the following is the second installment of a series that speaks about internal change.. you may navigate the series by beginning with the post entitled the beast and work your way back to this post,, or use the links in the footnote of this installment…
i think it would be helpful if i began this dialogue on change by discussing ‘the beast’ …
Lust and War on Common Ground by *Jeff1966 on deviantART
when i was as a young adult,, i was diagnosed, (read labeled), as sado-masochistic with dissociative tendencies… (and no this is not a sexual preference,, but rather a clinical psychological diagnosis) in laymans terms it simply means,, if you won’t hurt me,, i will hurt myself,, and who or what i may have to destroy in my effort to do so,, is of little or no consequence…
for many years i hid from that diagnosis.. face it,, its ugly.. it was the early 80’s.. everybody and their brother was not already being medicated for some form of mental illness or another,, and i was not about to undergo therapy or take medication that would signify my acceptance of that label..
none the less,, just having those words fed into my psyche at that tender age, cast a pallid shadow over everything i was to become.. the fact that i chose to ignore it made no difference in it’s reality,, as it continued to manifest itself over, and over, and over, in my lifestyle choices..
i repeatedly eliminated anyone that might have had my best interest in mind.. i ‘moved’ nearly a hundred times.. i abandoned my husband and my children without so much as a backward glance.. i took off into a wild world filled with drugs, abusive relationships, and prostitution.. i was the victim of numerous rapes,, and suffered innumerable bouts of homelessness- all as manifestations of my disease,, my way of assuring life would remain one incidence of blunt force trauma after another..
fifteen years ago after a series of events ( which i have previously described in detail in my post entitled flashback) that led to something similar to an epiphany for me,, i left the street life behind.. with it went some of my most readily available weapons,, the drugs,, the prostitution,, the homelessness,, the proximity to incidences of rape and/or random street violence..
however,, ‘the beast’ followed…
over the course of the next thirteen or so years,, ‘the beast’ and i continued to make use of the only real weapon we still had available.. my antisocial behavior.. subsequently,, i alienated myself from my family,, (again,, having been briefly reunited after a twenty year absence).. i sought out numerous objectionable relationships that were sure to fulfill my damage quotient… married men,, alcoholics,, abusers of every echelon…
it was not until the gods found reason to put ben into my life and he,, through nothing short of the kindness of his heart,, saw fit to bring me here, to this little slice of heaven i call my canyon,, that i really became willing to eliminate all the antisocial triggers in my life.. no more quick forays into the world of drugs.. no more drunk and disorderly arrests.. no more men who’s sole purpose in my life was to heighten the ecstasy of my pain…
for the last two years, we have been alone,, ‘the beast’ and i… and together we have decided that at long last,, the groundwork of a workable relationship between the two of us,, has been laid.. the time has come for us,, to not only pinpoint and examine the areas of life in which we are willing to allow change to take place,, but to find a common ground,, on which to do so…
part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices
