the following is the first installment of a series that speaks about internal change.. you may navigate the series by using the links in the footnote of this installment…
Beauty and the beast by *Anarchpeace on deviantART
i am obsessive.. although i would never have admitted to it then,, i am begining to understand that my penchant for obsession played a major part in my decision to live the majority of my life chemically camouflaged.. it was easier to just call myself an addict and be done with it… the drugs narrowed down the obsession.. they acted as blinders.. as long as i had ‘them on’ i didn’t see anything else.. i didn’t want to see anything else.. nothing else really mattered… even now as i attempt to define the difference between obsession and addiction the lines quickly become too blurred to be able to know for sure on which side i stand…
anywhoo…. as of late,, my obsession centers around the word change.. i know… really original,, huh??
never the less,, the self-obsessed portion of me wants me to force myself to define what change means to me.. explore what i am willing to change, in the event that choice is ever an option.. and innumerate the things that i have in the recent past called upon myself to change,, and have,, as of yet failed miserably at..
they say, change comes from within.. this i know to be true, solely and completely because i have spent an entire life time trying to avoiding it… the majority of my life i have allowed my inability to cope with how something made me feel by employing what i chose to define as change- and more often than not, for me, change took the form of running.. the correct answer to “i don’t like how this makes me feel” became “i’m outta here”…
as i have mentioned in previous posts,, running is no longer an option.. not only am i getting way to old to be recreating myself every time i become dissatisfied with who or where i am,, but i have a ‘cush’ living arrangement,, a built in economically impervious retirement plan,, and as long as i only work three days a week and maintain a poverty level income,, i am eligible for free medical care, without having to apply for government assistance… simply stated i would be an idiot to leave.. i may be a lot of things,, but i am not an idiot..
so today,, when i think in terms of change,, i am want for even an adequate definition.. i know it can no longer mean taking the easy way out.. i have accepted the fact that it can no longer mean removing myself from a situation,, either physically or chemically.. and while in and of itself, that acceptance has pushed me way outside what i have always believed to be my comfort zone,, what scares me the most,, is that this thing called change has begun to take on the features of a beast i have spent an entire lifetime running away from…
and the closer it gets,, and the longer i look at it,, the more the beast has come to resemble- me..
part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices
November 6th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Funny how people seems much more afraid of success than failure….or change so to speak. Thanks for the candor!
Hugs Giggles
November 6th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Perhaps the closer it gets , and the longer you look at it , The beast of which you speak will resemble beauty, which you are.Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your metamorphosis with us.
November 6th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I can totally relate to you and the beast! I’m realizing we have many things in common.
November 6th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
it’s only as big as you make it..the biggest thing is don’t take on the whole enchillada at once..tiny things day to day help…other than that the will to do it is the biggest hurdle
November 6th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
I am going through a similar thing. I think (I hope) the beast I see lurking at my shoulder is the real me trying to break through. At long last. It seems that for years I have been trying to be something I am not - often to please other people or to mask problems.. Finally, the real me is arriving in all her unexpurgated glory. It’s a relief, but also terrifying. Change is good, right? I’ll be coming right along with you for the ride!
November 6th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Hopefully you’ll see past the beast, and find your true goodness. Something tells me you’re very near.
November 6th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Compelling artwork drew me in and your astute and thought-provoking writing kept me glued to your post from beginning to end.
(I’m here from “Jane’s site” via Chris’ poetry site.) You sound like you’re making good choices.
November 8th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Personally, I think that a shift in perspective is what really brings about change - at every level. I could remain in Chicago — even with thes ridiculous winters — and shift my perspective, and my life experience would be completely different. Its maintaining the shift that takes practice. Of course, I’d rather have a shift in perspective AND a shift in venue, but that’s another story. True change, I really believe, is just as simple as altering the way you view things - which is based on your beliefs. What matters to you? What do you want to embrace, reject, embody, experience? It all comes down to answering questions like that, and asking yourself what’s stopping you? …and should whatever that is really wield that kind of power over you? Its an ongoing process, and God knows I’m no expert, but I would recommend trying that shift as a stepping off point. Who knows, it might even be kinda fun!
November 9th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
“i don’t like how this makes me feel” became “i’m outta here”…
I can TOTALLY relate to THAT.
November 9th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Although difficult to obtain, change is worth it. We’re always better off once we’ve come through it. I’ve never been able to run away to obtain change. I’ve always pretty much had to stay behind and get through the crap. In a way, I guess that’s been good.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:58 am
i am obsessive … I am begining to understand that my penchant for obsession played a major part in my decision to live the majority of my life chemically camouflaged … they acted as blinders … i didn’t want to see anything else.
Paisley, I’d like your permission to use the first paragraph of “the beast”, giving you full credit for it, and using it in an essay I’d like to write but in my essay, religion would be the “drug of choice”.
November 11th, 2008 at 6:58 am
i am obsessive … I am begining to understand that my penchant for obsession played a major part in my decision to live the majority of my life chemically camouflaged … they acted as blinders … i didn’t want to see anything else.
Paisley, I’d like your permission to use the first paragraph of “the beast”, giving you full credit for it, and using it in an essay I’d like to write but in my essay, religion would be the “drug of choice”.