i have been going thru a period of real inward change the last month or two.. a time of quiet introspection.. a time for the tying up of loose ends… a time in which i have sought to define the rolls of the many characters that have played a part in the story of my life… earlier this week i came upon a post on my friend steve’s blog, a whitesnakes bite can be lethal entitled, demons…. and as i read it,, i knew,, that i was not alone….
Blame Game 3 by ~donnyhood on deviantART
much of my inward dialogue on this subject surrounds a statement of absolution i remember making to my mom many years ago … “you did what you thought was right.. i made my own decisions and i cannot honestly say that had you done everything differently,, it would have influenced my decisions in any way….”
you see,, i have never had a problem with accepting the blame for my own actions as well as the consequences of those actions.. as a survivor,, i am proud of all that i have lived thru, and eager to take the credit, for the triumphs,, as well as the blame, for the portions of it that turned out to be ‘less than fun’…
i have always known,, that in actions,, the blame is never shared.. so i have never blamed my parents, or the men i have chosen to accompany me thru portions of this life, for anything that was not, in all honesty, their fault. namely,, their actions… and by the same token,, i have always been willing to assume the blame for what i did as a result of those actions,, as mine and mine alone… but i realize now that, that in itself,, is not enough..
a year or so ago,, one morning i woke up and said,,, “you know,, what ‘they’ did was not right either… you are not solely to blame.. it does take two to tango…” and from that moment forward,, i have been exercising my right to blame… not so much the finger pointing and the name calling kind of blame,, but as a means of understanding what part the actions of others have played in the choices i have made,, and assessing how my reactions to their actions may have contributed to my often mangled sense of self….
in attributing those perceptions i came away with from say, my childhood, or my tumultuous relationships,, the laying of blame where blame deserves to be laid, has become an important part of the introspective process…. it has not only allowed me to own who i have become,, but to accept the parts that others have played in my definition of me…
today i know,, that i am not simply the culmination of a list of actions.. but rather,, who i am is a direct result of the choices i have made, based on the interactions i have had with everyone that i have ever known… today i realize that had they in fact done everything different,, i would have had to make a whole different set of decisions based on their actions…
and that realization has allowed me to see,, that i don’t have to remain the by-product of all that i have been.. i no longer have to define myself by my own knee jerk reactions to other peoples behaviors.. for the first time in my life i feel as though i am free to recreate myself and to be who ever it is i want to be…
of course,, whether or not i do so,, remains to be seen….
November 1st, 2008 at 8:36 am
I’ve been wondering where you’ve been. Tried google-ing to no avail, and then found your link on Cafe Writing’s blog roll. I’m glad you’re still around. I’ve read your post, and it sounds like you’re coming through some difficult, introspective times. I have lots of thoughts on the subject, but don’t want to enter your process as a stranger, so, just to quote Allen Ginsberg: “Be kind to yourself. You are the only one of many in the universe.” Peace, Richard
PS: I’m only just re-entering the world of prompts, and hope to see you back some time.
November 1st, 2008 at 8:47 am
Its freeing, isn’t it. To come to that place where you accept your part in the responsibility of things, but allow others their part as well. Whether or not they accept it is another matter entirely, but something you no longer need concern yourself with.
November 1st, 2008 at 11:00 am
My only regret is that it has taken so long to realize that same thing…at times the guilt was overwhelming, but you do get over it and an ease takes over…freedom.
November 1st, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Hi Paisley. You have been missed. I wonder what your next incarnation will look like (if you choose to go there)
By the way, that image is incredible.
November 1st, 2008 at 9:11 pm
You will find over these next few months more of the same as I open my wounds on my blog.
Strange aint it how each of us bloggers finds something out what someone else writes. Although I am a smart ass son of a bitch, ta be able to help someone along in their lives is a feel good.
Believe me, you have on a few occasions inspired me. NO I can’t say when or why …That would be telling………Now get back ta posting some more……………BLOODY women!
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:03 am
I think so many of us share your wounds. It took me a long time (years!) to get over my first husband, my first real love, but a philanderer.
At times, I feel my life is a series of tragic dramas and it takes all my inner strength to stay at least half sane! The latest is my partner and I must move out of our rental here by Christmas! That is just as I am trying to wind down school reports and the school year before the silly season! So it’s going to be extra silly this year!
Hang in! It’s quite exciting (behind all the fears) just what life may hold next!
November 2nd, 2008 at 3:43 am
Sometimes in ascribing blame where it should rightly go, options suddenly become more abundant. You were not solely responsible for what happened in your life. No one ever is. I am glad you no longer feel so bound. That is exciting. Wishing you much contentment!
November 2nd, 2008 at 4:54 am
paisley,
The “blame game” is an unending circle with no winners; only losers. It’s all and always about choice. Fortunately we can choose to step out of that circle. That’s when growth can evolve, just as you’re beginning to glimpse. Looking bacward is a technique for decideing to choose what to repeat or to avoid. The past is a lesson plan so-to-speak. But today is the only real chance you get to choose. Thanks for sharing the little bit of you that we’ve come to know!
rel
November 2nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
you are in a very powerful position for your self with an awesome opportunity to grow in ways you probably never imagined. I hope to get where you are someday. I’d love to be that free.
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Time to take it out, inspect it, and then release it. Let it go. You are certainly making strides in the right direction Little One. Keep going for your prize is awaiting you. You are such a beautiful soul and as soon as you let it sink in, you will feel the true glow of understanding. Turn it over to The Universe and live your life.
November 2nd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I enjoyed reading this post. I too have been looking back at my life this year and trying to re create myself. I find the guilt to be the most challenging emotion I’ve had to deal with. The best of luck to you on your journey.
November 3rd, 2008 at 3:45 am
No one lives in a vacuum Paisley. You make your own choices, but they are in some ways defined by the circumstances which surround you. You can’t place all the blame, nor can you shoulder it all. It has to be shared.
It’s good to see you again to my friend.
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:41 am
i have never been able to do anything but accept the blame i contribute to what i do
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:02 am
Every moment gives us the opportunity to change directions; make choices - - and the choices and directions are infinite. I have found that thinking about the next step too often leaves me insane with too many decisions to make. This very blog entry is leaving me feeling insane today. . . though I felt that way before visiting - it has put the icing on the cake. I suppose we think alike at times. The thought of the many possibilities based on the many interactions. . . oh my. Great entry as always Pais. . . very mind boggling if we allow ourselves to become consumed with the choices, interactions, equations. . . . There are times I wish life were really simply a matter of fate; that I didn’t have to make choices which depend on previous choices. . . which will mitigate more choices. But, life is not simply fate, or is it? Peace, Light and Love. . . CordieB.
Peace, Light and Love. . CordieB.
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Exactly! My mom squashed my spirit, I left into the arms of a man that did worse. I was shown by a married man that I deserved so much more. I left everything behind, grabbed my kids and started again. I don’t regret the affair because it saved my spirit. I could have never survived ALS surrounded by these negative people. Thirteen years on my own taught me so much and the rewards were love, forgiveness and acceptance. Good luck on your journey Jodi. HUGS
November 3rd, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Jodi,
Your introspection gets clearer and clearer every time. Well done.
Thank you for stopping by. I hope there is a bit of careless wandering in your life someday. While we seem to lead the perfect life, we too have worldly concerns and worries. Truly, it is not as care free as it would appear. We learned long ago we cannot run away from what is ours. You seem to know that innately already.
Take care,
b
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Wonderful growth! I really like this. I can see myself in a lot of it.
I think it’s good to put blame where it belongs because a lot of us end up putting all the blame on ourselves and blame is never 100 percent in one corner.
November 4th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Once an individual ceases to blame others for his or her mistakes and failures, and uses them to make of her, or himself, a more understanding, forgiving and loving person, the happier that person’s life becomes. I know that because I am one of those people.
November 4th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Some days I think your words should be required reading and though in dribs and drabs much could be learned, it is the progression that is even more amazing.
November 5th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
This is such an open and honest post, Jodi. You see yourself so clearly and that’s a gift.