.:hope:. by ~Triodante on deviantART
since last i posted i have made a few decisions in my life that i think will in the end have a positive effect on me,, even if it will take a while to feel the actual benefits..
i have decided that i was not being well served by the psyche drug cocktail that was prescribed for me,, and have taken myself off all medication.. in its stead i have started taking natural supplements that are thought to be advantageous to a woman who is going thru the change of life.. as much as i hate to admit i am old enough to be that woman,, i know that a lot of the mood swings and anxiety i am feeling are directly related to my hormones having gone astray momentarily as i pass thru the doors of menopause.. this aspect of my condition was never addressed and i feel it should be my primary focus as it has become evident i am not mad,, just menopausal..
i spent the day with ed yesterday and came clean with him about how depressed i have really become in the canyon.. he understands completely that the combination of the time off work on disability, the isolation of life here in the canyon, the negative encounters with my health care team,, moo moos period of aggression and the ultimate decision to put her to sleep,, and on top of all of that not being able to put two words together that are unrelated to my current state of mind,,is enough to cause a person to really feel the pressure of life.. he does not feel my depression is unfounded and he does believe that we can work thru this together and see me thru to the other side.. in fact he has taken to calling me just to talk so that i get the opportunity to interact with at least one other human being every day… he supports me in all my decisions and will continue to do so.. and just knowing that makes me feel a lot better in itself..
i talked to him about me needing to “go home” at least for a visit.. so i could see and feel my family and friends back east,, and he is in favor,, it is just a matter of not knowing what i can do with the dogs that holds me back at the present moment from planning a trip.. the bakery where i am working closes from the 21 of december till new years so i would have no work and a window to go home then.. if i can get kylie medication free and inga somewhat tame by then,, him watching the dogs may be a possibility (as i do not believe kylie would survive being kenneled due to her advanced age and temperament).. he also knows i have no money to finance the trip,, but i feel it is essential to my own recovery.. and i just know that he will help get me home if that is what i really need.. he has always had my back monetarily before and i can see no reason why this would be any different..
i am thinking the combination of a beautiful break in the doom and gloom we have had for weather,, me being back to work,, off the psyche drugs and on the herbal supplements as well as having ed to talk honestly to about the state of my mental health is a positive one.. i have the possibility of a trip home looming on the horizon and i think that if i just keep putting one foot in front of the other the door will open and i will be able to make that tirp before i know it..
so alas dear readers i feel as if i might be on the road to recovery and i am hoping that soon i will be able to share with you,, some pieces of creative writing instead of this blow by blow accountng of the drama in my life.. it is my sincere hope that having acted on these decisions and put things into better perspective (sans the medication) i will soon become reaquainted with the muse i once knew and loved… please join me in wishing her a speedy return….
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 am
Paisley, my love, reading your words these past few months only convince me you are one of the saner people of my acquaintance. May your quest be all that it should be for you. I have spent most of my life as a low-level depressive so I am probably more empathetic than you might think. Meanwhile, I absolutely love the mood in me evoked by the picture you posted.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Your muse never disappeared. She was there for all of us to see. Keep heading down the healing road and you’ll come to see her, too.
June 23rd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
‘i am thinking the combination of a beautiful break in the doom and gloom we have had for weather,, me being back to work,, off the psyche drugs and on the herbal supplements as well as having ed to talk honestly to about the state of my mental health is a positive one..”
Yes INDEED~
June 23rd, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Sounds good to me. One note though…try soy for menopause symptoms. Either have soy milk (only need a small amount per day) or soy tablets or eat products with soy protein. It really works. Really. Really.
I’m on the road again. This time to Baltimore with my daughter to find her a place to rent for when she moves there for school next month. I’ll be back home in a week. I’ll try to keep checking in on you on your blog. Take care.
June 24th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Praying for you . . . as you embark on this chapter of challenge.
The change doesn’t last forever, but it can be a real mountain to scale.
Linda
SIMPLY SNICKERS – weekly poetry prompts
June 24th, 2009 at 6:21 am
I’ve always been a soy momma and glided right through menopause…you remind me so much of my own daughter, the stress in her life has always been a challenge for me, but as she ages, she’s coming ’round. She’ll be 41 this summer and has finally realized that life does go on and to make the best of each day. A widow for 2 years now, she realizes there is more to life than sorrow and guilt…there is life!!!
June 24th, 2009 at 10:24 am
really good to read this !! Good luck for all you do
June 24th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I take soy as well and have also found the B vitamins and evening primrose oil to be beneficial. I am thrilled to hear you are off the meds. I always have a very bad reaction to them. One of the hardest things is dealing with the dulling of the senses and the dampening of creativity. Blech. I can see your muse now – she is running towards you….
June 25th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Jodi, you did check to see if there would be any withdrawal symptoms (bad head aches, etc.)? Just a thought?
b
June 28th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Way to go! You always write with your muse – even if you don’t see her, your readers do.