….why paisley???

vote by ~gasoline-rainbow on deviantART

they say, opinions are like assholes,, and living in an area densely populated with political activists, as i do,, i cannot help but grow increasingly alarmed at the number of people willing to “drop the soap” when i say, that i will, once again, be exercising my right not to vote in the upcoming presidential election..

while many are quick to say that my stance is unamerican,, or that i am undermining the very constitution on which this country was founded,, few, if any,  ever want to listen when i attempt to explain to them that my decision not to vote,, is just that.. a decision.. it is not because i do not care who runs the country to which i pledge my allegiance… it is not a byproduct of my lack of education.. it is not because i am too lazy to go to the polls.. it is not a result of my own ignorance when it comes to the  election process… nor is it due to the fact that i am exempt from feeling the same gut wrenching need for change that the majority of you are experiencing…

but rather, it is because i believe i that have done my research and have come to a rather intelligent, informed, conclusion based on the facts that are available to me..  it is because the conclusion that i have come to makes sense to me… and it is for that reason, that i would like to share with you today,, my personal rational for having made a decision not to vote in this, or any other, presidential election…

let me begin by saying, it is not, in any way, my intention to pass judgment on those of you that have made the very important decision to vote.. i do not seek to belittle the process that you have gone through in selecting the candidate you feel is most qualified to assume the position of commander and chief of this country. i do not believe that my way of thinking is in any way, superior.. nor has it ever been my position to feel the necessity to convert anyone to my way of thinking….

that being said,, i would like to begin by saying that i find it particularly interesting that, whereas “The Constitution contains many phrases, clauses, and amendments detailing ways people cannot be denied the right to vote….. the Constitution never explicitly ensures the right to vote..” in addition, “No where in the Constitution,  will you find any mention of how elections should be conducted.” and there is good reason for that.. you see eleven days prior to adopting the constitution, at a little get together called the Philadelphia Convention,, our forefathers approved the assignation of what has commonly come to be known as  “the electoral college”.. the electoral college is a group of designated officials (in the state of California this group is made up of 2 senators and 53 members of the house of representatives, none of which, whose names i know) who’s task at hand is to put aside all personal agenda,, and cast a vote based solely on the number of votes placed by the citizenry in a presidential election..

so then, the founders of this country had already put a plan into action that would allow them the power to override the vote of the people, should it not coincide with their collective vision.. that in itself does not sit well with me.. add to that the fact that this system has failed time and time again to accurately reflect the votes as placed by, we, the citizens of this country,, (thus resulting in many states having to pass individual laws threating criminal prosecution, automatic resignation, and/or fines to be imposed upon those who fail to adhere to the guidelines,,) and i must confess,, i am left with very little reason to believe that my one vote is of any real consequence.

my feeling is,, if ever i should decide to vote, i would need to be convinced of the impeccability of the character of, not only the candidate that i deemed best suited for the office of the president,, but i would need to have blind faith in all (in my case since i live in CA ) 55 members of the electoral college.. i would need to trust implicitly that each and every one of them is above reproach.. i would have to believe that they had put aside their own careers,, their own political agendas,, their personal allegiances,, and voted totally and completely as a reflection of the number of votes that have been cast in their state,, and for whom…  as much as i would like to believe that humans are basically good,, and will, if given the opportunity, do what they know to be right, simply because they know it to be right- in all honesty,, and if history is any indicator,, i cannot, in truth say, that i believe in the infallibility of even one man, let alone 538 popularly elected representatives…

secondly, and on a more personal note,, i (much like many of you) have had the opportunity to witness more than one election unfold. i have seen candidate after candidate renege on any and/or all campaign promises, on which they based their so called platform, once they were elected to office.. i have watched debate after debate degenerate into mud slinging competitions of embarrassing proportion.. i have looked on while candidates whom i am expected to endow with my trust, loyalty and support,, succumb to behaviors i would not find acceptable, in adolescents..  i have seen the evolution, through necessity, for fact finding organizations who’s sole purpose during the election campaigns is to gauge who is lying,, and about what,, and then supply us with the truth surrounding their numerous “misspeaks”….

i’m sorry,, i know i have said it numerous times before,, but i feel compelled to say it again.. i cannot reward bad behavior… i cannot cast a vote thereby giving my signature of approval to a system i believe to be irreparably flawed. i believe that doing so would signifying that i am in agreement with the way the system is functioning, and i cannot publicly pretend to believe in the cohesiveness of a system that privately, i believe to be very, very broken…..

Duck by ~blacksparklymagic on deviantART

most of us have heard of a little something affectionately called ‘the duck law’… it states,, that if it walks like a duck,, and it talks like a duck,, chances are very good,, that it is indeed a duck… believe me when i tell you, that such is the accepted perspective of law enforcement in our society.. i know first hand,, as i have been arrested for it… only in texas, they call it manifestation…. you don’t have to be caught in the act of actually doing anything illegal,, you just have to look like the kind of person that would in fact be doing something illegal, if given the chance,, or be in a place that is frequented by those that are known to be on the look out for something illegal to do… that’s all it takes…

the supreme court of the united states of america has evidently taken the ‘duck law’ one step further.. they have decided that,, a black man,, any black man,, that stands accused of killing a white police officer,, looks right for the part.. they don’t care whether or not he is guilty.. they are not concerned with the fact that there is more than reasonable doubt surrounding the circumstances under which this man was convicted.. they have chosen not to inconvenience themselves with such trivial matters,, as the lack of physical evidence, the inability to provide a motive, the retraction of seven out of nine (coerced) eyewitnesses testimonies,, or the fact that someone else (who just happened to be a star witness for the prosecution in the original trial),,  has allegedly confessed to the crime…. nope… to them,, a duck, is a duck, is a duck…..

as america stands poised to vote in an historic election,, the first in which a black man has, not only run for the presidency of the united states,, but is at the present time,,  if one is to believe the current polls as published,, is leading the nation in electoral votes-  another black man sits in the state of georgia,, on death row,, awaiting execution… as the media pats white america’s back,, congratulating us on our showy display of racial diversity,, and staunch voters claim to be far too evolved to allow the color of a mans skin to influence their decision making abilities,, troy anthony davis,  awaits the third, and perhaps final,  notice of his own execution…

despite the fact that he, and a sizable entourage of noted legal professionals, are confident they can prove, beyond reasonable doubt, that he did not commit the murder of which he has been convicted,, the supreme court has cast off his last remaining appeal.. it is evidently, a lot easier to just allow a duck,, to remain a duck….

These are the names, of the 9 Supreme Court Justices that hold each of our civil rights in their hands:

William Hubbs Rehnquist,  John Paul Stevens,  Sandra Day O’Connor,  Clarence Thomas,  Stephen Breyer,   Ruth Bader Ginsburg,   Antonin Scalia,  Anthony M. Kennedy,   David Hackett Souter…..

i cannot help but wonder which among them will cast a well researched,, intellectually sound,, bias free vote for the man, they feel will do what needs to be done, in order to bring our country out of the economic cycle of self destruction in which we currently find ourselves… or is that a moot point,, considering that they have already cast their vote,, and in their esteemed opinion,, a duck,, is a duck,, is a duck….

**authors note: i do not endorse, nor will i cast my vote, for either candidate in the current presidential election.**

the three of us on my parents wedding day, april 6, 1963

yesterday was a very difficult day.. however,,  i just got off the phone with the shift nurse in charge of my dads care,, and he said they are beginning to make real progress at emptying the bowel,, and the kidney function seems to be resuming… finally a light at the end of the tunnel… while by no means is he “out of the woods” what needs to happen is happening… and that in itself is a blessing…

last night,, in a desperate maneuver to find out what was going on,, i called the nurses station and had them go see if any one was in the room with my dad.. my mom was there, so i asked to be transferred to her.. although i think i caught her off guard, calling the room,, she allowed me to say hello and i love you to my dad,, who despite being sedated and having tubes in every orifice said “i love you too,, jod…. ” after an eight year silence,, i cannot tell you what it felt like to hear those words…

for those of you that may not have noticed,, i have a way of turning everything around and making it,, all about me.. while this is not an attribute of which i am particularly proud,, i do acknowledge its existence,, and when i catch myself doing it,, i do try and make a conscious effort to step outside myself, and at least be objective, even if i cannot truly see things thru the others perspective..

for the past week or so i have been so blinded by my desire to be there,, to see him,, to be together as a family,, that i failed see that to do so,, would be to blindly do what I needed to do for me.. it was what I could live with.. it was what would make me feel better… but,, it is not what my dad wants..

he doesn’t want us to see him like this.. he is a man’s man. a proud man.. and to see him like this would be to display weakness,, and i know that is not something he has ever allowed himself to do,, especially where his daughters are concerned… somehow,, having heard the sound of his voice,, uncharacteristically weak, and distorted by the tubes and medications,,   allowed me to see for the first time,  that the reason he doesn’t want us there has nothing to do with us being ‘mad’ or ‘disfellowshipped’ or who, after all this time, is right and who is wrong,, and everything to do with his desire to travel this particular path on his own… the way he sees fit.. in a way he is comfortable with…

i know now,, no matter what we may have allowed to keep us apart,, he does love me… and today,, that is the only part of his recovery i am going to allow to be about me….

my parents on their wedding anniversary, two years ago

as some of you may remember my dad was hospitalized twice in the recent past with heart problems. in addition to having an arrhythmia that was persistent and difficult to control with medication,, he had a stent placed to clear an obstruction,, and was ultimately diagnosed as needing an aortic valve replacement..

he had the aortic valve replacement surgery last wednesday (10-8-08),, and made it thru the surgery just fine.. however since then,, his kidneys have not resumed function,, and as of yesterday he has begun suffering severe swelling and distention of the abdomen,, possibly related to a shut down of the intestinal track according to my mom, who is not really good at relaying medical information,, (he is currently being fed and hydrated intravenously,, he has taken no food or water orally since before the surgery) or the liver shutting down according to my own arm chair detective work..

either way,, his current prognosis is not real good.. my mom has asked to bring in an acupuncturist today,, and the cardiac surgeon is compliant, which kind of makes me wonder if he isn’t to willing to try anything at this point.,, although according to mom he told her he is not “overly concerned”?????

my mom is a bit strung out,, but seems to be holding up pretty well and she maintains there is no reason for myself or my sisters to be there.. i feel so out of control.. while i know there is nothing i can do, medically,, i also know i feel like i should be there.. i feel like she needs us.. like he needs us.. no matter what they say..

we have been so dysfunctional for so long,, i don’t know whether i should do what she asks and stay here,, or do what my heart tells me is right and just go… is she reluctant to ask us to come? does she think to do so would be a ‘bad omen’ so to speak?? is my dad adamant about not seeing us??  does she just not want us there??  i have no way of knowing….

she says the elders of their congregation (jehovah’s witnesses) are there and they are doing everything.. i only know that they are not calling any of the daughters and updating us as to his condition,, (is that because we are all disfellowshipped??) does their being there take the place of your own daughters being there?? or is she saying that so i won’t feel guilty that i am not there?? i honestly do not know…

i just don’t know what to do..

Hiding place by ~Jcandres on deviantART

currently, i am researching a full length fiction piece that i have never intended to post here,, (mainly because i feel reading full length pieces online is tedious, and i would not expect you to do so) and more than likely, given my track record of non-submission,, i will not “send out” either.. i am writing it strictly to see if i can do it.. if i can follow it thru,, if i can collect it,, contrive it,, compile it,, and complete it..

my project is based on a short story i shared with you months ago,, entitled, her boy.. it is the story of a woman of dubious past, tried and convicted by the media,, of a heinous crime she did not commit..  it is a project that has had me stepping outside of my comfort zone and writing about something with which i have no first hand experience.. it is a project that involves research and a mobilization of emotions that i have not personally experienced,, and since my niche in writing is quite confessional,, being, thinking, and acting, for someone outside of myself requires a lot of investigative research..

my foray into researching this project has had me dabbling in something in which i would not ordinarily dabble,, and that is the cold, hard, world of another’s reality.. i prefer the warm, fuzzy, comfort of my world.. my little corner… a place where everything is mine and runs in a fashion that i prescribe for it.. a tiny little sector of life inhabited by one woman, two dogs, and the occasional walk on part by a generous old man or a distant family member… but for the most part my world is mine.. alone..

in researching the subject matter for this piece,, i have been carried off into a world of the unimaginable.. i have read, and continue to read, account after account of those caught up in the criminal justice system thru no real fault of their own.. people just like you and i, that are living thru their own personal hell because no one wants to accept the fact that something as powerful and all consuming as the criminal justice system might be broken..

as i delve ever deeper into the case histories, “meet” the people involved,, review the trial transcripts,, i am given to wonder,, of what consequence is my writing a piece of fiction about a woman that doesn’t really exist, being incarcerated for an imagined crime?? could not my desire to research and write about such atrocities be put to better use?? where exactly does creating works of fiction and crafting cleverly worded poems fit into the grander scheme of things?? should i seek out the opportunity to write on a subject that “matters” ?? or continue writing,, just to see if i can???

very simply,, i am drawn toward making something real come from my efforts.. something that matters.. something that makes a difference.. for me it has always been about the words, their power, their authority, the feeling of control i have when they string themselves together in such a way as to replicate,, feeling,, emotion,, life… their ability to carry me along,, drag me,, toss and turn me,,  using them in a such way as to compel you to feel what i am feeling…

yet,, i cannot help but wonder,  if perhaps my desire to string together the words in such a way,,, could not be put to better use.. what if i could cause you to feel what i am feeling,, and together we could make a difference?? even if it was a very small difference,, say in the life of one person neither of us will ever really know???

immersing myself in another’s reality for the past few weeks has caused me to reexamine my motivations.. to question the hours that i am willing to spend orchestrating pretty words… to wonder if perhaps this place called …why paisley??? has not been just a hiding place,, all along…..

Immersed In Her Garden by ~Very-Old-Geezer on deviantART

just dropping in to let you all know i am immersed in reading and research at the moment and just haven’t had the time or the inclination to create… this is the first time in nearly two years i have had something really pique my interest enough to really delve in,, and i am running with it…

thanks for your indulging me this…. be back soon…….

“Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden.” -
–  The Phaedrus, written by Plato

Creepy Optical Illusion by ~cchasecal on deviantART

not so many years ago,, i was working as a waitress in a small, family owned, diner style, restaurant. living in a tiny basement studio,, and squandering my meager income on frivolities like food and basic utilities.. at that precise moment in history,  the country in which i live, was spinning like a brightly colored child’s top, giddy with delusions of grandeur made possible by the boom in the housing market, the introduction of sub prime loans, the staggering rate at which property values were soaring..

meanwhile,, i was standing there,, in a dirty apron,,  coffee pots hanging off both my thumbs saying.. ” i give it five years,, and this whole thing will implode.. the market will be flooded with foreclosures, displaced families, bankruptcies, and as a result an explosion of homeless people,, (many of them the the same young families and greedy investors that were here in being blinded by the possibility of finally being able to ace what we have been raised to believe was, “the  american dream….” ) that we are in no way equipped to care for, will be flooding our streets and overburdening our social service institutions..”

i cannot tell you how many times, since then, i have stated, either aloud in conversation, or in private to myself,, “how come i,, a lowly diner waitress,, with barely a high school education was able to see that??” “how is it that the financiers, bankers, economists, politicians, government officials,, people we would ordinarily expect to be able to ‘foresee’ our financial futures, not only allowed something like that to happen,, but in many cases jumped on the soon to be sinking bandwagon themselves??”

the only answer i can, to date come up with, is that i was not in a position to glean any of the purposed riches that would surely follow closely on the shirttails of such a windfall of real estate investments.. i was not blinded by the possibilities.. my situation left no room for the entertainment of such delusions of grandeur and thus my field of vision was impossible to misdirect..

on several occasions over the course of my maintaining this blog,, i have written in both my poetry and my prose about the misdirection of focus i see going on… ( homeless, distraction, food fight, sleight of hand, “sustain me!”) so, why am i still so amazed that when these illusions are pointed out,, that the majority of people will,, much like cattle being led to the slaughter,,  rally to the defense of that which has been purposely put in place to delude them,, in lieu of pulling back the blinders and having another look??

i am not a person given to unfounded feelings of paranoia.. i do not prescribe to any vastly ornate conspiracy theories… i am not a believer in evil forces, manchurian candidates, or things that go bump in the night… i am far from highly educated,, and not even as creative as some of you might like to think… but for some reason, one that remains devastatingly outside of my own control, i am blessed with being able to see what is going on right in front of me..

my fascination with pointing things out to you as i see them,, is in no way driven by a desire to convert you to my way of thinking.. i don’t even have a way of thinking to convert to.. rather my objective is to plant the seed of discovery.. to get you to question what you do see.. to point you in a direction that might allow you to become willing to see, that which has been put in place solely to misdirect you from that which you should not be seeing.. and to wonder,, if only over the course of this one day, if what you are focusing on is whats really important,, or have you thru no real fault of your own,, been misdirected….

- The Greatest Show on Earth - by *impurfektion on deviantART

ordinarily,, i would avoid politics like the plague i believe it to be.. however,  i feel that there is a sociological aspect of the election campaign we are now embroiled in that has as of yet (at least in the sector of the blogsphere that i frequent) failed to have been addressed.. and i for one feel the need to bring a voice to it..

come november,, no matter which party’s presidential ticket wins the election,, america will be adding a significant page to its own history.. we will either have a woman,, or a black man, ‘in the white house’.. at first glance one might be quick to assume, that either of these deviations from the norm should, at least in theory,, be a good thing.. after all,, regardless of the outcome,, precedent is being set.. from this election forward,, we will never be in the position of not having had either a woman, or a black man, ‘in the white house’.. we are outwardly forcing ourselves as a nation to ‘come of age’ in terms of the manifestation of our support for either,  sexual equality,, or racial diversity…. and although the inner rebel in me wants to cry out,, “it’s about fucking time!!!” i feel forced to curb my enthusiasm…. why??

let me see if i can explain.. i feel, we as americans outwardly talk a lot of smack about racial and cultural diversity.. whereas we would like to think (read: cause others to think) that we have undergone a genuine change in our societal attitudes,, the change, if in fact one has taken place at all,, could more correctly be referred to as a grammatical change.. the imposition of ‘politically correct’ lingo has lulled us into a false sense of acceptance.. we honestly want to believe that since we are no longer as verbally viral,, that a change has taken place in our hearts… and i for one am not afraid to point my finger at not only white america,, but black, latino and asian america as well and ask,, “who the hell do you think you’re kidding?”

i could go on to site instances and examples to strengthen the emotion behind why i feel this way,, i believe it would be wiser to simply admonish each of you to examine your own heart.. examine the community in which you live.. examine the way that you observe those of your own race interacting amongst themselves,, when they are not within earshot of anyone that they feel will hold them morally responsible for the terminology that they choose to employ.. and then come back here and tell me how racially and/or culturally diverse america has become… i’ll wait here…

with that being said,, i think whether or not barack obama is the man most qualified to hold the position of forty-fourth president of the united states of america or not,, is a moot point.. he is a black man.. and as far as i am concerned if he wins the election,, he will do so, based solely on that fact.. those that stand behind him,, stand behind him because he is a black man.. and while i do acquiesce that there are those that have sworn their allegiance to the democratic party,, and will vote in unison with the party no matter who they offer as a candidate,, i would venture to guess that the majority of his supporters will vote for him, simply because he is, a black man.. some will do so in an attempt to proudly display their supreme level of racial acceptance.. while others will do so solely to support the race into which they were born.. in either case,, his politics,, his ’stand on the issues’,, his background,, and his experience,, need not even enter into the picture..

and then we have the stalwart picture that the republican party has attempted to paint of john mccain,, and the media frenzy that surrounds his choice of vice presidential candidate,, sarah palin… in what i feel was a brilliant move on the part of the republican party,, they nominated a woman as vice president, thus establishing a comfort zone for the self indulgent political liberals that want to strut their diversity,, but just cannot bring themselves to vote for a black man.. hey,, now they can vote for a white woman,, and isn’t that the next best thing??

meanwhile,, and seemingly through some slight of hand,, mccain has successfully taken the spotlight off himself,, his politics,, his ’stand on the issues’,, his background,, his level of experience,, and stands smiling in the wings as he watches the media devour the virtually unknown MILF that he is dangling before them like a pheromone scented hook(er) …

in conclusion,, while i will be the first to admit,, that i do not know much about politics,,  i would like to believe i know a little bit about human behavior.. and from what i have seen thus far, i find it diffuicult to believe, that i am the only one that is looking on in horror, as the victor of this political freak show threatens to become the commander in chief of the country i call my home…. i think the mockery of human intelligence we have come to call the presidential election, has reached an all time low.. and i for one, am proud to say, that i will not be rewarding either party’s bad behavior,, with my vote…

there is an overwhelming sense of responsibility that accompanies the desire to live..

Crossroads by ryucloud at deviantart

lately it has occurred to me,, that if i ever do decide to take an active part in my own life,,  it will be necessary for me to venture out of my comfort zone into areas of life which, until recently,  i have seen fit to ignore even in theory…..

as you know,, i am quite centered on my desire to heal and grow emotionally.. in fact,, i have put what might even be called an unhealthy amount of time and effort into delving into myself,, getting to know myself,, and understanding who exactly it is i have become.. and why…

that fascination has not however, extended to my physical being..  i am begining to understand,, that  no matter how healthy i am psychologically,, emotionally,, or spiritually,, it will all be to no avail if i do not do what i know i need to do for myself physically… i mean,, wouldn’t it be ironic if i were to finally attain true inner peace,, decide that life is all sunshine and roses,, regain a lust for living,, finally find myself willing to play an active part in my own life,,,  only to find out my physical body is falling apart???

in the past year or so i have suffered a serious bout of bronchitis,, a painful back injury,, and abscessed tooth,, and in general,, a sense of malaise.. now i have never gotten old before,, so i cannot say this is not all just a part of the natural aging process,, but i do know that i have put zero effort into maintaining my physical health…

i also know that i was diagnosed with chronic hepatitis c in 2000.. at that time i was informed that i have been exposed to hepatitis b as well, and although i do not carry that virus,, having been exposed to it further compromises my liver.. soon after my diagnosis, however,, my viral load was minimal,, i had a liver biopsy,, everything was seemingly fine,, so i just blew it off.. i never went back to the doctor.. i never sought treatment.. since i rarely drink alcohol and haven’t actively done drugs in many years,, i did not see fit to alter my lifestyle in any way,, i just kind of put it in the back of my head and told myself it didn’t really matter,, as i really wasn’t all that attached to living anyway….

so i guess that today, i find myself at a crossroads of sorts… do i continue to turn a blind eye and just hope for the best?? do i do my bloods and at least find out where i am in the spectrum of things?? if i find out it is warranted,, do i engage in a form of treatment that might or might not irradiate the virus, knowing full well i have no insurance and no means of payment for said treatment??? and if i should choose to do so,, would putting myself behind the financial eight ball so to speak be any healthier, in the long run, than just ignoring the problem to begin with?? does actively seeking spiritual and or emotional growth while totally ignoring the physical body seem to you as hypocritical as it seems to me?? i guess if i knew the answers to these questions i wouldn’t be posing them would i??

i dont even know why i am throwing all of this out there.. i do know,, that even though i am not ready to make a concrete decision,, a year or so ago i was content to exist,, simply because my body refused to cease functioning… so i guess in its own weird way,, even thinking about weighing out the options is a good thing….

strange isn’t it,, how it is when you least expect it,,, life’s little profundities will make themselves available to you?? why just this morning,, as i opened the front cover of a book, written by sue monk kidd, called the mermaids chair,, a line in the second paragraph of the prologue hit so close to home, it literally took my breath away…

‘they say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.’

bleed like me by *kidchan on deviantART

due to the expository essence that i employ in the majority of my writing,, it should come as no surprise, that i have attracted quite a number of readers who, much like me,  find themselves actively waging war with their own inner demons.. people who are trying desperately to collect up all the little fragments of their being and create something,, while not quite whole,, perhaps,, not so devastatingly broken either…

after all,, as human beings, we are pack animals.. our level of intelligence separates us in some ways from our animal counterparts in that it allows us to rise above the pack into which we are born,, and use our ability to reason in seeking out a ‘like pack’.. more often than not, we seek out one that mirrors who we see ourselves to be,, or who we dream that someday,, we might become..

in my case,, and i would venture to say in the case of many of those that find themselves drawn to the confessional quality of my writing,, it is not uncommon that we seek out those that we percieve as being sufficiently more broken than we are. doing so not only allows us to feel as if there is a segment of society into which we truly fit,, but it creates (if only) the illusion,, that there are those that are worse off than we are..

and sometimes,, when we find ourselves standing toe to toe with someone we believe has strayed just a little further,, has delved just a little bit deeper,, has emerged just a little bit dirtier,, we are able to see ourselves in a just enough of a different light,, that it can give us the courage we thought we would never have to begin the process of forgiving ourselves,, and moving on…

in much the same way that stepping onto the scale only to find out that you have, lost five of those pounds you have been telling yourself forever you could not loose,, will often spur you into embracing a healthier eating regiment in order to maintain the desired downward spiral in your physical weight,, sometimes that sliver of superiority that we see in ourselves as we stand in the shadow of someone that we feel is just that much more errant than we are,,  can empower us to discard some of  the emotional baggage we have been carrying around with us.. to shed the dirty little pieces of ourselves that we know are prohibiting us from moving on,, and yet have not been able to summon the strength to leave behind..

back in july of last year,, i wrote a post called bleed.. i wrote the post as a call to action for those of you that read me in an effort to alleviate the guilt based pain you are feeling.. for those of you that see in me,, something just that much more grotesque, than that which you see in yourself.. for those of you that look to me,, to provide the shadow from which you might emerge with that sliver of salvation..

i did so at the time out of selfishness,, as i was still grasping at straws,, still seeking my own salvation,, still trying to force into some semblance of order,, all that i have been,,  still striving to find somewhere that i belonged,, still searching for the shadow from which i could emerge with a splinter of superiority… i did so because i needed you,, just as much as i felt you needed me..

it was not until this morning,,, as i read those words so poignantly penned by sue monk kid,, ‘they say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.’ that i realized it has always been for me that i bleed.. for me that i have poured myself onto the page.. for me that i have remained unashamed as i stood here before you bare, and broken.. for me.. for me.. for me..

and while i would never begrudge anyone of you the opportunity to see in me,, that which only by the grace of god, you yourself have not become,, i know now,, that the only one that can ever truly emerge from the shadow of the depths of my soul,, is me.