about
the way i figure it,, i am on my eighth life time.. which means i have one more.. i mean how can we be sure that cats are the only species with nine lives?? i tend to believe,, as i look back,, and as i look forward,, that i too have had nine lives, all along.. and that, more than likely,, is why i am still here today..
who am i you ask?? i am the woman you thought you saw but weren’t sure and couldn’t have identified in a line up.. i am the invisible, overweight, middle age woman,, that has fallen so far off the radar,, that even i have a hell of a time finding me.. i am she that looks in the mirror,, and never she that peers back.. i am alone if not lonely,, and i am, for all rights and purposes,, and much to my own chagrin at times,, still very much alive…
so i am going to take this moment, to declare today the first day of the rest of my life.. and tho i tend to believe it will be no where near as exciting, or impassioned as the first part,, i am alas willing to accept that, if nothing else, it will be mine…
a year or so ago i was asked to make a statement i felt summed up who i am,, and i print it here for you now,, in hopes that by the end of this journey,, i find myself to be someone else all together…
i am…..
…….my only true friend, my life time companion … the only one that really knows me… the only one that has always really been there for me.. the only one that has followed me,,, no matter where it is that i have run… and somehow,, thru it all,, has never lost the to desire to love me….
because no matter where i go… there i am…………
pearls before swine
01-26-08
first leaves, they fell unnoticed
still lush and green and full
the winds grew cooler
the temperature fell
convinced, was i, it was just summers lull
windows soon, were to be closed at night
to keep out the thin cool air
a fire or two was lit in the stove
yet when the sun shone,,
surely summer was still there
twas not until,, the colors came in earnest
the orange yellow and red
glazing the smooth green surfaces
that stark truth, became reality
winter’s white, surely lies just ahead
with the first unforeseen freeze
fate’s final die, it was cast
there was no turning back from here
the winds blew hard,, they scattered
painted leaves,, that had clung their last
now sparse and bare
adorned, in hurtful, bitter, thorns
the vine she stands alone
clinging still, to her dormant life
as summers youth she mourns
i find myself,, that withered vine
unsure how to proceed
knowing at last,
what they spoke was the truth,
youth and beauty will surely recede
entrapped in my own thorns,,
dried withered vine
beauty lost, youth misspent,
cast off in autumns too early dusk
pearls before swine…..
“live fast die young and leave a good looking corpse.” i read in willard motleys novel, knock on any door,, sometime in my early teens,, and for all rights and purposes,, i fully intended to allow that to be my self fulfilling prophesy,,, that is until one day i looked in the mirror,, and the woman that looked back at me,, made it perfectly clear… that the good looking corpse part was no longer a possibility….
i fought,, and i mourned,, and i worked thru a major period of grief,, one that was brought into being by the happenstance discovery of the death of my one true love,, but focused in truth,, more realistically on the me that i was when i was with him,, and how she had undeniably died,, leaving me in the body,, and living the lifestyle of someone “she” would have with no exception found totally unacceptable…
and so it began,, a period of reflection.. of hiding,, of disbelief .. of anger and grief and solitude.. that is,, i cannot say in all honesty behind me,, but has left me here,, on the side of the road,, for at least a moment in order to figure out just where , if anywhere,, it is i am headed…
