Waiting for the Miracle by ~luana on deviantART
i have been thinking, over the course of the last week or so, about all the times in my life i have felt that, “there has to be a reason i am still alive.. there has to be a reason i was spared.. i must be destined for something great,, as it is a miracle that i am still here….”
thoughts of this kind have been prevalent, of late,, as in the process of doing some research for a fiction piece i am working on,, i have come across many life stories quite similar to mine.. those who, like myself, ‘made it’.. i have found that i am not alone in feeling like there must be a reason i was saved.. many have turned to god as they came to the conclusion, that ‘he’ was the reason they were saved.. many turned to counseling, feeling that they had to share the special wisdom they evidently possessed.. still others turned their experiences into art or literature as a means of spreading the word,, and in so doing,, feel that they are fulfilling their grandiose purpose here on this earth….
however,, intermingled in the stories of those that made it,, were the stories of those that did not.. and it was while i was reading their stories,, that i realized,, i was not spared.. i was not saved.. i am not destined for greatness, any more than those persons, who didn’t ‘make it’..
i couldn’t help but wonder,, who the hell i think i am,, to believe that my life has greater meaning because i lived,, than the life of someone, just like me,, that didn’t?? after all,, really believing that there was a reason i was spared,, would in essence be saying that i believed there was a reason they were not.. i would have to acknowledge that they were evidently not as special as me.. they could not possibly have been as valuable as me.. that their life served less purpose than mine. i would have to believe, that i was in fact better than them.. and there is no way i could live with myself if i truly believed that…
i cannot tell you the burden that was lifted off me when the reality of that realization set in… i don’t have to try and be someone,, or something worthy of being saved.. i don’t have to aspire to greatness,, or spend my whole life searching for the reason,, (as surely there must be a reason) that i was spared.. i don’t have to spread the word,, or feel that i have been instrumental in the saving of even one life.. i don’t have to leave behind a legacy of literary greatness,, in order to prove that i was special,, that i was worthy of being saved,, when so many others, just like me,, died…
hey,, i just got lucky…
