Doctor Visit by =gnaime on deviantART
as weird as it may seem,, having publicly admitted my willingness to accept defeat, has actually pushed me to do something i have spent a handful of years consciously not doing… i actually made an appointment to go speak to the local doctor on monday..
i need to get my bloods done.. it has been nearly ten years since i was diagnosed with hepatitis c.. at that time i checked my liver enzymes,, my viral load,, and had a liver biopsy, and since the results of all of those tests were totally non threatening,,, i promptly walked away from the diagnosis…
in addition to checking on the status of my liver,, i want to do my cholesterol,, my sugar,, check my thyroid function,, and see if there is any way he can tell by the hormone levels in my blood,, if i am actively in the change of life,, or if once again i should just fall back on plain old insanity to explain my mood swings, panic attacks,, and ultimate lack of luster for life…
once i have come clean with him about the little hepatitis thingy,, maybe i will feel better at liberty to attack the subject of my unwillingness to even attempt quitting smoking.. currently, it is my assumption that if i am already sick,, why not allow myself this one simple pleasure?? and believe it or not,, smoking is ultimately the only real pleasure in which i still allow myself to indulge..
i have smoked for 32 years.. smoking has been the best (oft times the only) friend i have ever had.. my cigarettes have followed me everywhere,, loved me when even i couldn’t love myself,, and never, never let me down…. truth be told,, i cannot imagine myself ever quitting..
it has become so much a part of who i am,, that i can literally visualize myself alternating puffs of oxygen with a pull off a cigarette somewhere in the not so distant future- ever so much more than i can picture myself being counted among the ranks of the non smokers in our society..
if the truth be told, the current level of self righteous, elitism that has permeated many of that ilk,, only heightens my desire not to quit.. very frankly, the possibility of being guilty,, even by association, should i decide to be counted among that number,, nauseates me… i want no part of a sector of our society that not only believes they have been handed a license to discriminate,, but proudly displays it like some kind of sick badge of honor..
in a world that cannot even seem to overcome the racial, religious, and/or sexual biases that have been handed down thru the generations like some kind of a diseased birthright,, it just sickens me that there are those among us that would not only allow for,, but purposefully create and continue to nurture,, yet another barrier…
anywhoo…. first things first… maybe if my hepatic panels are benign enough he will give me drugs to help me quit smoking… ahhhhh,,, drugs… oh,, i do like the sound of that……
November 20th, 2008 at 9:44 am
My Dear Paisley, No, I am not going to lecture you on the “evils” of smoking. If your smoking leads to a somewhat earlier demise that might be otherwise, is that too great a price to pay for being your own person, for living your life, your way? Just be prepared—and I know you are—to go out, your way. Perhaps it is best that we are some-thousands-of-miles-apart, friends. I am highly allergic to any amount of tobacco smoke, due, I believe, to too damn mnay years working in dusty barns and chicken houses. I might just as well have smoked because my lungs are gradually giving out.
November 20th, 2008 at 9:45 am
thou art braver than I..I refuse to venture into the labrynth maze of the medical community..If I can’t stop the bleeding after a few hours or there is a bone sticking out.. maybe I will consider it..:)
November 20th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Paisley, you may have guessed, I’m a smoker too. I too cannot even begin to vision myself as a non smoker. I’ve tried the visualization thing . . . but because I find smoking so attractive, it simply does not work for me. I know that it’s ruining my health; I understand the risks - I’ve even quit once. But my love for a good smoke prevents me from really even having a desire to quit; thus, i don’t really try. I love scenes in movies where someone is smoking a cig, in a smoke filled joint, listening to good music - it’s like classic noir to me! Makes me feel sentimental just thinking about it! But, dont’ let me disuade you. I’m really glad you’re taking an active role in your overall health. You will need to stay healthy for better peace of mind and a happier, healthier lifestyle. One day, you will look back at this perhaps and say, “i can’t believe I really loved smoking that much! What a nasty habit I had.” Hopefully, I will too!
So, be strong, strong, strong , and heed the sergeant general’s warnings! Remember everthing we love are not necessarily what’s good for us!
PLL, CordieB.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
cool! you can find out what’s going on, then decide to do something - or not! your choice still! and yes, they can sort the hormones out from bloodwork, and believe me, it may be what’s making you buggy at the moment! good luck!
November 20th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
10 years? TEN YEARS! I am so proud of you! YOU go and let him know it’s been 10 YEARS!!
This is the most important first step to overall health. See what he says then take it one baby step at a time!
I am sending positive thoughts on Monday! xo
November 20th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
paisley,
Good for you! Your courage is the strength that will carry you through. I hope your titers are low.
I smoked for thirty two years (did I already tell you this?). I only wanted to quit for the last 10 of those 32. Even then it took me 10 years to summon the courage to do it. That was 12 years ago and I don’t look back with regret. I too let tobacco be my friend, my best friend. That sneaky little bastard conned me good. I was in pretty bad shape when I found out that that SOB was actually a thief and was just stringing me along so he could stel my breath and my life from me. It was my fault, i admit it. I just didn’t want to see him for the charleton he was. I found the secret was in the wanting to turn my back on that sniffling scum sucking leech on my life. Without wanting to quit, i surrendered my will to this inanimate piece of shit. Oh well, to each his own. I still love ya!
rel
November 20th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I hope your tests go well, Paisley.
November 20th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Paisley,
I wish you well on your visit. I remember when I felt like smoking and writing went hand in hand. I had been more of a social smoker but I go myself to quit after having my daughter. That was the only incentive…my health should have been incentive enough but I quit and will not kick myself in the ass if I should have one in the future. Good luck with that. I know its a tough battle. In addition, thanks for those really nice words! Who knows, maybe “fame” is right around the corner :). And I dont know if that would necessarily be a good thing…
November 21st, 2008 at 2:00 am
I’ve never smoked but I have been with my husband for 20 years and until last year he smoked the entire time. It was a heart attack that made him give up. He got such a fright he gave up smoking straight away. I’m not saying this to scare you into quitting because I believe giving up smoking is entirely the business of the smoker - what I’m saying is that if my hubby can give up, anyone can because he LOVED to smoke. He sometimes misses it but it was such a horrible experience in the cardiac ward for him (he was the youngest there by 20 years and everyone was in a terrible state) that he has vowed not to ever end up there again. I am so glad you have decided to get your health checked. I hope it all goes well.
November 21st, 2008 at 7:59 am
good luck at the doctors…I hope they have good news for you.
I have been smoking for 20+ years, and I cant ever even IMAGINE quitting. Like you said, “often times the only friend i have ever had.. it has become so much a part of who i am”….
November 22nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I’m glad you’re going. Sometimes we have to face life above the ground and out of the hole.
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Perhaps some of your panic attacks could possible be related to adult onset asthma. Pet dander, dust, mites, etc the change of the seasons and smoking (duh) can attribute to the constricting of your blood vessels, air waves and increase your heart rate. Ask about this. Next: Cigarettes are not your friend. Who’s the boss … you or the cigarette? It is a habit. you need something else to do to keep your hands busy. Orange juice helps. Bar straws, chewing on them, puffing on them. Wash your hands and bunch your teeth a lot. You might not want to smell like tobacco ashes.I had my first puff at age nine. By the time I was eleven I was a full fledged smoker. Back then it was considered romantic to smoke … even sexy. Now, it just chokes me. I cold turkey’d seven times. I have been smoke free for 12.170 years. It is easy to quit. Keep the cigarettes and lighter in your bag. Do anything you want with the cigarettes, except light or burn them. By keeping them near, you are consciously choosing not to smoke. You can do it. You are sexy if you do not smoke. A smoker isn’t afraid they cannot quit. They are afraid they actually will quit. Bon Chance.
November 24th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
**Clapping** Your blood panel could be fine and it could be hormonal. We all know smoking is bad, but Dave’s mom was an 83 year old smoker and got pneumonia. She recovered quickly and just decided to quit. No reason, other than it was a pain to go outside. Good genes. lol
November 24th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
good luck with your appointment.
November 27th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
I too am a smoker. I quit for eight months this past year but finally gave into the calling several months ago. I will admit I actually liked not smoking - saving all the money being the number one reason - and maybe someday I will quit again. At this point it is not an issue for me. I hope your doctor’s appointment goes well.