….why paisley???

Tentative by J.C. Montgomery

tucked away inside my heart
where no one else can see
is everything that i have left
of who i used to be

you cannot tell by looking
you would never know to touch
as this clever veil of aging flesh
only lets you see so much

there’s a metal, dime store necklace
with a freebird on a chain
pieces of knotted leather, i wore
till they rotted off in vain

there’s a notebook full of poetry
from an adolescent age
as filled with dreams, desires, and love
as it is, with anger, hate, and rage

there’s a heart that’s once been broken
a couple of wedding rings
three souls that i gave life to-
but left behind, to find my wings

there are solo footprints in the sand
spiked stilettos on the stroll
there are walls of dope i hid behind
but never enough, to fill the hole

there are seas of faceless strangers
to whom i sold my bitter rind
and the one mans eyes, i let inside
my heart- my soul- my mind

yes, tucked away inside my heart
where no one else can see
is everything that i have left
of a girl who used to be….

not only is the word thanksgiving,, the name of the holiday we will be celebrating today, here in america,, but it can also refer to a short prayer (or grace) that often times proceeds a meal.. so i thought i would honor you with two of my all time favorite dinner blessings,, both guaranteed to get you eating before the mashed potatoes get cold……..

Happy Thanksgiving by alterren on deviantart

“good bread, good meat,
good god, lets eat!”
~author unknown

***

“look out lord,
we’re gonna eat!”
~romey luther in where the lilies bloom
by vera and bill cleaver

and i just couldn’t help but interject a little “get me to the eatin’ part quick” wisdom of my own…..

“butcher killed it
momma fried it
mercy me,
here goes my diet!!!”

***

“mama’s stuffin’, granny’s bird
hurry up, lord, say the word-
amen..”

happy turkey day to you and yours………..

“maybe i am old fashioned,, but as far as i know,, i still taste with my mouth..”

Do the Cool Whip by ~sweetmusichearts on deviantART

i believe that most of us will agree,, at least overtly,,  that bias based on color, religion, sex, or race is unacceptable… the basics of what has come to be known, the world over, as ‘political correctness’ have permeated our manor of speaking,, the etiquette with which we approach any number of social situations,, even influenced the basic values that we feel are our obligation to instill in future generations..

there are those among us that look at such mandates and wonder why they are even necessary.. after all,, aren’t they just the laws of common decency??  would not the benefits, should we as a society choose to adhere to them,, ultimately be, love and respect without boundaries?? and, who among us would be willing to admit that they don’t want that??

well….. it seems as though there is a segment of our populace that has heard the message,, but missed the point, entirely… while they may comply (and oft times demand that you do too!!) with the mandates governing the above mentioned topics,, they have wasted no time creating other outlets for their innate desire to maintain a feeling of superiority over their fellow man…

case in point- people who have decided that their dietary requirements are far superior to yours,, and are not at all afraid to let you know how much better than you, that makes them…

maybe i am just being overly sensitive.. maybe my oversensitivity is heightened by the fact that i work in a food saturated environment.. maybe i am subjected to more “foodie” talk than the average person, i don’t know…. but,, given the current popularity of a commercial  in which one mother tells the other mother she couldn’t possibly have her children’s best interest at heart,,, as she is feeding them a beverage sweetened with high fructose corn syrup- and certainly she “knows what they say about that“…… i am left to believe this phenomenon has entered the mainstream with a vengeance…

yesterday,, a elderly gentleman comes into the store and inquires as to whether or not we carry cool whip.. as i am explaining to him that no we do not carry it,, and letting him know they he could find it in the freezer section of another local shop,, a certain foodie that i work with,, feels compelled to inform him “that cool whip is crap.. it’s made from petroleum,, well not petroleum,,  but… you don’t wanna eat that stuff….” (his exact words..)

this uncalled for confrontation caused the customer to feel as if it was necessary for him to defend his desire to purchase cool whip.. so,, he went on to explain that he had been instructed by his wife,, to get cool whip and not whipped cream,, as their grandchildren wouldn’t eat pumpkin pie without it..  with that,,  the self proclaimed foodie begins a diatribe on the virtues of real whipping cream over the chemical properties of cool whip.. mid rant,,  i graciously inform the customer,, ” i might be old fashioned,, but as far as i know,, i still taste with my mouth,, and i like it.” as i wink sympathetically,, and excuse myself,, i cannot help but feel as if i have dropped the ball……

i felt guilty that i had not come to the customers defense.. the fact is,, i just didn’t know any thing about cool whip except that i like it on pumpkin pie… and unlike my highly superior foodie workmate,, i am unwilling to enter into a debate on a subject i evidently know nothing about..  so,,, as is always my first line of defense,, as soon as i got home  i turned to google… surely,, if there was something diabolically wrong with cool whip,,, google would be my portal to enlightenment….

i was able to find this article in wired magazine,, that gives an in depth description of each of the ingredients found in cool whip,, and while i agree it sounds more like a chemical experiment than a food item,, it did not serve to dissuade me from liking the taste of it on my pumpkin pie,, nor am i at all convinced that ingesting it should be cause for ostracism…

i also came across a pretty interesting experiment one blogger did to demonstrate to his daughter the difference between real-food and fake food. you may want to have a look at the pictorial essay for yourself,, and come to your own conclusion,, but i for one,, was left to wonder what the eye appeal of the real whipping cream might have been, if it too had been subjected to 12 days,, uncovered in a bowl,, as was the cool whip…

but none of this is either here nor there….

i think it goes without saying,, that the underlying element in this whole discussion is not, and never was, cool whip…  it is discrimination.. it is about not forming a basis for prejudice on any level..  it is about respecting another human beings right to make the choices they feel are right for themselves and their families.. it is about understanding that just because you believe something to be ‘right’ for you,, it does not give you a license to confront or belittle someone that has not made that same value judgment on their own- no matter what the topic is…  it is about the duties bestowed upon each of us, as human beings, to uphold the laws of common decency…

because-  damn it,, it’s just the right thing to do..

earlier this week, i had the pleasure of being introduced to an amazing writer by the name of barry graham through an interview he did with scot over on be not inhospitable… scot posted a piece written by barry called  bomb factory which just happens to be a one sentence piece of fiction…. i was so taken by the depth that he was able to reach with just that one sentence,, that i could not help but give it a try myself… and wow,, did i have a blast doing this…

when we were young by ~weeja on deviantART

jesse hung a right, and left off the gas, purposefully slowing as he wound down the faded brown ribbon a what was left a ole ginny combs road, as it laced its way towards the house where he was sure that he and his would live out their days in the shadow of that fine oak tree, where local spun yarn would have it, that ginny herself had spent many a warm summers day, dreaming on an old tire swing, knotted to a low branch, long before life become a ligature, and she found herself a dangling, at the end of her own rope….

Doctor Visit by =gnaime on deviantART

as weird as it may seem,, having publicly admitted my willingness to accept defeat, has actually pushed me to do something i have spent a handful of years consciously not doing… i actually made an appointment to go speak to the local doctor on monday..

i need to get my bloods done.. it has been nearly ten years since i was diagnosed with hepatitis c.. at that time i checked my liver enzymes,, my viral load,, and had a liver biopsy, and since the results of all of those tests were totally non threatening,,, i promptly walked away from the diagnosis…

in addition to checking on the status of my liver,, i want to do my cholesterol,, my sugar,, check my thyroid function,, and see if there is any way he can tell by the hormone levels in my blood,, if i am actively in the change of life,, or if once again i should just fall back on plain old insanity to explain my mood swings, panic attacks,, and ultimate lack of luster for life…

once i have come clean with him about the little hepatitis thingy,, maybe i will feel better at liberty to attack the subject of my unwillingness to even attempt quitting smoking.. currently, it is my assumption that if i am already sick,, why not allow myself this one simple pleasure?? and believe it or not,, smoking is ultimately the only real pleasure in which i still allow myself to indulge..

i have smoked for 32 years.. smoking has been the best (oft times the only) friend i have ever had.. my cigarettes have  followed me everywhere,, loved me when even i couldn’t love myself,, and never, never let me down…. truth be told,, i cannot imagine myself ever quitting..

it has become so much a part of who i am,, that i can literally visualize myself alternating puffs of oxygen with a pull off a cigarette somewhere in the not so distant future- ever so much more than i can picture myself being counted among the ranks of the non smokers in our society..

if the truth be told, the current level of self righteous, elitism that has permeated many of that ilk,, only heightens my desire not to quit..  very frankly,  the possibility of being guilty,, even by association, should i decide to be counted among that number,, nauseates me… i want no part of a sector of our society that not only believes they have been handed a license to discriminate,, but proudly displays it like some kind of sick badge of honor..

in a world that cannot even seem to overcome the racial, religious, and/or sexual biases that have been handed down thru the generations like some kind of a diseased birthright,, it just sickens me that there are those among us that would not only allow for,, but purposefully create and continue to nurture,, yet another barrier…

anywhoo…. first things first… maybe if my hepatic panels are benign enough he will give me drugs to help me quit smoking… ahhhhh,,, drugs… oh,, i do like the sound of that……

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Sir Isaac Newton

church and state by hayaji on deviantart

for those of you that are totally and completely sick and tired of the ongoing discussion surrounding the recent failed propositions that would extend the legal privilege of conjugal equality to all people regardless of sexual persuasion- i just need to say one thing,, and then i promise not to discuss it again…

church and state….

is it just me,, or has everyone,, including those who sponsored the bill,, seemingly missed the point entirely??? correct me if i am wrong,, but a proposition is a legal issue.. it has nothing to do with religion.. a proposition is a precursor to a law,, not a moral statement… it has nothing what so ever to do with where an individuals moral obligation to their god falls… the question here,, is whether or not the the state should grant same sex unions the same legal privileges enjoyed by heterosexual couples.. (since i cannot personally think of any advantages (legal or otherwise) to being married,, i will refrain from listing them for you here…..)

people seem to forget that if they allow the bylaws of the church to infiltrate the civil rights laws,, they are leaving the door open for the state to, in turn,  infiltrate the laws of the church… do you want your federal, state and/or local government infringing on your right to practice your chosen religion?? of course you don’t..

however,, if you allow individual states to nullify the first section of the 14th amendment to the constitution where in it states: “  …. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” (which by the way,, was put into law to secure the rights of former slaves)

-can reneging on the first amendment,, the one that assures each of us the freedom to practice our chosen religion,  be far behind??

as adults we try to inculcate into our children the importance of weighing the consiquences of their actions,, before they act…  as my last statement on this issue,, i would suggest, that in this instance,, we do just that.

there,,, i said it… i feel much better now….

my little kymarina, at 13 weeks….

my big red dog, kymarina,, has always had issues.. i blame them on the fact that she was born in a shelter,, and lived the first 12 weeks of her life in a cage.. a cage in which she was expected to eat, sleep, and shit.. a cage with a door that was evidently slammed on her little puppy tail,, causing it to be scarred and crooked her whole life..

i wonder sometimes,, why even the relatively good life she has had with me for the last 11 years has not been enough to rid her of the emotional scars of those twelve short weeks.. why the fact that she is fed and warm and loved cannot make up for those incidences so long ago that caused her to become scared of everything.. why to this day, she will shy away from even my outstretched hand..

today,  she is scared to death of the vinyl flooring.. (and yes,, i do have old 70’s gold patterned vinyl flooring throughout the entirety of my house,,, but hey,, its mine,, its paid for,, and its gonna stay there till it gives me reason to replace it……) she seems to think she is going to slip on it,, she gets herself so worked up,, that when she finally has the courage to step onto it,, she is in such a panic,, that she does slip,, she does fall,, and it only serves to re-enforce her fear….

this morning, as i moved the throw rugs around,, making a walkway for her to brave the 10 feet between the kitchen area and the bed,, i couldnt help but think about how much she and i have in common..

the following is the final installment in a series that speaks about internal change.. you may navigate the series by beginning with the post entitled the beast and work your way back to this post,, or use the links in the footnote of this installment…

Pain by ~Racoon-kun on deviantART

after careful consideration,, it has become evident that at this point in time,,  i am either unwilling or unable to eliminate my remaining hurtful behaviors, knowing full well they will eventually cause my body to turn on itself, much like that of the caterpillar we spoke of earlier..

i tell myself it is because i am comfortable here.. that it is who i am- who i have always been..  to eliminate those behaviors,, no matter how destructive i may know them to be,, would be to sell off the last essence of self, the only portions of me that i am still familiar with.. those last little pieces of a life that i fought so long and so hard to live…

i fantasize,, that it is because the beast is not yet satiated.. that it continues to be desirous of more.. that it rebukes my every effort to treat, even my human form, in a manner that is consistent with life..  that it takes great pleasure in my becoming increasingly disinterested in anything outside the sphere of my little world..  that it counters any desire i might have to change,, by heightening my obsession with the last few behaviors on which it still sees fit to feed..

but deep inside i know,, it is because the pain is not yet great enough….

part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices

silouette by ~cpt-smith on deviantART

lately i find myself completely without vision.. it is as if a case of adult onset ADD has enshrouded me,, and i am not only unable to break free,, but truth be told,, quit thrilled to be here…

no thoughts- no feelings- no great uprising of emotions… just floating along on a little cloud called ‘nothing really matters’… and at this precise moment in time,, i cannot help but feel,,, all is as it should be…..

be back soon…..

the following is the fourth installment of a series that speaks about internal change.. you may navigate the series by beginning with the post entitled the beast and work your way back to this post,, or use the links in the footnote of this installment…

Voices by *JasonJacenko on deviantART

we all have little voices in our head..  the most audible of those voices is one we commonly refer to as the conscience,, or the voice of reason.. the prevailing role of the conscience,  is to impart ethical (inborn) and/or moral (learned) judgment.. in other words,, the conscience weighs out our thoughts and/or actions not only against our inborn sense of right and wrong,, but also the adaptations that have been made to those basic guidelines based on our own individual life experience..

so in essence, the conscience is made up of a chorus of voices.. a myriad of tiny tongues working together to reflect reason in all its multifaceted glory.. for the most part,, we don’t seem to notice the different tonal quality of those individual voices.. they exist in harmony.. the opposing voices of right and wrong remain unequivocal.. the voice of right reinforced by the proven benefits of partaking in right behaviors, and the voice of wrong regurgitated at appropriate times in order to protect us from making the same mistake twice..

however,, there are times when one or more of those voices develops an inflated sense of self.. it is no longer content to remain in the chorus.. it fancies its self over qualified for such a seemingly menial position.. and much like the christians believe the serpent sought to usurp gods ultimate authority when he suggested to adam and eve that they eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,, this voice will slither its way into ones internal dialogue and seek to disavow the voice of reason as spoken by the conscience,, by infecting it with a flawed logic all its own..

the key word herein being, logic.. this extrinsic voice becomes, an arduous litigator.. it seeks not to disprove the argument of the conscience,, but rather to blind the ‘judge’ with its own malevolent brilliance.. it makes a case so seemingly based on fact,, that even the conscience,, tho it continues to adamantly voice objections,, cannot give adequate cause.. however,, in its closing arguments, this voice always imparts upon the ‘jury’ (which in this case is the individual) but two viable courses of action.. it calls upon its host to either disregard the case of the conscience all together and follow the path that it has so luminously laid out,, or stalemate..

it is indeed arguable that there is a third course of action available.. that one could still opt to side with what ones conscience knows to be right.. that one could drown out this renegade voice,, side with the voice of reason,, and be done with it.. however,, in order for that argument to be valid,, we must first examine,, the path thru which this voice originally entered the consciousness…  and we must understand that once this voice has made it’s presence known,, there are no longer but two voices to be reckoned with.. in fact,, there are three.. the voice of right,, the voice of wrong,, and the voice of the beast..

part 1: the beast
part 2: common ground
part 3: metamorphosis
part 4: voices