strange isn’t it,, how it is when you least expect it,,, life’s little profundities will make themselves available to you?? why just this morning,, as i opened the front cover of a book, written by sue monk kidd, called the mermaids chair,, a line in the second paragraph of the prologue hit so close to home, it literally took my breath away…
‘they say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.’
bleed like me by *kidchan on deviantART
due to the expository essence that i employ in the majority of my writing,, it should come as no surprise, that i have attracted quite a number of readers who, much like me, find themselves actively waging war with their own inner demons.. people who are trying desperately to collect up all the little fragments of their being and create something,, while not quite whole,, perhaps,, not so devastatingly broken either…
after all,, as human beings, we are pack animals.. our level of intelligence separates us in some ways from our animal counterparts in that it allows us to rise above the pack into which we are born,, and use our ability to reason in seeking out a ‘like pack’.. more often than not, we seek out one that mirrors who we see ourselves to be,, or who we dream that someday,, we might become..
in my case,, and i would venture to say in the case of many of those that find themselves drawn to the confessional quality of my writing,, it is not uncommon that we seek out those that we percieve as being sufficiently more broken than we are. doing so not only allows us to feel as if there is a segment of society into which we truly fit,, but it creates (if only) the illusion,, that there are those that are worse off than we are..
and sometimes,, when we find ourselves standing toe to toe with someone we believe has strayed just a little further,, has delved just a little bit deeper,, has emerged just a little bit dirtier,, we are able to see ourselves in a just enough of a different light,, that it can give us the courage we thought we would never have to begin the process of forgiving ourselves,, and moving on…
in much the same way that stepping onto the scale only to find out that you have, lost five of those pounds you have been telling yourself forever you could not loose,, will often spur you into embracing a healthier eating regiment in order to maintain the desired downward spiral in your physical weight,, sometimes that sliver of superiority that we see in ourselves as we stand in the shadow of someone that we feel is just that much more errant than we are,, can empower us to discard some of the emotional baggage we have been carrying around with us.. to shed the dirty little pieces of ourselves that we know are prohibiting us from moving on,, and yet have not been able to summon the strength to leave behind..
back in july of last year,, i wrote a post called bleed.. i wrote the post as a call to action for those of you that read me in an effort to alleviate the guilt based pain you are feeling.. for those of you that see in me,, something just that much more grotesque, than that which you see in yourself.. for those of you that look to me,, to provide the shadow from which you might emerge with that sliver of salvation..
i did so at the time out of selfishness,, as i was still grasping at straws,, still seeking my own salvation,, still trying to force into some semblance of order,, all that i have been,, still striving to find somewhere that i belonged,, still searching for the shadow from which i could emerge with a splinter of superiority… i did so because i needed you,, just as much as i felt you needed me..
it was not until this morning,,, as i read those words so poignantly penned by sue monk kid,, ‘they say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.’ that i realized it has always been for me that i bleed.. for me that i have poured myself onto the page.. for me that i have remained unashamed as i stood here before you bare, and broken.. for me.. for me.. for me..
and while i would never begrudge anyone of you the opportunity to see in me,, that which only by the grace of god, you yourself have not become,, i know now,, that the only one that can ever truly emerge from the shadow of the depths of my soul,, is me.
