painless metamorphosis.. it reiterates to me, that no matter how much i desire it,, or how necessary it has seemingly become,, it should never be entered into with reckless impatience,, unrealistic expectations,, or grandiose visions of instant gratification…

but mostly,, it finally makes clear something i, for one,  have spent my entire life time wondering about…  is that hookah smoking caterpillar in alice in wonderland gettin’ high????

part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices

i think it would be helpful if i began this dialogue on change by discussing ‘the beast’ …

Lust and War on Common Ground by *Jeff1966 on deviantART

when i was as a young adult,,  i was diagnosed, (read labeled), as sado-masochistic with dissociative tendencies… (and no this is not a sexual preference,, but rather a clinical psychological diagnosis) in laymans terms it simply means,, if you won’t hurt me,, i will hurt myself,, and who or what i may have to destroy in my effort to do so,, is of little or no consequence…

for many years i hid from that diagnosis.. face it,, its ugly.. it was the early 80’s.. everybody and their brother was not already being medicated for some form of mental illness or another,, and i was not about to undergo therapy or take medication that would signify my acceptance of that label..

none the less,, just having those words fed into my psyche at that tender age, cast a pallid shadow over everything i was to become.. the fact that i chose to ignore it made no difference in it’s reality,, as it continued to manifest itself over, and over, and over, in my lifestyle choices..

i repeatedly eliminated anyone that might have had my best interest in mind.. i ‘moved’ nearly a hundred times.. i abandoned my husband and my children without so much as a backward glance.. i took off into a wild world filled with drugs, abusive relationships, and prostitution.. i was the victim of numerous rapes,, and suffered innumerable bouts of homelessness- all as manifestations of my disease,, my way of assuring life would remain one incidence of blunt force trauma after another..

fifteen years ago after a series of events ( which i have previously described in detail in my post entitled flashback) that led to something similar to an epiphany for me,, i left the street life behind.. with it went some of my most readily available weapons,, the drugs,, the prostitution,, the homelessness,,   the proximity to incidences of rape and/or random street violence..

however,, ‘the beast’ followed…

over the course of the next thirteen or so years,, ‘the beast’ and i continued to make use of the only real weapon we still had available.. my antisocial behavior.. subsequently,, i alienated myself from my family,, (again,, having been briefly reunited after a twenty year absence).. i sought out numerous objectionable relationships that were sure to fulfill my damage quotient… married men,, alcoholics,, abusers of every echelon…

it was not until the gods found reason to put ben into my life and he,, through nothing short of the kindness of his heart,, saw fit to bring me here, to this little slice of heaven i call my canyon,, that i really became willing to eliminate all the antisocial triggers in my life.. no more quick forays into the world of drugs.. no more drunk and disorderly arrests.. no more men who’s sole purpose in my life was to heighten the ecstasy of my pain…

for the last two years, we have been alone,, ‘the beast’ and i… and together we have decided that at long last,, the groundwork of a workable relationship between the two of us,, has been laid.. the time has come for us,, to not only pinpoint and examine the areas of life in which we are willing to allow change to take place,, but to find a common ground,, on which to do so…

part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices

Beauty and the beast by *Anarchpeace on deviantART

i am obsessive..   although i would never have admitted to it then,, i am begining to understand that my penchant for obsession played a major part in my decision to live the majority of my life chemically camouflaged..  it was easier to just call myself an addict and be done with it… the drugs narrowed down the obsession.. they acted as blinders.. as long as i had ‘them on’ i didn’t see anything else.. i didn’t want to see anything else.. nothing else really mattered… even now as i attempt to define the difference between obsession and addiction the lines quickly become too blurred to be able to know for sure on which side i stand…

anywhoo…. as of late,, my obsession centers around the word change.. i know… really original,, huh??

never the less,, the self-obsessed portion of me wants me to force myself to define what change means to me.. explore what i am willing to change, in the event that choice is ever an option.. and innumerate the things that i have in the recent past called upon myself to change,, and have,, as of yet failed miserably at..

they say, change comes from within.. this i know to be true, solely and completely because i have spent an entire life time trying to avoiding it…  the majority of my life i have allowed my inability to cope with how something made me feel by employing what i chose to define as change- and more often than not, for me, change took the form of running.. the correct answer to  “i don’t like how this makes me feel”  became  “i’m outta here”…

as i have mentioned in previous posts,, running is no longer an option.. not only am i getting way to old to be recreating myself every time i become dissatisfied with who or where i am,, but i have a ‘cush’ living arrangement,, a built in economically impervious retirement plan,, and as long as i only work three days a week and maintain a poverty level income,, i am eligible for free medical care, without having to apply for government assistance… simply stated i would be an idiot to leave.. i may be a lot of things,, but i am not an idiot..

so today,, when i think in terms of change,, i am want for even an adequate definition.. i know it can no longer mean taking the easy way out.. i have accepted the fact that it can no longer mean removing myself from a situation,, either physically or chemically.. and while in and of itself, that acceptance has pushed me way outside what i have always believed to be my comfort zone,, what scares me the most,, is that this thing called change has begun to take on the features of a beast i have spent an entire lifetime running away from…

and the closer it gets,, and the longer i look at it,,  the more the beast has come to resemble- me..

part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices

We the Sheeple by ~ Kenneth Rougeau

nine days after a terrorist group called al queda took credit for raising the twin towers of the world trade center and vaporizing the better part of 2792 innocent americans,, the then “President George W. Bush formally declared war on terror when he said, (on September 20th, 2001), during an address to a joint session of congress and the American people,  “Our war on terror begins with al Qaeda, but it does not end there. It will not end until every terrorist group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated.”"

where were you?? i remember exactly where i was at that precise moment.. i was working,, waitressing at a little slice of americana  in south florida that specializes in hot wings and cold beer… we turned on every tv in the place and the whole restaurant sat in obedient silence.. the hair on the back of every neck stood on end, as our collective eyes stared unwaveringly at the commander and chief of our great nation as he spoke those words…

in the days and weeks that followed,, we bought and proudly displayed the american flag,, in record numbers.. they could not be produced fast enough to satisfy the demand.. we, the american people, took our stand behind our president.. our young men and women proudly flocked to the military.. they offered themselves to go,, to fight,, to die,, to protect our great country, the united states of america..

do you remember that?? do you remember the feeling that came over you as you bought that american flag?? as you affixed it to your car?? as it waved proudly in your front yard?? as you wore it with pride, pinned it to your lapel??

last night,, as i watched the acceptance speech of our now president elect barack hussein obama,, as i watched the tears, and the joy, and the victory, and the hope, in the faces of the hundreds of thousands of people joined together to celebrate this historic victory,, i remembered the last time i felt like that..

i remembered the last time i shed tears of solidarity.. the last time i felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.. the last time my heart raced.. the last time i was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, proud to be an american……

and i wondered,, what landfill is current coursing with the red, white, and blue blood of all of those american flags that we so proudly displayed in the weeks and months following bush’s declaration of war on afghanistan?? i wondered how many jewelery boxes still housed a long forgotten flag lapel pin?? and how many of us still remember all the words to alan jackson’s,  where were you? or toby keith’s, courtesy of the red white and blue ???

i wondered how a country that stood so steadfast in allegiance that fateful day in september 2001 has conveniently forgotten all about that.. i wondered how we, as a people,  feel justified in blatantly adhering to the current collective mentality that allows us to now declare that the last eight years, in their entirety-  have been a complete and utter political clusterfuck.. a source of shame…  a nightmare… i wondered what diseased form of selective memory can we blame for us coming to believe that we never joined together with any degree of pride,, and witnessed a certain rebirth of american patriotism,, following the terrorist attacks on september 11, 2001..

so as i sit here this morning watching the sun break the horizon,, on this, a new day,,  i cannot help but wonder how long it will take for us to forget what we felt last night? as we listened to president elect barack obama’s acceptence speech,, and the hair on the back of our necks,, once again, stood at attention.. as the tears burned in our collective eyes.. as our hearts ached to be one with this extremely charismatic man, that has promised to orchestrate the change that we want so much to believe will make it possible for us to save america from herself,, and allow us, perhaps for the first time in our history, to stand tall,, equal,, united,, and proud, as the great nation we were raised to believe we can be..

today as our hearts chant in unison the ever powerful catch phrase,, “Yes we can!!”,, here in my little corner of the world,,  i am sadly given to wonder,,, But will we???

now that the race has been run, and the victory has been secured.. now that the fan fare has subsided and we are faced with returning to our lives,, no longer as a member of one political party or another,, but rather as individuals,, today,, as we step outside of the herd mentality,, that we have allowed to become the acceptable modus operandi in any form of human competition- will we,, as individuals,, be as willing to change,, as we were to win???

i do believe, with every fiber of my being, that we can…. but i must ask,, Will we?? Will You??