the three of us on my parents wedding day, april 6, 1963
yesterday was a very difficult day.. however,, i just got off the phone with the shift nurse in charge of my dads care,, and he said they are beginning to make real progress at emptying the bowel,, and the kidney function seems to be resuming… finally a light at the end of the tunnel… while by no means is he “out of the woods” what needs to happen is happening… and that in itself is a blessing…
last night,, in a desperate maneuver to find out what was going on,, i called the nurses station and had them go see if any one was in the room with my dad.. my mom was there, so i asked to be transferred to her.. although i think i caught her off guard, calling the room,, she allowed me to say hello and i love you to my dad,, who despite being sedated and having tubes in every orifice said “i love you too,, jod…. ” after an eight year silence,, i cannot tell you what it felt like to hear those words…
for those of you that may not have noticed,, i have a way of turning everything around and making it,, all about me.. while this is not an attribute of which i am particularly proud,, i do acknowledge its existence,, and when i catch myself doing it,, i do try and make a conscious effort to step outside myself, and at least be objective, even if i cannot truly see things thru the others perspective..
for the past week or so i have been so blinded by my desire to be there,, to see him,, to be together as a family,, that i failed see that to do so,, would be to blindly do what I needed to do for me.. it was what I could live with.. it was what would make me feel better… but,, it is not what my dad wants..
he doesn’t want us to see him like this.. he is a man’s man. a proud man.. and to see him like this would be to display weakness,, and i know that is not something he has ever allowed himself to do,, especially where his daughters are concerned… somehow,, having heard the sound of his voice,, uncharacteristically weak, and distorted by the tubes and medications,, allowed me to see for the first time, that the reason he doesn’t want us there has nothing to do with us being ‘mad’ or ‘disfellowshipped’ or who, after all this time, is right and who is wrong,, and everything to do with his desire to travel this particular path on his own… the way he sees fit.. in a way he is comfortable with…
i know now,, no matter what we may have allowed to keep us apart,, he does love me… and today,, that is the only part of his recovery i am going to allow to be about me….
October 15th, 2008 at 6:07 am
Your introspection has helped you to forget about yourself and focus on what is best for others! You go girl!
October 15th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Paisley, With all my heart I wish your father a full recovery. “After an eight year’s silence,” . . . those words were the saddest of all. I cannot begin to understand all they involved. Oh, I’ve gone through my years of “hell on earth” but when looking back, I can take comfort in knowing that never, for as long as my parents lived, did I for one moment feel “isolated” from them. As for chastising yourself for “turning everything into your experience”, we all do it. We’re human beings!
October 15th, 2008 at 8:17 am
you are in my prayers.
October 15th, 2008 at 9:54 am
It is about you sweety AND your Father. At times like this, a parent wants to hear from their children, it may never happens again, they recognize how short and forgiving life can be. A few golden words on the phone are sweet medicine for the soul…there are better times ahead.
You’re in my thoughts,
sharon
October 15th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Paisley, eight years is a long time, but……maybe you could think about visiting your mum!, ok I understand that your dad does not want you to see him in this way, but maybe your mum might need to see you, even just for a few minutes or just a hug..
In one of your previous posts about your children, I comment about my situation when I was a child and that I had recently traced my father but he had not wanted to get to know me, the daughter he gave up, and even though I am an adult I can honestly say that I was and am still gutted that I will never get the opotunity to know my father or mother or even get to know what having a father or mother is like, so Paisley all I can say to you is hold on to what you have with all your might, life can deal us some strange cards and we never know what card we will be dealt with next, so take this time now to heal your relationship with your parents, as deep down we all need our mum and dad know matter what age we are, I wish you all the best in this difficult time.
October 15th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I envy your wisdom, your ability to delve beneath the layers…
October 15th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
wow. Um. Okay.
If your FATHER does not want you to see him like that, then YES, you should respect his wishes. But, I thought it was only your MOTHER telling you to stay away…and you HAVE EVERY RIGHT to get YOUR ending/closure/goodbye (when god forbid that horrible day comes). In my NOT SO humble opinion when it comes down to the wire? *You get to be selfish like that.*
Anyway….
I am jumping for joy that you got to speak with your father, and even more so to have HEARD those words after so long.
xxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo
October 15th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
” “
October 15th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I can see that something good has come from your dad’s illness. Sometimes it takes something like that to see things as they are, as they really are.
I’m happy for you.
October 15th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
peace and hugs
October 15th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
paisley - I found myself too self-absorbed in this post to comment intelligently until I wrote and rewrote because I wanted you to know I was thinking about your dad and you in spite of my silence, but my words kept trying to project what my needs would be in your dad’s situation into his head and wanting you to react accordingly. Emotions are powerful.
To say I am happy for you over that short exchange with your dad is a gross understatement. I hope he continues to do better and I am overjoyed you now know.
October 15th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I have a very ill partner and he does not like what he is becoming an angry, unwell man who very rarely wants to leave the house! I have learnt it is best to leave him alone at his worst moments! A very hard thing to do! The last few weeks have been a huge torment for me to say the least, but today he is “opening” a little more on a soft, warm spring day! Right now, I am just slumped with relief. The point is, I am still around, if not right next to him! I am there if he needs me! He likes it that way, and right now is reaching out again for me! Perhaps, your dad may be the same ~ not wanting smothering, but knowing the care and love is there! I would say he does know that after your phonecall!
October 16th, 2008 at 2:39 am
I am glad you were able to speak to your Dad. I am even more glad to know you know he loves you. I hope he makes a complete recovery and that one day in the not too distant future you both get to see each other again. Thinking of you both. XXX
October 16th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I hope your dad has a full recovery. I’m glad you were able to speak to him on the phone. Regrets are always so mind lingering . . .We can never change the past. If I were you I would visit him, even if it’s for self, I’m sure you won’t regret it, and neither will he or your mother.
As always, PLL, CordieB.
October 16th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
You know your dad best Jodi. I’m so glad you called, it was probably not an easy call to make.
HUG
October 16th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I never doubted that he loves you, Jodi. But I am soooo grateful that you were able to express that to each other. Really, no matter what happens now, you’ll have that always. xoxo
October 16th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Little One, Love knows no bounds. It cannot keep one out. I am happy for you sweetheart. Hugs, Theresa
October 18th, 2008 at 5:03 am
I’m so sorry I haven’t responded sooner. I am so behind on reading blogs. Because both my parents are deceased, each being a very different experience and relationship. All I would ever say to any individual in your situation is….”follow your heart!” For each person that means something completely different. This is possibly a pivotal time in your healing process. I hope it all works out for you…which ever way that may be!
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:08 am
That’s great you can make a connection with your dad in spite of the distance of time and space. Sounds like you’re healing something in yourself by doing that.