….why paisley???

this weeks prompt on sunday scribblings is absurd…

invisable-grrrl by heidivylyn at deviantart

i have come to a point
in my writing
where it causes me undue panic.
i know i need to write
and yet cannot..
i wake every morning
hoping to find
that my muse has returned
and yet,, she has not..
i journal page, after page, after page
in order to keep the words flowing,,
and they do,, there…
but not here,,
on the pages that i share with you,,
my friends..
i cannot think of a word to say ,,
a feeling to convey ..
an emotion to explore
it is as if i have been infected
with an absurd virus
that will not allow me to write..
as if worms have settled in
and devoured my words
before i have had a chance to make
sense of them,,
or write them down..

i miss my words
i feel naked without them
naked and yet
very much invisable
at the same time…

i made a gratitude list this morning.. i had to..

Your Gratitude by ~AlviNem on deviantART

it was 6am and i already had to build a fire because it was freezing,, and here it is june 11th..  i had been up since 2am as kylie pooped the bed again last night and woke me up to let me know.. it was easy enough to clean up and i thought all was right with the world till i got about an hour into a lengthy email response to the ex when my computer shut itself down to install some updates (i hadn’t even been paying enough attention to to know it was running the auto updater….) and i lost the whole letter i had written and had to start again…

i thought i would publish it here not so much because i think you are interested in what i am grateful for but rather so that i could reflect upon it throughout the day… you see,, i am having a really difficult time being grateful for anything lately.. i am lonely and depressed and attention starved and i need to be reminded that even tho i am feeling that way right this moment,, i have a lot to be thankful for.. a lot… and i forget about it all too easily…..

my gratitude’s:

i am thankful to have my dogs and a safe warm place to raise them.
i am thankful to have ben who helps me when i cannot help myself.
i am thankful to not have anyone in my life i do not want in my life.
i am thankful to have a communication with my parents and my sisters.
i am thankful for the opportunity to talk to johnny.
i am thankful to know that there is a hope i will someday know my children.
i am thankful that have lost weight and continue to lose.
i am thankful that my hair is all its natural color now and i can grow it back in now.
i am thankful to have a job to go to this coming friday.
i am thankful for the opportunity said job will give me to interact with people again.
i am thankful for the opportunity i have had to meet so many wonderful people thru my blog.
i am thankful to have my health.
i am thankful for my car.
i am thankful to have time in which i can learn to know myself better.
i am thankful that even tho i have no real income i have no real money troubles either.
i am thankful that i have people that love me,, even if they are all far away from me.
i am thankful that when i am feeling depressed i have a therapist to go to, even if she is leaving in two weeks.
i am thankful for my wood stove on a cold morning like this.
i am thankful to have a future to look forward to even tho i have no clue what i will do with it..
i am thankful that i have the freedom that i do even if it does mean i am alone a lot of the time.
i am thankful for the advent of the computer which has opened so many doors for me.

so as i make it thru this day,,, and i can already tell it is going to be a long one,, i will try to remain focused on all of the above mentioned gratitudes and remind myself that i do have more reasons than many to be grateful….

walking in the air by dezera on deviantart

amidst all the craziness and frustration that has been the last few weeks,, even months of my life,, i have been given the very best gift of all… my ex husband, the father of my children has found me on facebook… alas after 20 years we are reunited and talking to each other like old friends…

never in a million years did i think he would ever want to talk to me again,, let alone talk to me without anger, animosity, or frustration.. this is a dream come true for me… it is like going home again to be able to talk to him and catch up on all that we hold in common.. and the silver lining is i might get the opportunity to get to know my kids after all…

granted they are both grown adults now,, and the ultimate decision to either communicate with me or not will remain with them,, but,, knowing that i have their fathers blessing is something dreams are made of..

this week seems like a turning point.. i have a new job to look forward to come friday,, i cut my hair again and i believe the artificial color is off sufficiently to just let it grow back in from this point,, and i have a connection to my ex and my kids after all of these years..

tell me what more could a girl ask for???

Alone by nuri7 at deviantart

i am spending my last few days of virtual freedom,, (even tho at times it feels more like a prison sentence,,) before i go back to work reflecting on what i have experienced over the course of this last six months and i have come to realize that i have learned a lot about myself…

i have learned i do not do well without human contact. that i love my life, and my dogs, and my solitude,, but cannot cut myself off from the rest of life and feel good about myself, my dogs, or my life…

i have learned that being alone is definitely different from being lonely and i never want to feel lonely like this again..

i have learned that i have to put more effort into being a part of this life,, or it is going to parade right on by me and leave me behind,, not just alone but lonely..

i have learned that it doesn’t take too awful much loneliness to produce bitterness and bitter is not something i want to become..

i have learned that even tho i feel like a scared lost child,, i can function as an adult making extremely difficult ‘big girl’ decisions all by myself,, even tho i would rather hide and wait for someone much more capable to come and rescue me…

i have learned that making such decisions is an open ended action,, and what i mean by that is the after effect lingers.. there is no clear way to know if i made the right decision or if i was terribly off the mark,, but the consequences as well as the fact that i have to live forever with my decision will never change…

i have learned that i am afraid of everything,, and mostly that i am scared to leave the house,, yet terrified of being trapped here with not a thing in the world to do..

i have learned that i tend to see the worst case scenario in every situation,, and worry way more than i should about the health, care, and safety of my animals,, even to the point that i am afraid to leave them home alone that something bad will happen to one of them while i am gone..

but mostly i think i have learned that i have a whole lot of growing up to do… here’s to hoping i am up to the challenge!!

the busy bee bakery

i am, at last, looking forward to starting back to work a week from today.. i will be working the morning hours in a bakery owned by a friend of mine that just happens to be right next door to the place i used to work before i went on disability.. i am so looking forward to getting back into the work force,, even just the few hours a week i will be there, that i am counting down the days till i will once again be able to enjoy human interaction,, maybe even a good old conversation for a change… as much as i love my dogs and enjoy sharing my life with them,, they are not much on conversation… and the silence has been deafening….

i have sure learned a lot about myself over the course of the past six months tho.. first and foremost i have learned that as much as i have always thought i would love to be retired or just gainfully unemployed,, all that time on my hands is not a healthy thing for me.. i am not industrious enough to find productive outlets for my energies,, and thus spend entirely too much time glued to the computer waiting for someone i know to update on facebook (i am jodi herman dority on facebook for those of you that would like to join me there) or put up a new post on their blog…

at the onset,, i had every good intention of taking this time off to write and rework older pieces i have written,, none of that ever came to be,, as i found myself nearly paralyzed when it comes to stringing words together.. a part of it i am sure is due to the medications i am on,, but that in combination with the stress that was being generated by the doggie portion of my family,, left me speechless…

i decided early on not to fight this ‘writers block’ but to just branch out and explore other options.. i thought of art as a creative outlet.. i even walked the beach and collected sea glass that i want to use someday in a mosaic of sorts,, but so far, all i ever did was collect all the glass, the actual piece has yet to come together as i haven’t found the mirror i want to use as a frame…

i also decided that since i would have the time to devote to training one now would be a perfect time to get and train a new puppy.. however even that worked out much differently than i had anticipated,, no matter how good my original intention… to her credit i will say she has learned to sit and come,, and is working on her lay down command in the last week that i have finally had the opportunity to work with her…

none of these decisions materialized as i thought they would… in fact everything that i imagined i would have the time to do somehow or another became misconstrued and i have spent the past six months fighting off a nasty bout with depression due to being so isolated and trying to maintain some semblance of order in my doggie household..

now that peace has been restored all that is left is for me to get off my ass and get back to work so that i can feel like me again.. once i do,, i am hoping that the floodgates of words will open themselves back up and i will once again be blessed with more words than i can write… and when that happens,, i will be ever so thrilled to finally have them,, to write them down,, to arrange them in such a way that they are worthy of sharing with you…

thank you to all of you that have stuck it out with me over the course of the past few months.. you have seen me thru some really rough times,, and i doubt very seriously i could have made it without you…..

northern california has rebelled against mother nature and has put off the coming of spring by unleashing a week or so of gray, cloudy, wet, doom and gloom on us before she allows the warm dry air that is summer to wash over us… for someone that spends very little time outside,, the state of the weather is awfully important to my psyche…

the sun brings me to life,, raises my spirits makes me feel as if i ought to be doing something,, where as weather like we have been experiencing,, and will continue to experience at least thru saturday according to the current forecast,, makes me feel as if there is nothing i can do.. nothing i have to do,, nothing that cannot wait until the sun decides to shine… it makes communing with memories ever so much easier,, dwelling on sadness nearly a prerequisite,, and making plans for the future seem incomprehensible.

it has been a week today, since i gave up my  moo moo to the universe, and there is still a hole in my heart.. oh life has gone on… positive things have come out of it… peace,, serenity,, safety,, inga has even learned to ride in the car without puking all over it,, but the hole remains .. it cannot be filled by the positives it has left behind,, it will linger until i am sufficiently full of my memories and my moo moo has taken up her rightful place in my heart where she will live on forever free and happy,, like i remember her once being…

no amount of bad behavior can erase my love for her.. no amount of aggression can eclipse the years of love and life we shared.. questions as to why she became as angry and unpredictable will never really be answered,, but that doesn’t stop them from floating to the top protruding thru the serenity and making me wonder if i will ever know for sure if what i did was the right thing.. i know a part of me will forever feel guilty,, but we have no way of knowing if even that guilt is justified,, so that guilt remains a part of what will eventually fill the hole of longing that i still feel in my heart…

so i guess all told,, this weather is fitting.. the last day the sun shined in earnest was the day moo moo left us.. and maybe that is just as it should be….

i found it rather odd that at this precise moment in time one minute writer would have the words ‘grown up’ for their prompt..

Grown by *sportygirl4114 on deviantART

in the tagline on my blog, i describe myself as, ” a scared little child in a grown woman’s body…” and the evidence that this is so became a glaring truth this past week.. as situations came into being that forced me to make very adult decisions, and in the midst of so doing,, i never felt more like a little girl…

i wanted someone to come help me, no do it for me.. someone to weigh the evidence to make the decisions, to carry them out,, i wanted to hide under my pillow and wait until it was all over and not come back out until everything had been resolved,,, but i couldn’t.. i am, as much as i would hate to admit it,, all grown up.. i have no one to lean on,, no one to help me,, no one to do the hard parts for me..

and yet, amidst all the frustration and grief,  my mom emailed me,, and said  “I am so proud of you. That decision you made was huge. What I find out about you in making it is this, it was very difficult, adult, and very sacrificing. It took courage to make it and no one made it for you. I think you are ..almost…’all grown up’ That was ‘big girl’ deciding.” ..  at the moment when i felt most vulnerable,, most childlike,, most scared and unsure of my ability to make such a weighty decision,, to my mother i appeared all grown up…

and that got me to wondering.. do we ever really feel all grow up?? or do we just appear that way to others?? does a portion of all of us remain a scared little child no matter what age we achieve numerologically?? i know i often feel as if i am a child trapped in a grown up body being called upon to do very ‘grown up’ ‘big girl’ things,, things for which i feel ill prepared,, something about knowing that i am not alone makes me feel better..

“i am a scared little child in a grown woman’s body…” who learned this week that even scared little children are often called upon to make very ‘grown up’ decisions..

knowing i made the right decision, has not made it any easier on me,, but my mom kind of made it all make some sense when she said she was proud of me,, i had made a very grown up decision.. maybe that’s why it was hell,, because i was forced to use a part of me i am not always sure exists..

but i lived thru it and now i am here on the other side just trying to make sense out of what has happened,, and feeling ever so not- all grown up…

this piece is not well written,, but it is something i had to write in an effort to make sense of all that has been going on in my world in the last few days….

the candle heart by ~Asylum-Doll on deviantART

i don’t know that i am far enough away from it all to dissect it and make any sense of it all..  it seems as if it all happened so quickly,, and yet i saw it coming for months ahead of time.

my moo was always the perfect dog. she potty trained herself,, only ever peed in the house once in her whole life,, she was never any trouble always calm and obedient always my first love..

i wonder if maybe she hadn’t been such a joy to raise,, perhaps i would have spent a little more time impressing upon her that i was in fact the alpha,, not her.. she assumed she ruled the house and so it came to be,, and i let her.. i called her ‘grumbalina’ because she grumbled and growled at things to show her displeasure and all of us are equally as guilty at jumping to meet her every demand…

kymarina,, on the other hand has always been a timid girl, she never threatened moo in any way or questioned her move when she became the alpha dog in the house after my dobermans death.. she had a serene if lonely existence with moo,, who more or less ignored her her whole life.. they would lay on the bed together as long as they were not touching,, but the few times they ran away from home they did so together and stayed together till i could come and find them.. so they had a bond,, they cohabited,, but never really became friends,, it was more a mutual understanding,, you don’t bother me and i wont bother you…

before i took the step of bringing inga home, i went thru every possible scenario.. i knew going into it that moo was doggie aggressive,, (as of the age of 8 she started for no clear reason being aggressive toward other dogs and got in five or six fights as a result) which is why i chose to wait for a puppy,, a puppy that would no doubt be called upon one day to find her rightful place in the pack,, and would be able to hold her own against moo when the time came.. i took both ky and moo with me to the humane society.. i introduced them on common ground. moo could have cared less about the puppy and i thought we had found a match.. after all that is how i chose ky when i had my doberman and was not sure how he would take to a new puppy invading his home,, and that union had worked out amicably.. i knew going into it that if moo moo would not accept the puppy i would have to rehome her as moo was my first love and she came first…

i was not however prepared for the fight that occurred between moo and inga when inga was a mere four months old and a quarter, if that, of the size of moo.. i thought i was watching moo kill her before my very eyes.. i have never seen anything so terrifying as the way she beat that puppy, shaking her like a ragdoll as if she was trying to kill her… inga still bears the split in her ear that moo put there, it is like a notch shaped cut on the ear itself,, her own personal battle scar.

however after that fight,, the two of them did ok together,, getting in a few close spiffs,, but making up afterward, even playing little games of tug of war when moo was in the mood..

for whatever reason, moo evidently decided that she wanted inga in the pack,, and kylie out.. kylie is old and weak and feeble,, so moo took to attacking her.. she did it once and i thought,, well,, its a dog thing,, they have to fight to reorganize the pack,, to make sure everyone knows their place.. she did it a second time,, completely unprovoked,, i began to question moos reasoning.. i wondered then what do i do ?? just wait till someone really gets hurt?? and when she did it again this past sunday,, she attacked with such viciousness and would not stop.. she threw poor old ky to the ground twice and had her by the throat.. she cut her ear in two places and somehow or another had her gums bleeding too,, possibly from the fall,, i could not get her to stop,, i was on my way into the house to call 911 so i didn’t have to watch  moo moo kill kymarina right here in the front yard when somehow the fight stopped…

the dogs never made up… moo moo was not finished.. i knew right then and there that this had nothing to do with rehoming inga,, this was not the end of it.. she would continue to attack ky till she was maimed or fatally injured.. i believe moo was thru with her.. she had a new pack member that she liked better now,, and no longer wanted poor timid kymarina around…

and what then.. she had turned on her own pack mate,, her lifelong companion, the only other dog in the world she had ever really had a long term relationship with.. what if i had let her fight ky to the death,, who then would she have turned her attentions on,, inga,, me?? she already hates all other dogs and has gone so far as to jump on a dog in the vets office before,, once again completely unprovoked.. so who was the intended new game,, humans?? i have no way of knowing and was not going to allow moo to suffer thru that.. can you imagine the anguish she must have been suffering thru to be so unhappy she had to attack her own poor old pack mate ??

for those of you that did not live thru the last few months with us,, you have no way of knowing the feelings i have been suffering thru..the running interference,, the waiting patiently for the dawn so moo moo could go outside,, (as she had taken to spending her whole day outside away from all of us..) you have no way of knowing how many fights were staved off by me being in the right place at the right time,, and moo being of a mind to listen to me when i screamed at her and scared her enough to divert her attentions… i can see how many of you cannot understand why i did what i  i did…

moo was a wonderful dog.. a beautiful rottweiler,, a pleasure to know and to share a life with,, but something had gone awry,, and there was no way to know the direction moos tirade was going to take,, and at who’s expense was i willing to find out?? kys?? mine?? yours?? as a responsible pet owner i had to do what i had to do because it was the right thing to do… i would have loved to have found her another living situation but could not in good conscince say that she would be fine in a one dog environment. she had become someone i didnt know any more and could not trust.. how could i in good conscience turn her over to someone else and know that she would be fine,, that her aggressions would stop,, if i knew that i would have kept her myself… i loved her.. i would have done anything i could have to be able to keep her the rest of her natural life.

moo moo had a wonderful life.. she lived on acreage almost all of her life,, she has been fed the finest home made dog food and treats, slept in my bed with me on two featherbeds,, went everywhere with me that a dog could possibly go..  she had the finest medical attention.. and love,, oh that girl had love and devotion and everything that a dog could possibly want.. she was my baby.. i had had her since she was 12 weeks old,, small enough to hold in my arms and lay on the couch cuddled up with me and watch tv..

she was my favorite.. even tho i know that we are not supposed to have favorites.. i loved that dog.. i still love her.. i love her enough not to allow her to attack someone or something that would ill  dignify her and cause her to be put down in shame.. she died as lovingly and as regally as  she lived..

and even tho i cannot believe the decision to put her down had to come from me,, even tho i cannot imagine that i was able to make that decision and  follow thru with it, i have to come to terms with it,, and know in my heart i did the right thing.. the right thing for me and my girls,, and most of all the best thing for my baby, my moo moo..

my life has been forever altered by this event. i will never forget what it felt like to have to make this decision or the look on her adorable little face as i walked out of the room and left her with the vet for the last  time. i will love her and miss her  and all of the love and enjoyment she brought to my humble existence.. but today,, neither me,, nor either of my other girls has to live in fear.. we do not have to walk on eggshells hoping not to upset moos apple cart.. we are free,, we are at peace,, all of us- especially my moo moo..

Pigeon Point Lighthouse by themobius on deviantart

it is a sad state of affairs when people who are willing and able to work have to be taken out of the workforce in order to be able to afford medical treatment..

as of late it has become evident that i am caught in a bit of a health care catch 22.. currently i am on temporary disability. it allows me to be on a state funded medical care program that has made it possible for me to seek medical and psychiatric help i was long over due in seeking.. previously i had no health insurance and could never have afforded to for the doctor to run all the tests that we have had to run in order to find out the status of my virus, nor go into therapy and try and work out the part of my emotional ills that i cannot seem to cure on my own..

however,, it is getting to the point where all of this free time off work is about to make me crazy.. i have no human contact.. i have no money to leave the house,, i am banging around in the halls of my own head alone 24/7 and let me tell you i am not the healthiest of company.. it is driving me fast and furiously toward a depressive episode i would much rather avoid…

so yesterday i had the opportunity to meet with both my therapist and my psychiatrist and they agreed that  going back to work is a good thing,, but that i need to figure out a way i can stay on my meds… so now i have to wait till june 8th and see what the doctor says that prescribes the meds and if he is in agreement and we can find another low income program into which i can fit that will at least reduce the cost of my medical costs,, i should be going back to work with in the next month… (and they do exist as i used to be on one of them when i was working… but it would not pay for all the blood tests ultra sounds etc that were necessary to access the progress on my hep c)

in betwixt and between i have to find a job.. i don’t really think i wanna go back to the deli,, (even if they have a place for me) as i would like something closer to waitressing,, something where i am not preparing food just serving it.. so i just emailed a friend of mine that owns a local bakery to see if she could squeeze me in a few days a week,, and on that i will keep you posted…

alas there is a light at the end of this lonely tunnel…. at present it is just a candle flickering,, but to me it is a lighthouse,, a beacon of hope….

the opening line of this poem is brought to you courtesy of A Walk After Dark by W. H. Auden,, and supplied by keith (from keiths ramblings) on his new prompt site called carry on tuesday….

Night Sky by ~Lash-Draco on deviantART

a cloudless night like this
can set the spirit soaring
or the mind reeling into despair
i watch it every morning
from this same chair
the graying of the sky
that soon becomes the dawn
i wonder why it is i wake so early
i wonder why i am already
in a panic
over having no plans for the day
i wonder if the night is cloudless
or if we are enveloped in fog
the sun breaks the horizon
and the freedom of cloudlessness
becomes the confinement of fog

maybe today i will take myself
for a little ride over the hill
directly into the sunrise that is sure to follow
this little graying in the sky
and maybe by the time i get home
the fog will have burned away
and the dogs
will have taken up their places
on the bed and in the yard
and i can take a nap
to burn off the rest of the light
of this newly born day
making it impossible for me to go reeling
too far from center…