….why paisley???

Doctor Visit by =gnaime on deviantART

as weird as it may seem,, having publicly admitted my willingness to accept defeat, has actually pushed me to do something i have spent a handful of years consciously not doing… i actually made an appointment to go speak to the local doctor on monday..

i need to get my bloods done.. it has been nearly ten years since i was diagnosed with hepatitis c.. at that time i checked my liver enzymes,, my viral load,, and had a liver biopsy, and since the results of all of those tests were totally non threatening,,, i promptly walked away from the diagnosis…

in addition to checking on the status of my liver,, i want to do my cholesterol,, my sugar,, check my thyroid function,, and see if there is any way he can tell by the hormone levels in my blood,, if i am actively in the change of life,, or if once again i should just fall back on plain old insanity to explain my mood swings, panic attacks,, and ultimate lack of luster for life…

once i have come clean with him about the little hepatitis thingy,, maybe i will feel better at liberty to attack the subject of my unwillingness to even attempt quitting smoking.. currently, it is my assumption that if i am already sick,, why not allow myself this one simple pleasure?? and believe it or not,, smoking is ultimately the only real pleasure in which i still allow myself to indulge..

i have smoked for 32 years.. smoking has been the best (oft times the only) friend i have ever had.. my cigarettes have  followed me everywhere,, loved me when even i couldn’t love myself,, and never, never let me down…. truth be told,, i cannot imagine myself ever quitting..

it has become so much a part of who i am,, that i can literally visualize myself alternating puffs of oxygen with a pull off a cigarette somewhere in the not so distant future- ever so much more than i can picture myself being counted among the ranks of the non smokers in our society..

if the truth be told, the current level of self righteous, elitism that has permeated many of that ilk,, only heightens my desire not to quit..  very frankly,  the possibility of being guilty,, even by association, should i decide to be counted among that number,, nauseates me… i want no part of a sector of our society that not only believes they have been handed a license to discriminate,, but proudly displays it like some kind of sick badge of honor..

in a world that cannot even seem to overcome the racial, religious, and/or sexual biases that have been handed down thru the generations like some kind of a diseased birthright,, it just sickens me that there are those among us that would not only allow for,, but purposefully create and continue to nurture,, yet another barrier…

anywhoo…. first things first… maybe if my hepatic panels are benign enough he will give me drugs to help me quit smoking… ahhhhh,,, drugs… oh,, i do like the sound of that……

i have been going thru a period of real inward change the last month or two.. a time of quiet introspection.. a time for the tying up of loose ends… a time in which i have sought to define the rolls of the many characters that have played a part in the story of my life…  earlier this week i came upon a post on my friend steve’s blog, a whitesnakes bite can be lethal entitled,  demons….  and as i read it,, i knew,, that i was not alone….

Blame Game 3 by ~donnyhood on deviantART

much of my inward dialogue on this subject surrounds a statement of absolution i remember making to my mom many years ago … “you did what you thought was right.. i made my own decisions and i cannot honestly say that had you done everything differently,, it would have influenced my decisions in any way….”

you see,, i have never had a problem with accepting the blame for my own actions as well as the consequences of those actions.. as a survivor,, i am proud of all that i have lived thru, and eager to take the credit, for the triumphs,, as well as the blame, for the portions of it that turned out to be ‘less than fun’…

i have always known,, that in actions,, the blame is never shared.. so i have never blamed my parents, or the men i have chosen to accompany me thru portions of this life, for anything that was not, in all honesty, their fault. namely,, their actions… and by the same token,, i have always been willing to assume the blame for what i did as a result of those actions,, as mine and mine alone… but i realize now that, that in itself,, is not enough..

a year or so ago,, one morning i woke up and said,,, “you know,, what ‘they’ did was not right either… you are not solely to blame.. it does take two to tango…” and from that moment forward,, i have been exercising my right to blame… not so much the finger pointing and the name calling kind of blame,, but as a means of understanding what part the actions of others have played in the choices i have made,, and assessing how my reactions to their actions may have contributed to my often mangled sense of self….

in attributing those perceptions i came away with from say,  my childhood, or my tumultuous relationships,, the laying of blame where blame deserves to be laid, has become an important part of the introspective process…. it has not only allowed me to own who i have become,, but to accept the parts that others have played in my definition of me…

today i know,, that i am not simply the culmination of a list of actions.. but rather,, who i am is a direct  result of the choices i have made, based on the interactions i have had with everyone that i have ever known… today i realize that had they in fact done everything different,, i would have had to make a whole different set of decisions based on their actions…

and that realization has allowed me to see,, that i don’t have to remain the by-product of all that i have been.. i no longer have to define myself by my own knee jerk reactions to other peoples behaviors.. for the first time in my life i feel as though i am free to recreate myself and to be who ever it is i want to be…

of course,, whether or not i do so,,  remains to be seen….

for those of you that do not live in northern california,, proposition 8 is an initiative measure on the 2008 california general election ballot that seeks to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry. If passed, the proposition would change the california constitution by adding a section that states, “only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.” thus eliminating the “loophole” also known as “the equal protection clause”, as set out in the fourteenth amendment to the constitution of the united states of america,, thru which the state has seen fit to allow the right of same-sex couples to marry in the state of california since may of this year…

but this is not a post about whether or not same sex marraiges should be taking place in the state of california..  of course they should.. anyone willing to hop into bed with uncle sam should be given the opportunity to do so.. and i for one do not want to go on record as having stood in the way of hundreds of thousands of divorce lawyers all over the country as they stand salivating in the halls of justice awaiting the coming deluge of same sex clientele …..

anywhoo…… the first thing i saw this morning was this headline in the san francisco chronicle:  Flood of money against Prop 8…. this article goes on to state that a virtual “tsunami of new money has poured into the campaign to defeat Proposition 8, as Hollywood celebrities, deep-pocketed donors and thousands of people from across the country wrote checks to block the proposed ban on same-sex marriage in California.”

and my questions here in lie… what the hell should money have to do with it?? and if the final decision as to whether or not this proposition is to be passed will be decided by which side of the coin has raised the majority of the money in support of their stand on the issue,, why are they even asking ‘we the people’ to vote on it???

what difference does a hole punched in a ballot make if the money has already secured its passing or failure?? and in the event that this decision,, as do most decisions made in society as we have come to know it,, does in fact boil down to who has the most money,, why are we, the american people, still buying into the whole “your vote makes a difference” bullshit????

i know i cannot be alone in seeing thru the smoke and mirrors,, as in my humble opinion,, it seems as if they have done away with the smoke and mirrors all together at this late stage in the game,, and have decided that if we cannot recognize the simple fact that “money talks and bullshit walks” at this point- we are evidently too ignorant to try and explain it to…

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in the mood for something a little lighter??? i have reposed a fun piece of rhyming prose over on just paisley…. called “uncle” that ties in nicely with today’s post…..

portions of this post were originally inspired by rick at myrtle beach ramblings and his post, “would another depression be so bad?”

Women in the Great Depression by ~eternalfire42 on deviantART

last weeks sunday scribblings asked that we choose a time in history that we would like to go back to if given that opportunity… so,, when i sat down to write this,, i was going to answer emphatically,, the roaring twenties….. after all,, flappers,, speakeasies,, bathtub gin,, real gangsters,, the height of the jazz age- who wouldn’t??? if any era in our history has impressed me as a time when a woman could break out from the societal norms in truly glamorous style,, i would have to say that point in time,, in my opinion,,, was the roaring twenties…

however,, as i prepared to write this piece,, i decided to do a little research on that time period,, and i was a bit taken a back by  wikipedia’s description of that period,, “as an era of great economic prosperity driven by the introduction of a wide array of new consumer goods….. and (its) society acculturated into consumerism.” whoa….. that sounds a little too familiar…

without the aid of time travel,, it immediately became evident, that i have in fact lived thru,, the modernization of exactly that…. and as i look around me,, and i see people losing their homes,, lines of credit being dissolved,, interest rates skyrocketing,, banks failing,, and stock markets crumbling,, even the failed war on drugs (tho in those days they called it prohibition)  i begin to realize,, that the economic crisis we are experiencing at present,, is not at all far removed from that which we saw following that period of glamorous excess that we call the roaring twenties….  the great depression….

it was then that i remembered, that when the stock market crashed in 1929, my great grandmother was about as far from being a glamorous, fun loving flapper as anyone could be.. she was a twenty-nine year old, widowed, mother of two young children. she was raising my grandmother and my aunt rita in a second floor, cold water flat,, and working five days a week at a fasteners plant to supplement her deceased husbands small pension from the fire department.  yet, even though our country was embroiled in one of the worst economic upheavals in its history during the years that she was raising her children, alone,,  the words, “the depression” never really entered into the stories she told us over and over again as we grew up and gleaned the history of our family from the vast storehouse of her memories..

i never really understood the importance of that omission until recently.. you see,, when the depression hit,, my great grandmother,  was already among the working poor.. those that made enough to keep afloat and have a drink or two on a friday night on the way home from the shop.. she had immigrated here from ireland as an eight year old child,, and had never known anything but poverty.. she had nothing to lose..

although i know she had dreams,, she was not raised to believe that she was entitled to attain greatness or riches simply because she had made the long grueling trip to america.. tho’ she had fantasies,, she knew the difference between delusions of grandeur and what she could expect to attain given her lack of higher education, current rate of pay, and  social status.. she worked hard, played hard,, and raised two happy, healthy, well adjusted daughters,, who followed in her footsteps and did the same…

it was not until the great depression had become a yellowed page in a history book,, and those that had actually lived through it as adults, were well on their way to old age, that the children of the sixties decided to ‘fix’ things and openly rebel against all of the societal norms.. it was not until the seventies that we began to really believe that we were born entitled to equality, individual freedom of expression, and sexual indulgence.. it was not until the eighties that we began to supplement those entitlements with vast quantities of props and became willing to attain them at all cost.. it was not until the nineties that we began to pervert those freedoms and entitlements to such a degree that we became willing to sacrifice our integrity and common sense in order to attain them… thus bringing us full circle as we headed into the new millennium….  i do not think that there is anyone among us that will deny the fact that we are once again living in “an era of great economic prosperity driven by the introduction of a wide array of new consumer goods….. and (our) society (has) acculturated into consumerism.”

i guess it is for that reason that i secretly hope we are headed for a great depression.. one of such epic proportion that it will put even the original great depression to shame.. one that will cause those of us that have come to define ourselves by the position we hold,, the cars we drive,, the clothes we wear,, the food we eat,, or the cell phone our children take to school with them,, to see that the blind pursuit of ‘bling’ has caused us to leave what is really important behind.. our humanity.. one that might cause us to stop and examine the ideals that this consumerist insanity is instilling in our children.. one that just might level out the playing field a bit,, and force us all to become part of the “change” everyone seems to be talking about….

i know,, history is bound to repeat itself.. i know that the generations to come will forget about the present economic hardships and the lessons instilled upon those of us that make it through this as quickly as we forgot about the lessons learned by our ancestors who lived thru the original great depression.. but i am thinking, that if we could get just three well grounded, intelligent, decades of human beings in between now and then,, it just might be worth anything i have to sacrifice to get it…..

vote by ~gasoline-rainbow on deviantART

they say, opinions are like assholes,, and living in an area densely populated with political activists, as i do,, i cannot help but grow increasingly alarmed at the number of people willing to “drop the soap” when i say, that i will, once again, be exercising my right not to vote in the upcoming presidential election..

while many are quick to say that my stance is unamerican,, or that i am undermining the very constitution on which this country was founded,, few, if any,  ever want to listen when i attempt to explain to them that my decision not to vote,, is just that.. a decision.. it is not because i do not care who runs the country to which i pledge my allegiance… it is not a byproduct of my lack of education.. it is not because i am too lazy to go to the polls.. it is not a result of my own ignorance when it comes to the  election process… nor is it due to the fact that i am exempt from feeling the same gut wrenching need for change that the majority of you are experiencing…

but rather, it is because i believe i that have done my research and have come to a rather intelligent, informed, conclusion based on the facts that are available to me..  it is because the conclusion that i have come to makes sense to me… and it is for that reason, that i would like to share with you today,, my personal rational for having made a decision not to vote in this, or any other, presidential election…

let me begin by saying, it is not, in any way, my intention to pass judgment on those of you that have made the very important decision to vote.. i do not seek to belittle the process that you have gone through in selecting the candidate you feel is most qualified to assume the position of commander and chief of this country. i do not believe that my way of thinking is in any way, superior.. nor has it ever been my position to feel the necessity to convert anyone to my way of thinking….

that being said,, i would like to begin by saying that i find it particularly interesting that, whereas “The Constitution contains many phrases, clauses, and amendments detailing ways people cannot be denied the right to vote….. the Constitution never explicitly ensures the right to vote..” in addition, “No where in the Constitution,  will you find any mention of how elections should be conducted.” and there is good reason for that.. you see eleven days prior to adopting the constitution, at a little get together called the Philadelphia Convention,, our forefathers approved the assignation of what has commonly come to be known as  “the electoral college”.. the electoral college is a group of designated officials (in the state of California this group is made up of 2 senators and 53 members of the house of representatives, none of which, whose names i know) who’s task at hand is to put aside all personal agenda,, and cast a vote based solely on the number of votes placed by the citizenry in a presidential election..

so then, the founders of this country had already put a plan into action that would allow them the power to override the vote of the people, should it not coincide with their collective vision.. that in itself does not sit well with me.. add to that the fact that this system has failed time and time again to accurately reflect the votes as placed by, we, the citizens of this country,, (thus resulting in many states having to pass individual laws threating criminal prosecution, automatic resignation, and/or fines to be imposed upon those who fail to adhere to the guidelines,,) and i must confess,, i am left with very little reason to believe that my one vote is of any real consequence.

my feeling is,, if ever i should decide to vote, i would need to be convinced of the impeccability of the character of, not only the candidate that i deemed best suited for the office of the president,, but i would need to have blind faith in all (in my case since i live in CA ) 55 members of the electoral college.. i would need to trust implicitly that each and every one of them is above reproach.. i would have to believe that they had put aside their own careers,, their own political agendas,, their personal allegiances,, and voted totally and completely as a reflection of the number of votes that have been cast in their state,, and for whom…  as much as i would like to believe that humans are basically good,, and will, if given the opportunity, do what they know to be right, simply because they know it to be right- in all honesty,, and if history is any indicator,, i cannot, in truth say, that i believe in the infallibility of even one man, let alone 538 popularly elected representatives…

secondly, and on a more personal note,, i (much like many of you) have had the opportunity to witness more than one election unfold. i have seen candidate after candidate renege on any and/or all campaign promises, on which they based their so called platform, once they were elected to office.. i have watched debate after debate degenerate into mud slinging competitions of embarrassing proportion.. i have looked on while candidates whom i am expected to endow with my trust, loyalty and support,, succumb to behaviors i would not find acceptable, in adolescents..  i have seen the evolution, through necessity, for fact finding organizations who’s sole purpose during the election campaigns is to gauge who is lying,, and about what,, and then supply us with the truth surrounding their numerous “misspeaks”….

i’m sorry,, i know i have said it numerous times before,, but i feel compelled to say it again.. i cannot reward bad behavior… i cannot cast a vote thereby giving my signature of approval to a system i believe to be irreparably flawed. i believe that doing so would signifying that i am in agreement with the way the system is functioning, and i cannot publicly pretend to believe in the cohesiveness of a system that privately, i believe to be very, very broken…..

Duck by ~blacksparklymagic on deviantART

most of us have heard of a little something affectionately called ‘the duck law’… it states,, that if it walks like a duck,, and it talks like a duck,, chances are very good,, that it is indeed a duck… believe me when i tell you, that such is the accepted perspective of law enforcement in our society.. i know first hand,, as i have been arrested for it… only in texas, they call it manifestation…. you don’t have to be caught in the act of actually doing anything illegal,, you just have to look like the kind of person that would in fact be doing something illegal, if given the chance,, or be in a place that is frequented by those that are known to be on the look out for something illegal to do… that’s all it takes…

the supreme court of the united states of america has evidently taken the ‘duck law’ one step further.. they have decided that,, a black man,, any black man,, that stands accused of killing a white police officer,, looks right for the part.. they don’t care whether or not he is guilty.. they are not concerned with the fact that there is more than reasonable doubt surrounding the circumstances under which this man was convicted.. they have chosen not to inconvenience themselves with such trivial matters,, as the lack of physical evidence, the inability to provide a motive, the retraction of seven out of nine (coerced) eyewitnesses testimonies,, or the fact that someone else (who just happened to be a star witness for the prosecution in the original trial),,  has allegedly confessed to the crime…. nope… to them,, a duck, is a duck, is a duck…..

as america stands poised to vote in an historic election,, the first in which a black man has, not only run for the presidency of the united states,, but is at the present time,,  if one is to believe the current polls as published,, is leading the nation in electoral votes-  another black man sits in the state of georgia,, on death row,, awaiting execution… as the media pats white america’s back,, congratulating us on our showy display of racial diversity,, and staunch voters claim to be far too evolved to allow the color of a mans skin to influence their decision making abilities,, troy anthony davis,  awaits the third, and perhaps final,  notice of his own execution…

despite the fact that he, and a sizable entourage of noted legal professionals, are confident they can prove, beyond reasonable doubt, that he did not commit the murder of which he has been convicted,, the supreme court has cast off his last remaining appeal.. it is evidently, a lot easier to just allow a duck,, to remain a duck….

These are the names, of the 9 Supreme Court Justices that hold each of our civil rights in their hands:

William Hubbs Rehnquist,  John Paul Stevens,  Sandra Day O’Connor,  Clarence Thomas,  Stephen Breyer,   Ruth Bader Ginsburg,   Antonin Scalia,  Anthony M. Kennedy,   David Hackett Souter…..

i cannot help but wonder which among them will cast a well researched,, intellectually sound,, bias free vote for the man, they feel will do what needs to be done, in order to bring our country out of the economic cycle of self destruction in which we currently find ourselves… or is that a moot point,, considering that they have already cast their vote,, and in their esteemed opinion,, a duck,, is a duck,, is a duck….

**authors note: i do not endorse, nor will i cast my vote, for either candidate in the current presidential election.**

the three of us on my parents wedding day, april 6, 1963

yesterday was a very difficult day.. however,,  i just got off the phone with the shift nurse in charge of my dads care,, and he said they are beginning to make real progress at emptying the bowel,, and the kidney function seems to be resuming… finally a light at the end of the tunnel… while by no means is he “out of the woods” what needs to happen is happening… and that in itself is a blessing…

last night,, in a desperate maneuver to find out what was going on,, i called the nurses station and had them go see if any one was in the room with my dad.. my mom was there, so i asked to be transferred to her.. although i think i caught her off guard, calling the room,, she allowed me to say hello and i love you to my dad,, who despite being sedated and having tubes in every orifice said “i love you too,, jod…. ” after an eight year silence,, i cannot tell you what it felt like to hear those words…

for those of you that may not have noticed,, i have a way of turning everything around and making it,, all about me.. while this is not an attribute of which i am particularly proud,, i do acknowledge its existence,, and when i catch myself doing it,, i do try and make a conscious effort to step outside myself, and at least be objective, even if i cannot truly see things thru the others perspective..

for the past week or so i have been so blinded by my desire to be there,, to see him,, to be together as a family,, that i failed see that to do so,, would be to blindly do what I needed to do for me.. it was what I could live with.. it was what would make me feel better… but,, it is not what my dad wants..

he doesn’t want us to see him like this.. he is a man’s man. a proud man.. and to see him like this would be to display weakness,, and i know that is not something he has ever allowed himself to do,, especially where his daughters are concerned… somehow,, having heard the sound of his voice,, uncharacteristically weak, and distorted by the tubes and medications,,   allowed me to see for the first time,  that the reason he doesn’t want us there has nothing to do with us being ‘mad’ or ‘disfellowshipped’ or who, after all this time, is right and who is wrong,, and everything to do with his desire to travel this particular path on his own… the way he sees fit.. in a way he is comfortable with…

i know now,, no matter what we may have allowed to keep us apart,, he does love me… and today,, that is the only part of his recovery i am going to allow to be about me….

my parents on their wedding anniversary, two years ago

as some of you may remember my dad was hospitalized twice in the recent past with heart problems. in addition to having an arrhythmia that was persistent and difficult to control with medication,, he had a stent placed to clear an obstruction,, and was ultimately diagnosed as needing an aortic valve replacement..

he had the aortic valve replacement surgery last wednesday (10-8-08),, and made it thru the surgery just fine.. however since then,, his kidneys have not resumed function,, and as of yesterday he has begun suffering severe swelling and distention of the abdomen,, possibly related to a shut down of the intestinal track according to my mom, who is not really good at relaying medical information,, (he is currently being fed and hydrated intravenously,, he has taken no food or water orally since before the surgery) or the liver shutting down according to my own arm chair detective work..

either way,, his current prognosis is not real good.. my mom has asked to bring in an acupuncturist today,, and the cardiac surgeon is compliant, which kind of makes me wonder if he isn’t to willing to try anything at this point.,, although according to mom he told her he is not “overly concerned”?????

my mom is a bit strung out,, but seems to be holding up pretty well and she maintains there is no reason for myself or my sisters to be there.. i feel so out of control.. while i know there is nothing i can do, medically,, i also know i feel like i should be there.. i feel like she needs us.. like he needs us.. no matter what they say..

we have been so dysfunctional for so long,, i don’t know whether i should do what she asks and stay here,, or do what my heart tells me is right and just go… is she reluctant to ask us to come? does she think to do so would be a ‘bad omen’ so to speak?? is my dad adamant about not seeing us??  does she just not want us there??  i have no way of knowing….

she says the elders of their congregation (jehovah’s witnesses) are there and they are doing everything.. i only know that they are not calling any of the daughters and updating us as to his condition,, (is that because we are all disfellowshipped??) does their being there take the place of your own daughters being there?? or is she saying that so i won’t feel guilty that i am not there?? i honestly do not know…

i just don’t know what to do..

Hiding place by ~Jcandres on deviantART

currently, i am researching a full length fiction piece that i have never intended to post here,, (mainly because i feel reading full length pieces online is tedious, and i would not expect you to do so) and more than likely, given my track record of non-submission,, i will not “send out” either.. i am writing it strictly to see if i can do it.. if i can follow it thru,, if i can collect it,, contrive it,, compile it,, and complete it..

my project is based on a short story i shared with you months ago,, entitled, her boy.. it is the story of a woman of dubious past, tried and convicted by the media,, of a heinous crime she did not commit..  it is a project that has had me stepping outside of my comfort zone and writing about something with which i have no first hand experience.. it is a project that involves research and a mobilization of emotions that i have not personally experienced,, and since my niche in writing is quite confessional,, being, thinking, and acting, for someone outside of myself requires a lot of investigative research..

my foray into researching this project has had me dabbling in something in which i would not ordinarily dabble,, and that is the cold, hard, world of another’s reality.. i prefer the warm, fuzzy, comfort of my world.. my little corner… a place where everything is mine and runs in a fashion that i prescribe for it.. a tiny little sector of life inhabited by one woman, two dogs, and the occasional walk on part by a generous old man or a distant family member… but for the most part my world is mine.. alone..

in researching the subject matter for this piece,, i have been carried off into a world of the unimaginable.. i have read, and continue to read, account after account of those caught up in the criminal justice system thru no real fault of their own.. people just like you and i, that are living thru their own personal hell because no one wants to accept the fact that something as powerful and all consuming as the criminal justice system might be broken..

as i delve ever deeper into the case histories, “meet” the people involved,, review the trial transcripts,, i am given to wonder,, of what consequence is my writing a piece of fiction about a woman that doesn’t really exist, being incarcerated for an imagined crime?? could not my desire to research and write about such atrocities be put to better use?? where exactly does creating works of fiction and crafting cleverly worded poems fit into the grander scheme of things?? should i seek out the opportunity to write on a subject that “matters” ?? or continue writing,, just to see if i can???

very simply,, i am drawn toward making something real come from my efforts.. something that matters.. something that makes a difference.. for me it has always been about the words, their power, their authority, the feeling of control i have when they string themselves together in such a way as to replicate,, feeling,, emotion,, life… their ability to carry me along,, drag me,, toss and turn me,,  using them in a such way as to compel you to feel what i am feeling…

yet,, i cannot help but wonder,  if perhaps my desire to string together the words in such a way,,, could not be put to better use.. what if i could cause you to feel what i am feeling,, and together we could make a difference?? even if it was a very small difference,, say in the life of one person neither of us will ever really know???

immersing myself in another’s reality for the past few weeks has caused me to reexamine my motivations.. to question the hours that i am willing to spend orchestrating pretty words… to wonder if perhaps this place called …why paisley??? has not been just a hiding place,, all along…..

Immersed In Her Garden by ~Very-Old-Geezer on deviantART

just dropping in to let you all know i am immersed in reading and research at the moment and just haven’t had the time or the inclination to create… this is the first time in nearly two years i have had something really pique my interest enough to really delve in,, and i am running with it…

thanks for your indulging me this…. be back soon…….