“your authentic self..” a fellow blogger and friend, stephanie, used these words in an email to me a couple of days ago and they have stuck with me..
Self Love by ~ArmSock666 on deviantART
it has become clear to me,, after careful consideration, that in order to truly hear the voice of ones authentic self one must learn to differentiate between the voices of reality and fantasy.. i am a fantasizer.. i can paint a beautiful picture of exactly what i wish would happen should i choose to follow a certain path.. i can see the future thru rose colored glasses that do not seem to work in the real world.. i can dream up full scale scenarios of things before they happen and more often than not end up disappointed when the reality does not, no cannot,, meet up with my fantasy..
lately i have been fantasizing that moving “home” will alleviate all the anxiety and fear i am currently working thru.. i fantasize that being close to my friends and family will make me whole,, will fill in the pieces of me that are evidently missing here,, and make me if not happy,, at least contented once again with myself and my life.. i look to being able to love and touch and interact with my loved ones as if it is a magic salve and it will soothe me with a warm coat of love and friendship and belonging that there is no way i will ever find here in my real life.. in my fantasy that place,, those people,, make me whole again…
and it is not as if i have not followed that fantasy before, many times.. in fact it was just that fantasy that brought me 3500 miles to where i am now searching for open arms,, and love,, and friendship that i had convinced myself i had no way of finding in the place or with the people in my real life at that point in time. knowing that causes me to reexamine myself and my motives,, and it is in so doing know that i know i am getting in touch with the voice of my authentic self..
it becomes clear to me that i am once again, looking outside myself for the love and admiration i refuse to show myself,, and i know deep in my heart,, that moving is never the answer.. i have moved so many times,, spent so much time running from place to place trying to find some place,, something,, someone,, that will make me whole again… when the truth of the matter is,, i have never been whole because i continue to look outside myself for what i percieve to be the missing pieces..
if i could not only hear,, but really listen to the voice of my authentic self, i would find that it already knows that it is not this place that is making it impossible for me to feel whole.. it is me… i have proven to myself time and time again,, that no matter where i go,, there i am.. so authentically i know, that merely taking myself to another place,, just one more time,, would not make me any more whole than it ever has in the past..
no matter how many people,, no matter how much love,, no matter how much social interaction a move might add into the scenario of my life,, if i don’t listen to and believe in the voice of my authentic self i will never be whole.. i will never be contented with who, and what, and where i am.. i will never be happy because i will always be reaching out for something, some place, someone to fulfill me,, something that my authentic self knows will never happen..
the time has come for me to realise that every day i am alive i am living my life as it is intended to be lived,, and every moment i spend wishing i was somewhere else takes away from the joy i might be able to find in the life i am currently living.. it is time for me to quit running.. to quit chasing fantasies.. to start listening to the voice of my authentic self and trust her when she says i need only look inside myself.. for it is there,, and there alone that i will find everything i will truly ever need to become whole….
June 24th, 2009 at 11:18 am
“if i don’t listen to and believe in the voice of my authentic self i will never be whole..” That is a VERY powerful sentence.
June 24th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
What a profound observation. You are not alone in doing this. I do it too. Many people I know also do it. Finding your authentic self or self love is really the key to everything. Perhaps that is really what life is all about – the search for the true self. I want you to know that your journey has also allowed me to proceed on my journey. I am very grateful.
June 25th, 2009 at 12:40 am
While it is very “wholesome” to accept your authentic self, it doesn’t hurt to treat this reality to a little romance. I now know that is quite an important ingredient in my authentic self ~ giving and receiving a romantic connection to one very special person.
June 25th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
This is so very absolutely true (she said in a very loud voice.) If we were to move we would find things were not different at all…only the landscape and the weather would have changed. I also loved your observation on Anthony North’s III WW post. I had never thought of a “midlife crisis” being the result of beginning our second life. That is truly food for thought.
b
June 25th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
paisley,
There is nothing for me to say; you’ve said it all.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Yes, a profound observation, indeed. I think you knew this for at least half of the time you’ve been home and off of work. You just hadn’t verbalized it.
Good job!
June 26th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Awww w finally coming into my world………….
Welcome and now FUCK OFF!
June 28th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Fantasies always seem to offer more than reality which can often be banal to the point of absolute boredom! A little reality, a little fantasy and a lot of common sense make a potent cocktail. You’re so smart…