….why paisley???

i have fallen in… and can’t get out!!!!

i decided the host at wordpress wasn’t allowing me enough flexibility,, so i am setting up with a new host,,, and i will probably be stuck in here all day…as it takes me forever to do what most of you can do in about ten minutes… bare with me….

this isn’t as pretty as the other theme… but i can work with it… and that is what i wanted something i could work with…so here i am and here i will stay….

i will be playing with it all day… so if you see something you think shouldn’t be there… you’re probably right…let’s just hope i can correct it!!!!!!

this is a continuation of yesterdays post entitled misguided provocateurs….

what may i ask,, is a woman to do?????

one answer to that question was supplied in this post, by vanessa…. get a vibrator, or as she suggests a few of them…in her article she gives us a very interesting history of the use of the vibrator… i was shocked to learn that women during the victorian era were treated for what they “believed to be a disease” at the time, called hysteria… this disease could be “treated” by providing “the patient” with an orgasm,…and since the societal qualms of the day prevented women from masturbating, or evidently having anything even remotely resembling gratifying sexual encounters.. the medical community invented a tool to do it for them…and voile’ the vibrator was born….

i find it particularly interesting to find out that today the word hysteria has evolved into meaning this:

hys·ter·i·a (h-str-, -stîr-)
n.
1. Behavior exhibiting excessive or uncontrollable emotion, such as fear or panic.
2. A mental disorder characterized by emotional excitability and sometimes by amnesia or a physical deficit, such as paralysis, or a sensory deficit, without an organic cause.

loosely translated does that mean that women who desire gratifying sex are mentally unstable??? or is it just further proof, that man kind in general still has not caught on to the tie in between emotions and sex?? but i digress…

now am i the only one that wonders what the hell the husbands were thinking??? did it never occur to them that perhaps they should step up to the plate??? what exactly were they doing while their women were having the only sexually gratifying encounter they had ever experienced with a machine in the company of the family physician???? sadly the answer is… the same thing they are doing today….. “gettin’ them some.”

that is the point i am making… changing our societal attitudes in entertainment , literature, advertising, appropriate forms of dress,,etc.. has done nothing to improve our most intimate relations with those of the opposite sex…yes,, we are now able to recognize that woman not only can and do achieve an orgasm, but even desire sexual contact and situations…but what progress has been made in the area of general technique?? … i find it sad that, todays women accept that employment of sex toys, such as the vibrator, as an acceptable substitute for gratifying sex with a man… to some it may be… but not to me…

i do in fact own a vibrator, and i believe it is safe to say, that as i have been a single female the majority of my adult life, it isn’t the first one….but i have never felt that using it as a substitute for what i wasn’t getting from any given partner was the role i desired it to play in my life…… i still don’t….true at times it can be an enhancement,, and for solo masturbatory purposes,, i think it can be without equal … but am i willing to accept it as my only source of orgasm if i am in an intimate relationship??

no … i am not….

i have been celibate by circumstance for just over a year at the current time, as i have found sex becomes even more complicated after 40…at this juncture, even in light of all the modern technology, and advances in the areas of medicine that influence sexual performance, there is the added pressure of dealing with one sexual inadequacy after another in my male counterparts..and very frankly, i just cannot be bothered…they are either impotent, and want to try and tell you it is your fault,, as “this has never happened to them before”,,, or they have been married forever and have no idea what real sex is,, or they are sexual perpetrators,,, who just happen to have a wife and kids at home who “just don’t understand them”,,, none of the above are my choice of an ideal sexual partner….

i have stated here before that i have been involved in two, what i call long term relationships. the first, a marriage,, was a sexual disaster. my ex husband bought me my first vibrator in hopes that it would stimulate me to partake in “that thing” he called sex… instead.. it replaced him….

in my second relationship i was fortunate enough to have met my sexual match in that i never had, nor needed,, a vibrator… in fact for me to have brought one into our bed would have been disrespectful… in my eyes… not his…although we never broached the subject, it just wasn’t necessary… . no matter what else happened we related to each other sexually…we lived our fantasy… oft times the same fantasy hammer refers to in the post i sited yesterday,,, sometimes violently, and sometimes in jest… yet by the same token we could experience a loving union of the souls….. but we were living sexually thru each other,,, we didn’t just have sex…

where as i don’t believe many will ever have the privilege of experiencing what we had together,,, and i find the chances that i will ever experience, that meeting of the mind and body again,, fall somewhere between slim and none…

i still don’t think an educated, experienced, sexual partner is so much to ask…

you would think in the world in which we live where sex is one of the most prevalent influences in our society, there should be some sliver of the male population out there that has made it their business to understand a truly female attitude toward sex, men looking to live out a fantasy, a meeting of the sex, and the sexuality..and experience life as a sexual being…. not just having sex…

unfortunately,, for me,, and in all reality,,, if that most savory morsel of the male species does exist….hes probably gay….

photo http://jessicadoyle.ca/

my post invisible, struck me as an unintentional brush against the inside of the thigh of human sexuality… and in response i am finding information in the news and on several other blogs,,, that in combination with my own deeper thought into the subject have lead me to here today…

first.. let me site the stepping stones……….

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/06/03/LVG2QQ3F6J1.DTL

http://www.hammeruncut.com/rape-fantasy-vs-reality-opinion-poll/

http://vanessagx.wordpress.com/2007/06/01/vibrator-no-hysteria/

for those of you who prefer not to engage in sexually explicit conversation,,, i think you will agree this discussion will prove to be more philosophical than sexual……so don’t be afraid to read on….

i will be the first to admit, my sexual mind set is not of the garden variety…

i find it preliminary to mention, that in my own personal experience i had engaged multiple sexual partners, been married, and given birth to three children before i ever had an orgasm perpetuated by a man…..sad indeed,, but very true..and not nearly as unheard of as we would like to believe….as my sexual repertoire was varied indeed, i cannot say that this was due to the ineptitude of any one partner as an individual, but rather the misdirection of human sexuality as a whole….

whereas our society has chosen to use sex as an acceptable focus,, it has failed to give us any direction…. we are taught at a very young age, what sexy is,,, …listen to the radio,, watch some music videos,, television,, movies,, cartoons,, read a magazine, or the local news paper…we are inundated in sexuality as a visual experience,,, and audio experience,, a written experience,,, even an advertising experience… but i find virtually no useful knowledge in any of those mediums for the actual performance… the physical attributes have been keenly dressed and trotted out before us as titillating role models, if you will,,, with absolutely no thought or reference given to the highly emotional nature of the actual sexual encounter…..

why is that??? we are instructed in the physical anatomy of the human form in school… the fight for such anatomical training was long and hard,, and is still a debatable issue in some circles….and yet, few men, that i have ever had the opportunity to encounter sexually can elaborate on the roles of the various erogenous zones in the female anatomy,,, and despite sex ed in the schools,, many of them cannot even correctly name the organs of the female anatomy that are engaged in conjugal sex….

women on the other hand have an easier time understanding the physical anatomy and sexual desires of men, for a couple of reasons… men are more basic in the vocalization of their needs.. their sex is more purely physical, and easier to pin down in to acts, or motions…. and they have one main external sex organ,, which i think nearly all of mankind can name….

i remember a conversation i had with my ex-husband many years ago, in effort to sort out the underlying problems we were having in the sexual arena… i stated then, and still believe, that the physical design of the male and female bodies is not one of sexual compatibility…i feel there a great lacking in the positioning of the areas of exterior physical stimulation between the male and female bodies……in other words, simple performance of the inherent sexual act, or intercourse, is not a viable way to achieve mutual satisfaction…

whilst, society has relieved us,, as women,, of the taboos once associated with any desire on the part of the female for sexual gratification,,, it has lead us down the road of purely physical provocation…. and then proceeds to leave us stranded there..

the vision of the modern sexually active female is that of the misguided provocateur… the female that is paraded before us by the various media outlets is one of sexual promotion without thought to action… it allows a man to feel comfortable with the fact that we are not adverse to attracting their sexual attentions, in fact we are even desirous of them….but at the point where the actual physical/emotional/mental juncture is to take place… leaves us in the hands of uneducated amateurs..

women are so misguided in this day and age they are resorting more and more to plastic surgery to make their genitals, more pleasing to the eye…..don’t believe me?? google labiaplasty or vaginoplasty..now i want to know if they think if it” looks” better it will inherently “work” better??? no amount of pretty is going to get you off with a male population that doesn’t know what to do with your pretty little thang….

the article in the chronicle as sited gives us a very interesting look into the all ready in progress future of female sexuality… do you mean to tell me that it is becoming necessary to artificially enhance the female physical sexual attributes in order to coincide with the male sexual mentality….is trying to gain insight into the female sexual nature so foreign???

in many ways,, i feel betrayed… i love men, and i have been known to love sex..i just don’t have at this point in my life the time nor the inclination to raise a sexually inept child… and since sexual prodigies are few and far between… what may i ask is a woman to do?????

to be continued…..

the photo here in contained was downloaded by me some time ago from a a search for the word “monogamy”, in the google image search engine. i cannot locate it today, and thus cannot tell you any more about it than it downloaded under the name “back”…….

i came home from work today, and found this in my email…..

“I’ve been thinking about a comment you made a few days ago about how all those photos are so special to you. Yet on no photo do I see that you added the artist credit. Image how special those pieces are to the people that actually did the work to create them. In any community where creative work is involved, that’s bad form. The lack of credit creates an illusion that you, and not the actual artist, are responsible for the work. Yes, you have a disclaimer, that’s fine. But that doesn’t excuse you from giving proper credit.”

as you can see it was brought to my attention today that i very well might be stepping on toes by putting art work in my posts……. as i have not been crediting the artists for the work i use on my blog… and i believe in so doing, a valid point was addressed.

i do not ever use work that is noted as copywrited or in any other way owned… i have a brief disclaimer on my site that says this:

DISCLAIMER: all artwork, and, or photography here in contained, i procured from google image searches. whereas, i have not knowingly used anything that is copywrited, or otherwise “owned”, please feel free to inform me if i have used your work without proper credit or permission.

as it is not now, nor has it ever been my intention to market my writing or my brand of thinking… it never occurred to me this was…in bad form…i thought that if the work was on google and not owned it was ok to use it….for non commercial purposes, and not altered in any way….i even have a creative commons notation on my site that says you may use my work, as long as you don’t use it to make money, alter it, or proclaim it your own….

i never in any way shape or form assume credit for the art work or photography on my site…. i enjoy the visual effects. sometimes i am so inspired by the picture,, that it causes me to feel the emotion behind what i am writing ever so much more,, and that is my sole purpose in using the pictures… much like the kinship many of us feel to music… when you hear a song, and it takes you right back where you were at the point in your life that it had meaning for you…. and if i have led any of you to think anything different, i am at a loss for words…..

so from here on out, where ever possible i will make a notation at the end of each post as to where i found the artwork, as well as the author, if known.

the email continued, and i quote once again in part,

” You hide behind a picture of a person that you claim isn’t you. Then who is it? What might that person think, because it probably is a real person, of you hiding behind her? It’s the same, or maybe worse, than a person who hides behind a photo of what they used to be and cannot accept who they are now. I wouldn’t want anyone to use my picture and imply that it is him or her.”

if i have misled any of you into believing that my avatar is me,, once again,, i fully apologize. i write very raw, and i feel more comfortable not publishing my face on my blog…period… that is my option isnt it?? i call myself paisley for the reasons i stated in the first post i ever made on this blog, you may read it here: not some 60’s hippy chick

in addition i did post that i wanted to use the picture in my blog and profile in this post beauty-paisley

and i did today find the original link i used to download the picture and emailed the owner of this blog, cheaptarts.blogspot.com to see if she owns the photo and in the event she does,,, whether or not she objects to me using it…… so i will let you know how that evolves…..

if i have indeed been doing anything underhanded, i did it out of ignorance…and for my ignorance,, i apologize… when i started writing this,,,, it never occurred to me that anyone would ever read it,,, let alone that there was so much politics involved…. but i am enjoying myself,, and for that reason alone,, i will abide by the rules…

the email continued:

“I like that you are not afraid to write about yourself. This is very difficult and often overlooked. The exception here is that you tend to be your only subject. Even when you are writing about someone else. It is in terms of you.”

whereas,, i agree that i am, and probably always will be, a very selfish,, self-centered,, bitch…. when it comes to my writing i write about that which i know… and the only thing i really know…. is me…for that i do not apologize….

todays art courtesy of circusposterus.com. the artist is kathie olivas…thank you

well, its official… i am all moved in….that is not to say that there isn’t a lot of work to be done here,,, but i feel like i am home… and i want to stay awhile….

thank you for joining me……..

i more or less took the day off from everything today… i went to see ben, and we ran a few errands, and had breakfast… came home, took a nap, fed the animals… and had a cup (translate a 16 oz mug) of coffee….

i just found out micki, at my rearview mirror, has a new blog… loosely woven -it is her walk on the dark side… so i know i will fit right in over there!!!!!!

being a human is quite a task sometimes… and without projecting a feminist image, as i am clearly not a feminist…it seems even harder sometimes being a woman…. especially a….. middle age woman…..

i remember my mom telling me that her forties were her best years… she felt free from some of the constraints of youth,, and yet was still young enough to feel like a woman……

now at this age i am willing to give my mom credit for being right… when she is… but she was clearly never a 45 year old woman….and i know for a fact she was never a 45 year old single woman…

i will concede, that there isn’t as much pressure to be sexy, or always look appetizing… but that in actuality translates into the fact that men, even men our age, or older,,, pay no attention to us what so ever…. it seems to me that the only convenience i have ever been able to see in being married in this life,,, is that you can still get sex over forty… without being present for last call at the corner pub….

there is a saying these days,,, MILF, that translates into: mother i’d like to fuck,,,, if anyone isn’t in the know…. tory amos has a song called that… here in the san francisco bay area, we have a chronicle blogger who calls her column that…..

now what is this??? is it something you have to have kids to understand??? i’m sorry.. i am older than i ever thought i’d be… but i am not dead… i am not fat,, or ugly,, or old,, or wrinkley, or saggy…..i am 45… and as much as it sucks… theres nothing i can do about that…

i am hip in my style and lingo and attitudes….. i know i am not twenty five… but then again i am not looking for attentions from a twenty five year old… thirty five i would definitely do… but twenty five is pushing it….

and in the year, yes i celebrate a year here this week, that i have been living here, i have not had so much as a lunch invitation….. nada,, nunca,, zip……

now lets get this straight… i haven’t seen any one who’s invitation i would be especially delighted to accept… but that never mattered before…

now, i have no real desire to be in a relationship,, and i am,, despite my youthful escapades,, not one who would pursues sex for the point of sex…. but come on…

i think this is especially pronounced in our society, where ogling youth is a world wide past time… we worship it, we cater to it, we will go to all lengths to preserve it… but in the end… we all get older… so why is it i feel as if i have become invisible?????

a couple of days ago, i read a post on necessary skills, about how our perception of our past experiences good and bad, could either be a stepping stone or a stumbling block for us as we create our future…there was a quote that really struck me..

“Live out of your imagination, not your history.”
Stephen Covey

it came at a particularly important time for me, as i was just dawning, on what i choose to believe, may be a stepping stone for me…

the undertaking of this new blog site, is an outward manifestation of that… something that you can see.. can keep track of … can gage, if you will, my progress…..

but, for me,, what is more important, is how i am feeling on the inside…the thoughts running thru my head… the things that i , even in this short time, that i have amazed myself that i could do…..or more accurately, would do….

you see,, i have always been an all or nothing… if i cannot ace something with ease.. chances are i will not try it… if there is a chance i will look foolish, or worse feel foolish,, i will usually refuse to partake… now this sounds especially ridicules coming out of the mouth of some one that will at the drop of a hat jump up on the bar and flash everyone…….but i am,, as you will discover a fragmented mess of contradictions….

i still think of myself in terms of who i have been… mainly because in many ways i ceased to exist more than 10 years ago… i gave up living, and started functioning…. i got clean as they say,, and disassociated myself with everything i had ever known to be my life… at the time it was a necessary change.. i had to get out of the element that i had become way too comfortable in,, or my sense of right and wrong would have continued to reflect that environment…

i thought i would get out of the street, and get a straight job, reconnect with my family, and just automatically,, become a person again….but i guess all those years of living like an animal had made that impossible… the world was not the world i recalled before i fell out of touch with it… people my age were married and had families, their lives had moved on, they grew up…. and i was like,, a 16 year old..

i got scared i guess.. and just retreated into my little world… i ran to new lives in three different states..i have moved 9 times…i could not for the life of me break out of myself,, but,, i also knew,, i had used up 8 of my 9 lives,,, and i would surely die if i went back…i have spent all my time,, between then and now,, causing myself to pay for my history…by hiding from the present..

yet recently, both hollygl and peter mentioned taking baby steps.. doing little things that i can feel comfortable with… entering into things i am not particularly comfortable with,, but not terrified of either… and i decided to give it a try….

i decided to start, with something i can do at my own pace,, in my own way,, and even in the comfort and security of my own home… but i really feel as if i am doing something that is making me feel remarkably alive… i have a reason not to be in bed at 6 pm… i have a reason not to plan my day around what i am gonna have for dinner… i have a reason to get up at 3am,,, and for once it is not insomnia….

i have a vision of me being able to do something i never dreamed i could do, create a web page of my very own.. just a little thing,, as i know most of you have gone before me,, and are probably wondering why this is such a big deal to me…. but to me…it is a step.. large or small it doesn’t matter… i moved.. and that ,,, to me,, that, is a milestone…

i know i am in a way cheating,, by bringing you along for the ride….

yet,, as i have thus far,, dragged you over the rocky parts…and caused you to wade,, with me,, through the mire… it is only fair that i want you to accompany me now….

did any of you see gene wilder in charley and the chocolate factory??? do you remember this song???? it just keeps going thru my head……

Pure Imagination

Come with me and you’ll be
In a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you’ll see
Into your imagination

We’ll begin with a spin
Trav’ling in the world of my creation
What we’ll see will defy
Explanation

{Refrain}
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there’s nothing to it

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you’ll be free
If you truly wish to be

{Refrain}

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you’ll be free
If you truly wish to be

and i do………………

i decided i needed something to really challenge myself… so i decided to buy a domain name.. and set up a whole new page… importing everything from here of course.. and just redirecting this link…

holy hell… it is way more complicated than i thought… i have soooooo much respect for all of you that have gone before me!!!!!!

i am the kind of writer that edits a single post about 50 times before and after i publish it,,, so i am running into a little difficulty, as i have font in two colors….

i am planning on staying here till i get the new one up.. and then moving… by way of a redirected link here….for those of you that saw the earlier post… which i deleted….sorry…….but i am not the web wizard i thought i was….and this may take me awhile……

i am going to be changing all the font here to one color.. so if you see things changing for no apparent reason… its only me………

i should have a regular post tomorrow……

thanks for hanging out……

i was tagged by hollygl, at remedial rumination , to post a blog of yore… something that i have in the archives of my blog that i feel is worthy of bringing out again…

this is the post that i wrote a few days after i found out david was gone….. it is my heart.. as a rule i don’t do meme’s… but i will follow this one as far as this post… i wont be tagging anyone,, but will as always,, leave the door open if anyone of you wants to share something out of your archives with us….please do..

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

“Watch me.”

david and i met in 1985, at a bar called the temple tavern in akron, ohio….i was newly separated, not yet divorced, and looking desperately to fulfill my desire to be “in love” again,, i wanted to ache with desire for someone,, i wanted to have sex that would ring in my ears for days and in so doing,,,,, i believed, become complete.
it was winter, the last week of february, an all out blizzard that night. we talked briefly, and i invited him to come home with me… he said ok,, but he had come with some other people and that had to give them a ride home first… no problem… i went home,, and perched myself in the window so that i could see him, and he would have no trouble finding me when he finally appeared thru the snow…….he never showed…never called… finally, i went to bed alone…

the following monday i went to the temple, this time as a patron, as it was pitcher night,,, your favorite mixed drink served in a pitcher for only $5.00…and happened upon his friend, bob, who i recognized and asked where his friend dave was…….

as convenience would have it, he was at bobs house, so he gave me the number,, i called and went to get david….to make a long story short,,, he did in fact go home with me this time,, and proceeded to show me what was missing in my life,,, the most blatant display of human animal affection i had ever experienced….

i was bitten, i was hooked, i was in love, as i had indeed found a “dick more powerful than myself” as i so aptly described years later..

two days later i came home from work to find out he had moved his stuff in while i was at work… we were one.. david and me,, two lost souls,, no longer lost.. joined by need and desire and not much else… but we proclaimed our love for each other and finally, i felt as if i could be complete…..

so it began,, and our fiery relationship lasted thru numerous moves to florida, jail sentences, violent arguments, separations, infidelities, massive drugs and alcohol…..highs and lows as i had never experienced in my life,,, chaos and desperation that only drew me closer to him,, to my need to make it all ok,, take care of him,, help him….make him love me in the same insane, obsessive, all encompassing way, i loved him….i only ever wanted us to be together, exclusively, to love each other,, to be a forever couple….or”go out in a blaze of glory” as sid vicious of the sex pistols so aptly put it….david and me,, to eternity….

and thru it all … the sex was life giving. he could right any wrong,, be forgiven for any indiscretion, there was no bump or bruise or emotional hurt that he couldn’t fix by laying me down and mending my torn soul with his magic wand…no desperation he couldn’t kiss away,, he was my knight in shining armor….. until the next time….

after what seemed like forever together,, and really only amounted to a little over six years i finally gathered the courage one early morning to stop… to tell david he couldn’t come home…

he had left me a few days before,, taking all of his worldly possessions, his clothes and his stereo…and now at daybreak he had appeared in a friends car, that he had decided to use without permission,,, after sexing the same friends wife… and, well, just generally screwing up the people he chose to leave me for this time….somehow, some way,, from deep inside me i know not where,, i was strong enough to let him go,,, and to go on without him…for once i didn’t chase him down and bring him home, and start the vicious cycle all over again…. instead we parted with me telling him,

“you cant go thru life being nothing but a good fuck.”

and he replied, knowingly, with that little tilt of his head, and that sexy as thou art smile,, “Watch me.”

i saw him one more time,, taking out the trash at some unfamiliar house in downtown fort lauderdale, in those turquoise shorts he only ever wore if there was no clean laundry and every other thing he owned had been worn more than the reasonable amount of times…i didnt stop, i never spoke to him again….

i moved, no forwarding address,,, found other equally drug and violence ridden relationships, without the amazing sex,,, that lasted a few months,,, became a drug addict and all that that, that implies,, and finally awakened to the fact that i didn’t have to live like that…. but all of that is fodder for another post….

last friday, while paging thru the akron beacon journal,, i came across his grandfathers obituary…{ i need to talk to you about “short” and wanda sometime too,, the most grounded loving people i have ever had the privilege to know}…. and as i read the notice, i saw the words…”preceded in death by his grandson, David A. Gardon….”
he had died january 17, 2004, one month shy of his 38th birthday.

i was numb… i still am… my david, my love, my obsession….is gone. it was ok not to be with him, it was ok not to know what he was doing, or how he was,,, as to know would have been too dangerous, too painful. i had many times searched the internet for information about him.. checked the jails,, thought about calling “short” and wanda, just to make sure he was ok… but i never did…i couldn’t resist him then, and it was possible, if the situation presented itself i couldn’t resist him even now…. i found out this week he died of an heroin overdose, he and the girl he was with…found dead, together…..and as shameless and perverted as it might sound… it should have been me… me and david forever… gone out in the blaze of drug fueled glory we so often proclaimed would be ours,,, forever together…… i will always love you, my david… no matter what…..

i have been running away my whole life….

i was thirteen… the first time… i jumped out my bedroom window, knocking over a vase full of “weed flowers” my little sister had picked for me… and left them in a pool of spilled water and broken glass on the bedroom floor….

for some reason, that has always haunted me…..i guess, that’s because it is the only time i can visualize the mess i left behind….

i ran away from a lot of people, places, lifestyles… i ran away to new people, new places, new lifestyles…i hitchhiked, and rode away with strangers, i tagged along, and rode away with friends, i drove away alone,,when i was lucky enough to have a car…

when i made up my mind to go… nothing could stop me…i left with the clothes on my back, many, many, times… because when i reached that point where i knew i was done… and it was time to start again,, somewhere new,, somewhere where no one knows me,,, somewhere i can be somebody else….. i just disappeared….

most of the times i have run away, i never saw any of those people or places again… never looked back…just ran…

i have become an expert rebuilder… i am best when i have to re-establish myself.. when i have to fight for everything… a place to stay,, a job,, a ride,, food to eat,, clothes to wear…. i am at my best when i have nothing,, and i have to start from jump,, and work my way back up…..that has always been the only real time i shine….when i am recreating me,, from the ground up,, somewhere new….

but i am beginning to feel for the first time in my life,,, that i have lost my desire to run.. that i want to stay here,, in my little house,, in my little town,, in my little canyon…

ben, has given me an opportunity, that in my world, is something dreams are made of… i have been given the opportunity to live here,, forever,, for free… in this little house,, on six wooded acres,, for the rest of my life…the opportunity to stay right where i am … to have a place to call my own,, that no one can ever take away from me, or kick me out of, or send me home from….a little corner of the world that i can call my own…

but even that could not contain me if i still had the desire to run…

but i don’t… for the first time in my life, i think i am ready to stop,, and just be me… for the first time,, i genuinely want to be comfortable in my own company.. i want to look at myself in the mirror,,, and know who that is.. i want to know what it feels like,, even if i never achieve happiness,,, to at least know that for once in my life,, i was content to be me…

i have been running a long, long time… thinking i was running from you and you and you… and you know what?

i haven’t… i have been running from me, and me, and me…..

my mother was right….everywhere i go… there i am….just me.. no one else…

i am the only constant i have ever known…i am the only person that has been with me all the times i ran … i am the only one that ended up where ever i ended up…i am the only one that knows where i came from,, how i got here,, where i am going,, and how i plan to get there…

and no matter where i have ended up… no matter where i came from..no matter how i got here..no matter where i am going…or how i plan to get there…the time has come,, for me,, to make peace with me,, or ill just keep running…from me.. to nowhere…

i have run over ten thousand miles… almost all of it,, alone… and even when i’ve gotten lost… i ended up somewhere…and i am somewhere now….

i do have my only true friend, my only real life time companion with me… the only one that really knows me… the only one that has always really been there for me.. the only one that has followed me, no matter where my running has taken us… and somehow,, thru it all,, has never lost the to desire to love me….

because no matter where i go… or don’t go… there i am ……