there is an overwhelming sense of responsibility that accompanies the desire to live..
Crossroads by ryucloud at deviantart
lately it has occurred to me,, that if i ever do decide to take an active part in my own life,, it will be necessary for me to venture out of my comfort zone into areas of life which, until recently, i have seen fit to ignore even in theory…..
as you know,, i am quite centered on my desire to heal and grow emotionally.. in fact,, i have put what might even be called an unhealthy amount of time and effort into delving into myself,, getting to know myself,, and understanding who exactly it is i have become.. and why…
that fascination has not however, extended to my physical being.. i am begining to understand,, that no matter how healthy i am psychologically,, emotionally,, or spiritually,, it will all be to no avail if i do not do what i know i need to do for myself physically… i mean,, wouldn’t it be ironic if i were to finally attain true inner peace,, decide that life is all sunshine and roses,, regain a lust for living,, finally find myself willing to play an active part in my own life,,, only to find out my physical body is falling apart???
in the past year or so i have suffered a serious bout of bronchitis,, a painful back injury,, and abscessed tooth,, and in general,, a sense of malaise.. now i have never gotten old before,, so i cannot say this is not all just a part of the natural aging process,, but i do know that i have put zero effort into maintaining my physical health…
i also know that i was diagnosed with chronic hepatitis c in 2000.. at that time i was informed that i have been exposed to hepatitis b as well, and although i do not carry that virus,, having been exposed to it further compromises my liver.. soon after my diagnosis, however,, my viral load was minimal,, i had a liver biopsy,, everything was seemingly fine,, so i just blew it off.. i never went back to the doctor.. i never sought treatment.. since i rarely drink alcohol and haven’t actively done drugs in many years,, i did not see fit to alter my lifestyle in any way,, i just kind of put it in the back of my head and told myself it didn’t really matter,, as i really wasn’t all that attached to living anyway….
so i guess that today, i find myself at a crossroads of sorts… do i continue to turn a blind eye and just hope for the best?? do i do my bloods and at least find out where i am in the spectrum of things?? if i find out it is warranted,, do i engage in a form of treatment that might or might not irradiate the virus, knowing full well i have no insurance and no means of payment for said treatment??? and if i should choose to do so,, would putting myself behind the financial eight ball so to speak be any healthier, in the long run, than just ignoring the problem to begin with?? does actively seeking spiritual and or emotional growth while totally ignoring the physical body seem to you as hypocritical as it seems to me?? i guess if i knew the answers to these questions i wouldn’t be posing them would i??
i dont even know why i am throwing all of this out there.. i do know,, that even though i am not ready to make a concrete decision,, a year or so ago i was content to exist,, simply because my body refused to cease functioning… so i guess in its own weird way,, even thinking about weighing out the options is a good thing….
September 16th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Health issues can become very self-absorbing I feel. Speaking only for me, no matter what, I cannot live a life with a medicine cabinet fueled by regular visits to a doctor. I just can’t. I go to the doctor usually just for medical certificates to cover an absence from work. That is about the only thing that drives me there. Sometimes, other queries may be raised in the process. That’s fine. Just so long as I am aware of where I am physically. Where possible, I try to use natural remedies. I had a severe bout of bronchial pneumonia earlier this year and basically collapsed. The doctor prescribed heavy doasges of pills which succeeded in making me more nauseous which, in turn, required further pills. Finally, I stopped the silly merry-go-round and had honey and lemon drinks, slowly built up a walking regime and took Horseradish and Garlic supplements. The improvement was remarkable. My advice then? Do what you feel you need to do!
September 16th, 2008 at 7:49 am
by doing a bit of diligence, going to the doc, doing the bloodwork, etc. you can get a ‘baseline’, and at least know what you are facing. doesn’t mean that you have to adopt the “pill-to-pill” response, become wrapped into the circus that is the US Healthcare system. You may still choose to do nothing, or adopt a minimalist ‘better health’ plan with modifications in diet, exercise and spiritual health habits… good luck!
September 16th, 2008 at 8:01 am
You raise some very important questions. I’ve always been something of a health nut and hate medications but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet.
Just the fact that you are thinking about it, shows that you are beginning to care about your physical health. If you did need a treatment, couldn’t you just pay whatever you could afford monthly and there isn’t anything they could do as long as you show good faith?
My brother went through the hep C interferon treatment for 6 months. It was hell but now he’s doing fine.
I’ll be interested in what you decide!
September 16th, 2008 at 8:11 am
As a retired RN, you raise interesting questions about Western medicine. I, too, have trouble “venturing out of my comfort zone” – it’s a big step trusting someone out of your immediate range. Hopefully, you will be lead to do what is right for your circumstance.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Just to say that, as I’m sure you know, the state of your body does deeply influence the state of your mind. I know you’re talking about treatments for a medical condition, but I do think that simply looking after your physical fitness and diet can really help to support your internal journey as well.
Being good to yourself physically is an excellent practice of valuing and nurturing yourself – and compared to the mental stuff, it’s normally fairly straightforward to work out what needs to be done, simple to do it and shows results quite quickly.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:18 am
Believe it or not I only see a ddoc if I’m dying. LOL Seriously, only if sick. I’m drug sensitive and listen to my body. Can you get on Medical? It covered me as a single mom really well. I’d get the blood test at the very least.
I often wonder how hard I would have fought if I did not have kids back then. I’m so glad they shoved me down my path. It changed me into a better me. I loved reading the forward thinking in this post. I’d love to give you a shove but this is a choice you must make.
HUGS
September 16th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I have an idea I’m more than just a few years older than the previous commentators, so naturally, I think I know a thing or two. For the past several years I have drank moderately, all but given up sweets and limit my fat intake to far less than the recommended forty grams per day. It pays. As a teen, I was often complimented on my good-looking legs. Just this morning, before getting out of bed I brought both legs ceiling-ward. With my thumb and forefinger, I encircled the area just above one knee. They overlapped almost half an inch. “Not bad,” I said to Musette, my long-haired grey beauty of a cat sitting close by. Healthwise? I’m no longer getting old, I am old, so if things are beginning to go wrong? Gotta happen sometime.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I think you should do whatever you think you need to do. Fly fearlessly into new experiences, whether that experience is in the form of a blood test or alternative therapy…or something altogether different. The universe will hold you.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
I realize that my emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing are all tied together, in one bundle. One always affects the other. And I am just now beginning to give my physical wellbeing a little more thought than I ever have, as I am not getting any younger, I’m afraid. At least, I know that whenever I’m down physically, I am down in every other way imaginable. I know that for a fact. But I guess we all kind of individually figure out, what’s best for us, eventually. Just be good to yourself.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Paisley,
You know me, I hate to pass out unsolicited advice. So, I am overjoyed to hear that your are taking an interest in your life; emotional and physical (he says with a huge smile on his face.)
I’m guessing that I’m the oldest commenter on your blog. I’ve spent my entire career from age 17 on in the healthcare field. Doctor visits for me are a choice of last resort. I have this underlying belief that they feel like failures if they fail to find something wrong with you. On the other hand, if there is actually something wrong with the soma it is fool hardy to ignore it and hope for the best.
My brother has hep-c. He lived the Jodi live style for more years than you did. He had no insurance, he did seek medical intervention and completed the interferon therapy in it’s entirety and lowered his titer to normal levels. He gave up alchol, drugs and cigarettes. He is an active participant in his life and happy with the changes he has made.
Hep-c doesn’t usually disappear; periodic tabs on the titer is sensible.
While it can be a cause for malaise there are other reasons that can begin at or around your age, such has low levels of thyroid hormone. This is easily treated.
Let us know what you decide.
rel
September 16th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
it is a good thing at least your thinking about it..I find I am doing more and more on the healthy front..this is from one who lived on truck stop food for years..:))..and you know I do feel better
September 16th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
That’s a wise reflection you have posted here,and you ask good questions. I vote for taking care of your health in any little way you can.
Of course, I’m all about the body/mind connection. Yoga has been my path toward feeling peace, at least some of the time.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
These same thoughts have been running, racing through my head this year. Okay, I don’t have any answers. I’ve filled up, and erased, two of these darling comment forms and still don’t have an answer. Grin. I seem to have misplaced my ‘living’ manual and have a list of questions that stretch over the horizon on any given day. And I usually find that no matter what I choose, the other road was probably the one that… Good luck as you feel your way through this issue – it’s a thorny one.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I do think there is a mind/body spirit connection and I am terribly guilty of neglecting the body part. I have a chronic illness which is monitored best through a careful diet and exercise regime but because I also suffer from at times, severe depression, I often say to myself :’I just don’t care’ and I will often live for weeks on total rubbish food. It’s a shocking attitude and I am angry at myself for behaving that way. If I follow the diet which basically means eating regularly and getting plenty of iron and protein in my diet, I actually manage to avoid the merry-go-round of doctor’s visits and blood tests. I am very lucky in that I am not overweight, I don’t have diabetes or cancer, yet I continue to neglect myself. When the little black dog is barking at my heels I think:’It doesn’t matter anyway, life totally sucks’ but then I will hear birdsong in the morning or laugh at one of my son’s crazy stories and realise I want to stay around for a bit longer. So I am getting back into yoga and pilates (I highly recommend both), eating lots of vegetables and fruits and going for a daily walk. And hopefully, this will stave off monthly visits to the doctor ten years from now. It’s good news that you want to look after yourself physically now. I am really glad. Wishing you all the best with whatever you decide to do.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Take the treatment Jodi. Perhaps get a different job that offers health care and a prescription medicine co-pay plan. Take care of your self in a total way.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:46 am
in this case take the one more traveled
September 17th, 2008 at 3:46 am
I’ve just returned to blogging after a three month’s break and knew I could rely on you to have something interesting to say. I’m someone who avoids doctors like the plague and only visit one if I really have to. I was annoyed when an optician referred me to a specialist, but I will go to the hospital to have digital photos of the disks at the back of my eyes, so they can monitor whether or not they are deteriorating. My sight is so precious. I think we have to take care of body, mind and the emotions (spirit or soul for those with a religious belief), so I do think you need to take care. I appreciate that it’s more difficult in your country as you don’t have a National Health Service like we do. Perhaps what Bobby suggests is the way to go?
September 17th, 2008 at 4:59 am
” it will be necessary for me to venture out of my comfort zone into areas of life which, until recently, i have seen fit to ignore even in theory…..” So true about myself too. Your physical health is very important; but of course, your mental health determines your physical health in many, many ways. A doctor once told me that we all are born with cancer cells, however, depression, anxiety, etc. awakens these cancer cells when the mind goes amuck! The fact that you ignored your physical self says to me that Paisley somewhere in the back of her mind did not love Paisley. The fact that you are beginnng to think about your physical self now says to me that you are beginning to really love yourself, and in a healthy way. Although you often refer to yourself as a me, me, me person, you are just recently begining to actually love the me in self. Somewhere deep inside that genious brain of yours, you could not break the cycle of self hatred; but I believe you are now begining to tap into that part that is oh so hard to reach – some never do – and begin to really love self. As you evolve in this arena, you will have the capacity to really love others as well. I am delighted that you are beginning to have a healthy relationship with yourself. I hope this marriage last’s until death due you part! Peace, Light and Love . . . as always, CordieB.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:17 am
I think you should find out how you are doing…I feel we should always take advantages our modern medical science provides..and may be if it can help us, why not make use of it?
September 17th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I totally get what you’re saying about it being a promising development that the state of your physical health actually matters to you now. I, for one, am ecstatic. I agree with rel that it would be a good idea to have all of your levels checked. I know that w/out insurance its costly, but you can set up payment plans with certain physicians/hospitals.
Other than the testing, why don’t you take your dogs for a hike every other day or so – if you don’t already. Its amazing how far a little cardio goes in the grand scheme of healthy things. …plus if its a hike that involves any kind of an incline, your working your all-important musculature as well – which also matters as we age.
Can you tell I’m excited for you?
September 19th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Without good health nothing else is going to be of much value in our lives, at least not for the long haul. I have been very ill in the past, all stress related and the almost 2 years that I spent basically able to do nothing but sleep and watch TV due to my nervous system completely giving out, really changed my prospective of how important it is to be vigilant in protecting my health for the future.
I have very little faith in the conventional medical practises that so many people still follow so blindly and without question. We all need to take responsibility for our own well being and make informed decisions that are best for each of us. There is no ‘cookie cutter’ answers when it comes to being healthy. But it is worth the effort Paisley and it is something that needs to be a priority. In the blink of an eye, life can change in the worst possible way, when someone ignores the needs of their bodies to be as whole and functioning as they should be. Good health isn’t that difficult but it does take a conscious effort to be attained and maintained. Good luck with your quest Paisley. IT IS SO WORTH IT! G
September 20th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
I wrote paragraphs here (and deleted) to get to this: Think of it like this, perhaps, paisley. When we are tired or exhausted, many of us become quite irritable or otherwise not so pleasant. If just being tired can do that to us, what can ignoring our health in larger ways do to our emotional well being?
You have more drive than I, I will be a bit jealous watching you succeed at doing what needs to be done, but excited for you more!