….why paisley???

tah candle fight by ~tallkidd on deviantART

i took meanboy to the vet this morning,, only to find out he had suffered some kind of spinal chord trauma.. he was not refusing to walk due to illness,, as i originally thought,, but rather,, he was paralyzed.. we took x-rays of him,, and found that in addition to the paralysis,,  he was bloated with fluid,, that was pressing on his lungs and diaphragm,, causing it to be difficult for him to breathe.. he also had a distended bladder,, due to the fact that the paralysis had made him unable to empty it on his own…

i felt that it was far kinder to allow meanboy to be put down than it would have been to allow him to die of his own accord,, as that course would have been slow and painful…

night, night my meanboy.. we will miss you…. XXOO

“something inside me is energy,, and it was not created,, so it cannot be destroyed….” from the girls by lori lansens

we stood in front
of my childhood closet
fighting about
the course that i was on
she was positive i would
never make it
into the kingdom of her god
and to tell you the truth
to this day,,
i am ever thankful
i will not..

“i will never die!!”
i remember yelling at her,,
knowing full well
that my physical body
would someday expire..
but i knew then
with the clarity
of an epiphany,
that the force
that i called “i”
would never die,,
but just move on..

to date,,
i have received
no further revelation.
no moments of insight,
no visions in the night..
yet, each time, that i recall
that single apparition
of teenage clarity,,
it rings with a truth
i have never found
in any god…

photo:

http://shadyxxlurker.deviantart.com/art/Closet-of-Black-77537103

the prompt this week for sunday scribblings is “compose”,, and in anticipation of the down time that may become involved in the current set of technical difficulties i am experiencing,, i decided to dust this one off,, it was originally posted in october of last year on the ink pot,, and speaks very clearly,, i believe,, about my feelings towards those that seem to need to “correct” what i choose to “compose”…..

to you who seek to poison,
my soul, my mind, my heart,,
to you who see a reason to,
inflict your rules upon my art..

to you who try to meddle in
and squelch the things you cannot quell
to you who cannot see, beyond the box-
in which you choose to dwell..

to you who see no difference
between transcription,, and written art,
it is to you, that i feel compelled to say,,
“i am not your counterpart..”

we may write in the same language
but the similarity ends there,
and to think that my work, should mirror yours-
well my friend,, thats just not fair.

for i give life to voices
that you have never heard
and squeezing them in side -your box
would be totally absurd..

for they live and breathe in spite me
i am their guest,, not their editor,
and to crush them down, to make then fit
would make me, very much,, their predator..

for while i offer them,, to one and all
for entertainments sheer delight,,
in the end, they will be,, my legacy-
not yours,, when i walk into the light….

photo:

http://iardacil.deviantart.com/art/Who-poisoned-my-soul-56544841

i did an exercise earlier this month on poefusion based on wallace stevens thirteen ways of looking at a blackbird.. i decided to mimic that form for sunday scribblings prompt, fearless….

I
a man
is never quite
as fearless,
as when he finds
himself,,
by fear consumed.

II
it is often possible
to gage the level
of fearlessness
by the proof..
listed on the bottle

III
fearlessness
and idiocy
when bred,,
produce inmates

IV
fearlessness
cannot be obtained
by those unwilling
first,, to travel
thru oblivion

V
there remains but one evidence
a man has mastered fear,,
death..

VI
let he that has no fear
tell his wife
her sister does it better.

photo:

http://fc03.deviantart.com/fs4/i/2004/207/d/d/Six.jpg

so,, sunday scribblings wants me to talk about the things that cause me to say, “i just don’t get it…” wow.. get comfy,,,, you might be here a while….

now remembering that this is just me trying to figure this stuff out…

all this talk about “saving the planet”,, “getting green”,, “reducing carbon footprints” etc etc etc… ok… so i get the part about over consumption… but….

1. does overconsumption include technological items like cell phones, ipods, blackberry’s, pc’s, laptops, wireless phones, car alarms, dvd players, in car video equipment, etc etc etc… like– cuz if it does.. we are so headed in the wrong direction…

what i wanna know,, is since none of this stuff is supposed to be disposed of in the “usual manner.”,, are we just going to be like replacing the landfills we know and hate, with new ones we know nothing about??

are we going to replace plastic and paper and disposable diapers with computer chips and mother boards and batteries?? and if so,, and i really do suspect the answer here is yes,, what the hell are we going to do with them all??? where the hell are all the old ones?? think about it!! how many cell phones have you already had?? how many pc’s?? how many ipods?? where’s your old one? what are you going to do with this one when it goes??? would you even consider not replacing it,, in effort to “save the planet”???

2. and what would be so bad about reverting back to glass refillable bottles for milk, soda, beer, water and other beverages??? am i the only one that has ever thought about this?? why hasn’t anyone made a move in that direction??? i understand we would probably have to re-vamp a bunch of beverage companies and dairies.. and maybe they are not quite as easy to lug around with you every freaking where,, and god knows 2/3 of the population will freaking dry up and blow away if they are not carrying a bottle of water around with them 24-7…

and while we are at it,, how about reverting back to using “drinking water” from 10 gallon jugs in dispensers like we used to when we didn’t want to drink out of the tap?? wouldn’t that alone get rid of the billions of plastic bottles used daily to carry around the filtered, vitamin and mineral enriched, super water that we then need to dispose of?? i am sure that one “innovation” alone has made a huge accumulation of waste all by its little old lonesome the past 10 years… what would be so bad about having your own sippy cup, filling it up with water and carrying that around instead???? would you be willing to do it??? i mean,, you know… to “save the planet”????

3. and last but not least,, in fact i feel this is the most logical and overlooked answer to the questions of overconsumption that i have ever come up with and cannot believe,, that me, some old lady that makes sandwiches for a living had to think of it,, when all the power brains with the money can come up with is carbon credits… but i digress….

how about birth control??? whew… there’s a goodie… maybe even voluntary sterilization after you have replaced your self and your significant other in the population pool.. just think how many disposable diapers, would not end up in the dump if every one only had 2 kids… and that is just the beginning…..

this should be a given people… get it?? less people.. less consumption.. less consumption.. less waste… wow .. that was a hard one….

how come that is not an anyone’s campaign ticket???? how come bono isn’t getting a “we are the world” thing together to raise money for voluntary sterilization?? how come there are no big name actors or rappers or politicians saying “hey man,, lets turn this thing around… i will be the first to volunteer to quit breeding!!!!”

i’m dead fucking serious.. i wanna know..

photo:

http://bandrei.deviantart.com/art/Garbage-dump-IV-49449724

this weeks sunday scribblings offered us the opportunity to talk about any of the subjects that have been offered as prompts and we have not yet had the privilege of discussing… i have chosen why i live where i live…

i live on six wooded acres in a remote, rural, coastal town of approximately 500 people, in northern california,, and i live here rent or mortgage free.. its a small house,, not necessarily pleasing to the eye,, but comfortable and in good repair.. the house itself is approximately 800 square feet,, and consists of two rooms, the great room and a bedroom.(i am not counting the bath or the laundry room) i have created a studio,, with an office area, a bedroom area and a living/kitchen area out of the great room, as i do not occupy the bedroom..

the bedroom is reserved for the elderly gentleman that owns the house,, whom i have chosen to refer to in previous posts as “ben” (which is short for my benefactor*) .. he does not live here, but visits on occasion, and since he lives an hour away, often spends the night when he visits.. ben is 78 years old and has no living family. he fears growing old alone,, as do we all,, and having his room here and the promise of a warm safe home to come to should he ever be unable to care for himself properly is comforting to him.

you see this was ben’s fathers house.. since his fathers death, (who incidentally died on the bedroom floor at 103 years of age and was there for a matter of weeks before anyone discovered his demise) nearly 15 years ago, no one had occupied the house until i moved in just under two years ago..

over the course of the decade or so that the house was unoccupied, ben, used the house as his own version of “ye midden” (which is an old scotch term meaning the ash can or the waste bin) so much so that he nailed a plaque on the front door that says just that,, and it remains there to this day…. it became a sanctuary of sorts, in which he played out his drunken anger at his parents, his life,, the world…

it was full of trash, mold, old rusted, broken,, or simply outdated and thus unusable items, broken glass, dead mice and birds, and a virtual sea of poison and booby traps to keep out friend or foe during the time in which the house was left unattended….

nevertheless,, it was made available to me, free of charge,, with no strings attached,, and with a verbal agreement to leave the house to me when he passes… i will be in the house two years this june,, and he mentioned again just recently that we have to do some paperwork on this house so that i can stay here indefinitely just in case something unforeseen should happen to him… given my history of moving when ever the whim takes me,, he wants to make sure i am committed to staying in one place first… and for that, i do not blame him a bit…

so if there is any question as to why i live where i live,, it can be summed up by saying,, because i am living most peoples dream.. i live in one of the most beautiful, temperate, affluent areas of the country on six private wooded acres- for free.. and i may never have to leave…

sometimes i just need to verbalize it, to see it in print, to read it and reread it,, to remind myself how very lucky i am….

* a much more detailed post called my benefactor is available for those of you who are curious as to what my relationship is with “ben”…

photo:

http://calphotos.blogspot.com/2007/01/view-from-marin-county.html

Friday 5 had a wild set of words this week… sylph, rabble, fizzy, suasion, freckled– wow!! bare with me the graphic is huge… but it is her… i knew the moment i laid my eyes upon it….

whence from out the rabble
rose, and alas did drift
a single, freckled, sylph
so pure, so impeccably childlike
my spirit, at once did lift
she had fended off their suasion
remained an innocent, despite
t’was her cherubic effervescence
sure, had brought me here this night

i met her glance and she too mine
mirrored pools, of crisp cyan
her skin clear iridescent, glowed
as waining sun, gave way to moon
and i cursed, both god and man
as my evil thirst burst from within me
i violated her sweet chastity’s moat
sipping her fizzy champagne blood
from her tender porcelain throat..

photo:

http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs21/i/2007/235/3/e/Innocent_Beauty_by_BenF.jpg

this is a combination of the sunday scribblings prompt, “passion”, and the writers island prompt, “second chance”.….

i used up
my second chance
at passion
it consumed me
oh so many years ago
i sold my husband
and my children
to obtain it
and if i had it
i would have sold
a whole lot more

it was the kind of love
that people burn in hell for
it was the kind of love
that burns you to the ground
it was the kind of love
that leaves no (wo)man standing
and in the end
it was both of us
that died

you might think
that kind of love
is curse-ed
you might think
no love is worth
all that much pain
you might think
i am better off
for having lost it
but if i could
i would do it all again…..

photo:

http://noratroll.deviantart.com/art/Passion-49901367

according to your
death certificate
you ceased to exist sometime
before 12:01am
on 011704,,
yet they credit you with dying
on that day
according to who’s timepiece???
would celebrating the time of
your departure
which we know was sometime on
the eve of 011604
and not at all on the day
with which you are accredited with
such a feat on your head stone
somehow upset
the pomp and circumstance
the ceremony
the general day to day
flow of eternal bliss
of the afterlife???
given my knowledge
of your appreciation of
my totally outlandish
balls to the wall
attitude
i am thinking i will do
just that….

fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke…

ILY jodi

photo:

http://daszweiteich.deviantart.com/art/fuck-49359223

for those of you that have not had the privilege of watching the original motion picture adaptation of the classic fiddler on the roof released in 1971,, let me just say,, you have no idea what you are missing…..

there is a little remembered and even more scarcely documented scene,, one in which tevye comes to terms with the fact that he as forever turned his back on his daughter “chavala”.. to him,, she is dead…

he did so because she married a russian,, not a jew.. he did so because his traditions dictated it… he did so because he believed with all of his heart it was the right thing,, the only thing,, to do… he did so despite the fact that it tore him apart,, that it was inconceivable,, that it made no sense.. he did so because he honestly believed it was required by his god to do so…..

this scenario is reenacting itself in my family as i type this..

my father is in the hospital.. he has life threatening heart problems.. his life may be changing forever right before our eyes,, if it is restored to him at all.. and still he clings to his god. still he maintains that his relationship, his obedience,, his conformity,, to the rules of his god,, as dictated by his chosen religion come before his relationship with his daughters,, all of which have “fallen away” from his chosen faith…

it has been requested none of his three daughters fly out there to be with him. and to blatantly go against this request,, would be selfish,, his heart may not withstand the deep seated emotion that would surround any of us being there against his wishes….

i must ask,, who can justify the actions of this god?? who can logically and coherently explain to me what god of love,, of compassion,, of creation,, and order,, would maintain a stance that puts one mans religious affiliation so highly above another,, that he can forsake his own child?? what god would inflict this on his most cherished creation,, that which he “created in his own image”??

not my god…

Little Bird, Little Chavala
I dont understand whats happening today
Everything is all a blur
Gentle and kind and affectionate
The sweet little bird you were
Chavala, Chavala

Little Bird, Little Chavala
You were always such a pretty little thing
Everybodys favourite child
Gentle and kind and affectionate
The sweet little bird you were
Chavala, Chavala