i have been going thru a period of real inward change the last month or two.. a time of quiet introspection.. a time for the tying up of loose ends… a time in which i have sought to define the rolls of the many characters that have played a part in the story of my life… earlier this week i came upon a post on my friend steve’s blog, a whitesnakes bite can be lethal entitled, demons…. and as i read it,, i knew,, that i was not alone….
Blame Game 3 by ~donnyhood on deviantART
much of my inward dialogue on this subject surrounds a statement of absolution i remember making to my mom many years ago … “you did what you thought was right.. i made my own decisions and i cannot honestly say that had you done everything differently,, it would have influenced my decisions in any way….”
you see,, i have never had a problem with accepting the blame for my own actions as well as the consequences of those actions.. as a survivor,, i am proud of all that i have lived thru, and eager to take the credit, for the triumphs,, as well as the blame, for the portions of it that turned out to be ‘less than fun’…
i have always known,, that in actions,, the blame is never shared.. so i have never blamed my parents, or the men i have chosen to accompany me thru portions of this life, for anything that was not, in all honesty, their fault. namely,, their actions… and by the same token,, i have always been willing to assume the blame for what i did as a result of those actions,, as mine and mine alone… but i realize now that, that in itself,, is not enough..
a year or so ago,, one morning i woke up and said,,, “you know,, what ‘they’ did was not right either… you are not solely to blame.. it does take two to tango…” and from that moment forward,, i have been exercising my right to blame… not so much the finger pointing and the name calling kind of blame,, but as a means of understanding what part the actions of others have played in the choices i have made,, and assessing how my reactions to their actions may have contributed to my often mangled sense of self….
in attributing those perceptions i came away with from say, my childhood, or my tumultuous relationships,, the laying of blame where blame deserves to be laid, has become an important part of the introspective process…. it has not only allowed me to own who i have become,, but to accept the parts that others have played in my definition of me…
today i know,, that i am not simply the culmination of a list of actions.. but rather,, who i am is a direct result of the choices i have made, based on the interactions i have had with everyone that i have ever known… today i realize that had they in fact done everything different,, i would have had to make a whole different set of decisions based on their actions…
and that realization has allowed me to see,, that i don’t have to remain the by-product of all that i have been.. i no longer have to define myself by my own knee jerk reactions to other peoples behaviors.. for the first time in my life i feel as though i am free to recreate myself and to be who ever it is i want to be…
of course,, whether or not i do so,, remains to be seen….
