the following is the final installment in a series that speaks about internal change.. you may navigate the series by beginning with the post entitled the beast and work your way back to this post,, or use the links in the footnote of this installment…
Pain by ~Racoon-kun on deviantART
after careful consideration,, it has become evident that at this point in time,, i am either unwilling or unable to eliminate my remaining hurtful behaviors, knowing full well they will eventually cause my body to turn on itself, much like that of the caterpillar we spoke of earlier..
i tell myself it is because i am comfortable here.. that it is who i am- who i have always been.. to eliminate those behaviors,, no matter how destructive i may know them to be,, would be to sell off the last essence of self, the only portions of me that i am still familiar with.. those last little pieces of a life that i fought so long and so hard to live…
i fantasize,, that it is because the beast is not yet satiated.. that it continues to be desirous of more.. that it rebukes my every effort to treat, even my human form, in a manner that is consistent with life.. that it takes great pleasure in my becoming increasingly disinterested in anything outside the sphere of my little world.. that it counters any desire i might have to change,, by heightening my obsession with the last few behaviors on which it still sees fit to feed..
but deep inside i know,, it is because the pain is not yet great enough….
part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices
November 17th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Oh ……. You and I really need ta catch up…..
I live in my own little world and enjoy most of all the pleasure of my own company.
Strange how that is aye?
All the things around me are now just vapour trails.
I like my reclusive state crave it and even hunger for it.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:24 am
In essense, all addictions are behaviors that soothe and calm. When you butt right up against the pain, it’s so hard to take steps to let it go. Because letting go of pain is also letting go of the wonderful feeling of having it soothed.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Oh, fucking guilt, huh? It keeps us feeling unworthy; it leaches our sense of self esteem; it’s a goddamned plot to keep us unhappy. Screw that! We deserve whatever life we are making for ourselves! We deserve contentment! We don’t have to pay for pleasure with pain!
November 17th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Perhaps the pain is not sufficient enough . . . indeed that may be the reason. I would think that the immediate gratification is what is keepign you from in constant battle with the beast. It takes a lot of effort to delay gratification, especialy if you’re anything like myself. I would conjure that it’s just not time yet . . . don’t force it, just roll with it Pais. . . .
Something is working inside of you; metamorphosis is working inside of you each minute - can’t you feel it?
November 17th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
True change only comes when we are ready, but whether we guide that readiness or not, I’ve yet to figure out, for I suck at changing or remembering things I intend to do to change even in lesser ways. I’ve seen a few, very few, people change in drastic ways. I can only hope you see the pain is great enough sooner than later, because I, we, want you to lose the freaking pain, even knowing the poetry we so admire, the poetry that pulls feelings out to smack us in the face, could get lost with it.
November 17th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I think what you’re saying is that you won’t make those final changes until the pain forces you to. I’ve had that happen to me, when I was eaten up with panic fear and depression. It got so bad, it could only get better.
November 17th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
The change comes when you are ready for that specific change. Obviously, you’re not ready. Don’t push it or yourself. One step at a time.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
The choice is yours. Obsession of any kind is very powerful especially for many of us poetic messengers.
November 18th, 2008 at 11:46 am
paisley,
I hear ya lady. Wanting to change, knowing you should change and stepping into the abyss are far different things. The want however will become the stronger voice I believe.
When I started smoking tobacco at 18 I knew it was unhealthy but I kidded my self into thinking, 1. I could stop any time, and 2. It really wasn’t bad for ME!
Twenty years later I admitted that I was in error, I was feeling the deterioration of my health directly attributable to smoking. I tried to quit, I wanted to quit. Ten years later I wanted to badly enough and I quit after 32 years on Aug 6th, 1996 at 3 PM– I won.
You will too.
rel
November 18th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
While I was reading this, I kept thinking about how hard it was for me to quit smoking. It was like this last gasp of rebellion…non-conformance. Eventually, the concern of having a stroke and being incapacitated - because I’m still on the pill and over 35 - won out, and I gave up the ghost on the smokes.
When you’re ready, it will happen. There’s no real timetable, and the harder you try to coerce the beast - even when you think you’re being tricky - the more it will resist. Just relax and know that when the time is right, the shift will come.
November 18th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
“to eliminate those behaviors,, no matter how destructive i may know them to be,, would be to sell off the last essence of self”
Um yeah…I think that is also my resistance to chance specific behaviors/personality traits…I kind of LIKE some of them, even if they are ‘bad’ by society’s ideals.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:38 am
That final step is the hardest. It will come in good time. As so many others have said it is often best just to let things unfold. I cling to some of my bad behaviours even though I know I shouldn’t, but I am used to them and in some ways they define me. I am afraid that without them I won’t be me anymore. You have come so far already. Never forget that.
November 19th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
This is a personal choice that our minds trick us into not making. It’s very scary how we can lie to ourselves and stop moving forward. You will do what you must in your own time because you know the truth. HUG