Doctor Visit by =gnaime on deviantART
as weird as it may seem,, having publicly admitted my willingness to accept defeat, has actually pushed me to do something i have spent a handful of years consciously not doing… i actually made an appointment to go speak to the local doctor on monday..
i need to get my bloods done.. it has been nearly ten years since i was diagnosed with hepatitis c.. at that time i checked my liver enzymes,, my viral load,, and had a liver biopsy, and since the results of all of those tests were totally non threatening,,, i promptly walked away from the diagnosis…
in addition to checking on the status of my liver,, i want to do my cholesterol,, my sugar,, check my thyroid function,, and see if there is any way he can tell by the hormone levels in my blood,, if i am actively in the change of life,, or if once again i should just fall back on plain old insanity to explain my mood swings, panic attacks,, and ultimate lack of luster for life…
once i have come clean with him about the little hepatitis thingy,, maybe i will feel better at liberty to attack the subject of my unwillingness to even attempt quitting smoking.. currently, it is my assumption that if i am already sick,, why not allow myself this one simple pleasure?? and believe it or not,, smoking is ultimately the only real pleasure in which i still allow myself to indulge..
i have smoked for 32 years.. smoking has been the best (oft times the only) friend i have ever had.. my cigarettes have followed me everywhere,, loved me when even i couldn’t love myself,, and never, never let me down…. truth be told,, i cannot imagine myself ever quitting..
it has become so much a part of who i am,, that i can literally visualize myself alternating puffs of oxygen with a pull off a cigarette somewhere in the not so distant future- ever so much more than i can picture myself being counted among the ranks of the non smokers in our society..
if the truth be told, the current level of self righteous, elitism that has permeated many of that ilk,, only heightens my desire not to quit.. very frankly, the possibility of being guilty,, even by association, should i decide to be counted among that number,, nauseates me… i want no part of a sector of our society that not only believes they have been handed a license to discriminate,, but proudly displays it like some kind of sick badge of honor..
in a world that cannot even seem to overcome the racial, religious, and/or sexual biases that have been handed down thru the generations like some kind of a diseased birthright,, it just sickens me that there are those among us that would not only allow for,, but purposefully create and continue to nurture,, yet another barrier…
anywhoo…. first things first… maybe if my hepatic panels are benign enough he will give me drugs to help me quit smoking… ahhhhh,,, drugs… oh,, i do like the sound of that……
