the following is the second installment of a series that speaks about internal change.. you may navigate the series by beginning with the post entitled the beast and work your way back to this post,, or use the links in the footnote of this installment…
i think it would be helpful if i began this dialogue on change by discussing ‘the beast’ …
Lust and War on Common Ground by *Jeff1966 on deviantART
when i was as a young adult,, i was diagnosed, (read labeled), as sado-masochistic with dissociative tendencies… (and no this is not a sexual preference,, but rather a clinical psychological diagnosis) in laymans terms it simply means,, if you won’t hurt me,, i will hurt myself,, and who or what i may have to destroy in my effort to do so,, is of little or no consequence…
for many years i hid from that diagnosis.. face it,, its ugly.. it was the early 80’s.. everybody and their brother was not already being medicated for some form of mental illness or another,, and i was not about to undergo therapy or take medication that would signify my acceptance of that label..
none the less,, just having those words fed into my psyche at that tender age, cast a pallid shadow over everything i was to become.. the fact that i chose to ignore it made no difference in it’s reality,, as it continued to manifest itself over, and over, and over, in my lifestyle choices..
i repeatedly eliminated anyone that might have had my best interest in mind.. i ‘moved’ nearly a hundred times.. i abandoned my husband and my children without so much as a backward glance.. i took off into a wild world filled with drugs, abusive relationships, and prostitution.. i was the victim of numerous rapes,, and suffered innumerable bouts of homelessness- all as manifestations of my disease,, my way of assuring life would remain one incidence of blunt force trauma after another..
fifteen years ago after a series of events ( which i have previously described in detail in my post entitled flashback) that led to something similar to an epiphany for me,, i left the street life behind.. with it went some of my most readily available weapons,, the drugs,, the prostitution,, the homelessness,, the proximity to incidences of rape and/or random street violence..
however,, ‘the beast’ followed…
over the course of the next thirteen or so years,, ‘the beast’ and i continued to make use of the only real weapon we still had available.. my antisocial behavior.. subsequently,, i alienated myself from my family,, (again,, having been briefly reunited after a twenty year absence).. i sought out numerous objectionable relationships that were sure to fulfill my damage quotient… married men,, alcoholics,, abusers of every echelon…
it was not until the gods found reason to put ben into my life and he,, through nothing short of the kindness of his heart,, saw fit to bring me here, to this little slice of heaven i call my canyon,, that i really became willing to eliminate all the antisocial triggers in my life.. no more quick forays into the world of drugs.. no more drunk and disorderly arrests.. no more men who’s sole purpose in my life was to heighten the ecstasy of my pain…
for the last two years, we have been alone,, ‘the beast’ and i… and together we have decided that at long last,, the groundwork of a workable relationship between the two of us,, has been laid.. the time has come for us,, to not only pinpoint and examine the areas of life in which we are willing to allow change to take place,, but to find a common ground,, on which to do so…
part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices
November 7th, 2008 at 7:58 am
I think you have also been slowly backing the beast into a prison cell by what you’ve done here. You don’t hurt us. You given us great things. And accepted the same in return.
November 7th, 2008 at 8:54 am
your prose is so tense - i love it
November 7th, 2008 at 9:10 am
One of the most moving scenes in To Kill a Mockingbird is the one where Mrs. Dubose knows she’s dying but decides to wean herself from her drug addiction, anyway. To me, that has always signified real courage. You are Mrs. Dubose! I so admire what you are doing.
November 7th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
…I’m listening….
November 7th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
This is an intense post. I’m glad you have as I do, a place to come to terms with the feelings generated by an out of the ordinary life, to say the least. I was intimidated by this post, and almost did not comment. It hits too close . I wish you success in sorting out your feelings and coming to terms with the Beast.
November 7th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I applaud you and the beast. And love love love yourself.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Thank you so much!!! Your complement, like your work, conjures chills of the good kind. This piece is evidence that to every beast there is a beauty. . .
November 7th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I think a change is taking place. The beast better watch his back,
when he least expects it u WILL kick his ass.
November 7th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
My Dear Paisley, and you are dear to me, while I somehow managed to keep the “beast you lived with” from dominating my life I, too, know what it’s like to have been to hell and back, at least enough to understand what you endured. What a remarkable person you are, and always have been in spite of everything.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:04 am
Another seeringly honest post. I have to wonder, though you don’t have to answer, what events created this beast. And I’m so happy you are in a good place, Jodi.
November 8th, 2008 at 3:29 am
I think we all have a beast within! But not all recognise or acknowledge its existence as you have done! Quite a raw experience reading this! I feel you and your beast now respect each other! A healthy, balanced existence!
November 8th, 2008 at 9:57 am
The thing about “the beast”, ’cause I have one too - only now its more like a rogue feral cat, is that the power it has over a person is largely the result of fear. Not trembling in the corner fear. Defensive, lashing out fear. …and when you turn around, and face it head-on, it diminishes dramatically. It may not disappear completely, ever, but it not usually what you believe it to be. Its usually a frightened, rejected, abandoned place in our heart and psyche, that really just needs a little validation. I’m not talking “inner child” here. Its different from that . Not as innocent, but just as vulnerable.
Ben saw in you what you could not see in yourself. He saw the you that we see. The one that brings us here on a regular basis. I think when you stare down that beast from the place of the person you are fast becoming, and the person you always were, but supressed due to idiots labelling you among other things, you’ll be amazed by what you’ll learn and be able to allow into your life. I, for one, can’t wait for the next installment of the evolution of Jodi. xoxo
November 8th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Congratulations. On not giving up, on facing the monster, on change. May you keep caring.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Embrace the Beast! You will see that once you embrace that Beast it will embrace you back! If it does not embrace you back, not to worry, it will leave you alone! You are a strong woman with very heightened insight - do not fear the Beast - I mean, come on . . . you sleep with her every night. Her real intent is to protect you; not harm you. Follow your instincts, release the fears.
Blessings to you dear Jodi! Let’s embrace that beast - I can see you have the courage now!
November 9th, 2008 at 12:32 am
You probably don’t know this, but I really look up to you. You are one of the most courageous people I know. This post is inspiring and empowering. There is a quote I love which really fits here and supports the notion that your writing, your art has helped and will continue to help you tame the beast. It is by the American choreographer Twyla Tharp:
” Art is the only way to run away without leaving home.”
I think (I hope) it fits.
November 9th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
using drugs for me…was just a way to self medicate. For YEARS and YEARS. Until I couldn’t handle them any more. They owned my whole existence.
“The Beast” in my life are the labels: Bi-Polar, Post Traumatic Stress Disorders, OCD & Anxiety.
I have done almost every single thing you mentioned in this post, and yet we have two totally different diagnoises?
Anyway I am struggling with ‘medications’ right now, and feel that I did better in my life ‘un-medicated’….alas, maybe it will just take more time to find the right ‘cocktail’ so that I can be ‘better.’
November 9th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I think you’ve decided to meet the beast face to face and that’s the only way to get to know the beast and understand it. Through understanding, there is a path to the place where you can live in harmony and help each other out. I think you are well along that path!