the following is the final installment in a series that speaks about internal change.. you may navigate the series by beginning with the post entitled the beast and work your way back to this post,, or use the links in the footnote of this installment…
Pain by ~Racoon-kun on deviantART
after careful consideration,, it has become evident that at this point in time,, i am either unwilling or unable to eliminate my remaining hurtful behaviors, knowing full well they will eventually cause my body to turn on itself, much like that of the caterpillar we spoke of earlier..
i tell myself it is because i am comfortable here.. that it is who i am- who i have always been.. to eliminate those behaviors,, no matter how destructive i may know them to be,, would be to sell off the last essence of self, the only portions of me that i am still familiar with.. those last little pieces of a life that i fought so long and so hard to live…
i fantasize,, that it is because the beast is not yet satiated.. that it continues to be desirous of more.. that it rebukes my every effort to treat, even my human form, in a manner that is consistent with life.. that it takes great pleasure in my becoming increasingly disinterested in anything outside the sphere of my little world.. that it counters any desire i might have to change,, by heightening my obsession with the last few behaviors on which it still sees fit to feed..
but deep inside i know,, it is because the pain is not yet great enough….
part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices
