there is an overwhelming sense of responsibility that accompanies the desire to live..
Crossroads by ryucloud at deviantart
lately it has occurred to me,, that if i ever do decide to take an active part in my own life,, it will be necessary for me to venture out of my comfort zone into areas of life which, until recently, i have seen fit to ignore even in theory…..
as you know,, i am quite centered on my desire to heal and grow emotionally.. in fact,, i have put what might even be called an unhealthy amount of time and effort into delving into myself,, getting to know myself,, and understanding who exactly it is i have become.. and why…
that fascination has not however, extended to my physical being.. i am begining to understand,, that no matter how healthy i am psychologically,, emotionally,, or spiritually,, it will all be to no avail if i do not do what i know i need to do for myself physically… i mean,, wouldn’t it be ironic if i were to finally attain true inner peace,, decide that life is all sunshine and roses,, regain a lust for living,, finally find myself willing to play an active part in my own life,,, only to find out my physical body is falling apart???
in the past year or so i have suffered a serious bout of bronchitis,, a painful back injury,, and abscessed tooth,, and in general,, a sense of malaise.. now i have never gotten old before,, so i cannot say this is not all just a part of the natural aging process,, but i do know that i have put zero effort into maintaining my physical health…
i also know that i was diagnosed with chronic hepatitis c in 2000.. at that time i was informed that i have been exposed to hepatitis b as well, and although i do not carry that virus,, having been exposed to it further compromises my liver.. soon after my diagnosis, however,, my viral load was minimal,, i had a liver biopsy,, everything was seemingly fine,, so i just blew it off.. i never went back to the doctor.. i never sought treatment.. since i rarely drink alcohol and haven’t actively done drugs in many years,, i did not see fit to alter my lifestyle in any way,, i just kind of put it in the back of my head and told myself it didn’t really matter,, as i really wasn’t all that attached to living anyway….
so i guess that today, i find myself at a crossroads of sorts… do i continue to turn a blind eye and just hope for the best?? do i do my bloods and at least find out where i am in the spectrum of things?? if i find out it is warranted,, do i engage in a form of treatment that might or might not irradiate the virus, knowing full well i have no insurance and no means of payment for said treatment??? and if i should choose to do so,, would putting myself behind the financial eight ball so to speak be any healthier, in the long run, than just ignoring the problem to begin with?? does actively seeking spiritual and or emotional growth while totally ignoring the physical body seem to you as hypocritical as it seems to me?? i guess if i knew the answers to these questions i wouldn’t be posing them would i??
i dont even know why i am throwing all of this out there.. i do know,, that even though i am not ready to make a concrete decision,, a year or so ago i was content to exist,, simply because my body refused to cease functioning… so i guess in its own weird way,, even thinking about weighing out the options is a good thing….
