the following is the first installment of a series that speaks about internal change.. you may navigate the series by using the links in the footnote of this installment…
Beauty and the beast by *Anarchpeace on deviantART
i am obsessive.. although i would never have admitted to it then,, i am begining to understand that my penchant for obsession played a major part in my decision to live the majority of my life chemically camouflaged.. it was easier to just call myself an addict and be done with it… the drugs narrowed down the obsession.. they acted as blinders.. as long as i had ‘them on’ i didn’t see anything else.. i didn’t want to see anything else.. nothing else really mattered… even now as i attempt to define the difference between obsession and addiction the lines quickly become too blurred to be able to know for sure on which side i stand…
anywhoo…. as of late,, my obsession centers around the word change.. i know… really original,, huh??
never the less,, the self-obsessed portion of me wants me to force myself to define what change means to me.. explore what i am willing to change, in the event that choice is ever an option.. and innumerate the things that i have in the recent past called upon myself to change,, and have,, as of yet failed miserably at..
they say, change comes from within.. this i know to be true, solely and completely because i have spent an entire life time trying to avoiding it… the majority of my life i have allowed my inability to cope with how something made me feel by employing what i chose to define as change- and more often than not, for me, change took the form of running.. the correct answer to “i don’t like how this makes me feel” became “i’m outta here”…
as i have mentioned in previous posts,, running is no longer an option.. not only am i getting way to old to be recreating myself every time i become dissatisfied with who or where i am,, but i have a ‘cush’ living arrangement,, a built in economically impervious retirement plan,, and as long as i only work three days a week and maintain a poverty level income,, i am eligible for free medical care, without having to apply for government assistance… simply stated i would be an idiot to leave.. i may be a lot of things,, but i am not an idiot..
so today,, when i think in terms of change,, i am want for even an adequate definition.. i know it can no longer mean taking the easy way out.. i have accepted the fact that it can no longer mean removing myself from a situation,, either physically or chemically.. and while in and of itself, that acceptance has pushed me way outside what i have always believed to be my comfort zone,, what scares me the most,, is that this thing called change has begun to take on the features of a beast i have spent an entire lifetime running away from…
and the closer it gets,, and the longer i look at it,, the more the beast has come to resemble- me..
part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices
