inner beauty by ~lordacidburn on deviantART
i would like to begin by letting you know that i cherish each and every comment leave for me,, and hope you understand that just because i do not enter into a discourse by posting my response to those comments on my blog, that it does not mean i do not take to heart each and every one… in fact,, sometimes i feel compelled to broach a subject based solely on the weight of the comments you have left.. such is the case today..
it was brought to my attention by some of the comments left on my post “doing for others” yesterday,, that some of you feel i need to “stop being so hard on myself”…. it bothered me very much, that i had given you that impression.. so i spent all day yesterday allowing that notion to percolate in the deepest resources of my overly analytical brain., and the end result of my monologue with myself has left me convinced that, to me,, owning who i am, just doesn’t feel like being hard on myself..
and here is why…
as i have stated numerous times, i never believed i would live this long.. no way.. i fully subscribed to the notion that i had indeed signed on for the “live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse” short term plan.. and while i am willing to admit that i believed the theory behind the words “beauty is only skin deep” and “true beauty comes from within” it never occurred to me,, that they were talking to me…
a year or so ago,, when i looked into the mirror and no longer recognized the woman looking back at me,, it had become obvious for the first time in my whole life,, that i may be approaching the time in my life where some inner beauty might begin to come in handy.. with that realization came the desire to seek deeper than the outward culmination of all that i have been,, as what i had been,, was no longer an accurate measure of my being..
in order to do so,, i had to not only own all that i had been,, but i had to come to the understanding that no one outside of myself is responsible for my actions.. where as i have never been one to deny the parts i have played,, i must admit,, that until very recently,, it was ever too easy to accept the action,, while laying the motivation for said action elsewhere.. i am just now beginning to realize that such a way of thinking has all but alleviated the need for inner beauty..
you see up until recently,, i truly believed,, that if i could prove that i was sufficiently broken,, you could not expect me to be beautiful too…
so what you may see as me being too hard on myself,, is really just me coming to terms with the fact that i,, and i alone,, own my actions.. in owning them outright,, i free myself of all the anger that i have harbored against those that i felt forced my hand.. i can forgive all the people that i have blamed for my charactor flaws all these years.. and in so doing,, i am hoping i can free up a little place in my heart,, in which i might be able to accumulate some of that inner beauty i have heard tell of… as i realize now,, that i am,, like it or not,, evidently in this for the long haul,,, and yeah,, they were talking to me….
August 25th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I did not think for one second that you were being hard on yourself. In fact I thought you were embracing and LOVING who you are with or without whatever people (including ourselves) perceive to be character flaws.
I think you are one of the most beautiful people Ive come to know.
August 25th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
oh…..and quite frankly, you made me feel like its OKAY to be who i am too.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
yep u are too kind to be so hard on yourself
August 25th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
have I ever said I feel that way Pais? I don’t think I have. I feel you are remorseful and painfully (to you) honest.
I know you have inner beauty, it comes through in your comments to ME and in your poetry.
xo
August 26th, 2008 at 12:56 am
This reflection shimmers with beauty. If you want proof of your inner beauty and the soft way it is blossoming, maybe read again what you have written! This is the beauty of the soul in pure, honest action!
August 26th, 2008 at 2:58 am
paisley,
You’ve alwas been a sensitive soul. The self created protective outer shell is beginning to open and the beauty within is blooming.
rel
August 26th, 2008 at 3:49 am
Just hang on for the ride girl, cause when you reach the age of the crone, your life will explode and you will never look back. It is an age of knowledge accumulated over time and the awareness you already have in your spirit will allow you to grow and bloom into the wonderful caring person that you are and will always be. You didn’t happen by chance and the trick is to find the answers that were always there, you know them, you just have to set them free. That is what I love about you, the searching and the yearning…you are beautiful.
sharon
August 26th, 2008 at 6:50 am
I was also hoping on the live fast, die young plan, but in recent months I’ve come to realise that a) the die young plan wasn’t going to work out very well and b) I didn’t really achieve anything yet, so the live fast part was failing too. I’m also in a struggle to overcome myself and my errors and I’m quite proud of myself how far I’ve come in this short amount of time. The only bit is that now follows the hard part of my journey to self-acceptance. I’ve seen you grow as well. I wish you all the best. You are a beautiful woman with so much love and care, but that can easily get burried under outsiders pressure. Your inner beauty needs to dig its way up out of the dirt that has been thrown over it, but it sure is in there.
August 26th, 2008 at 6:54 am
I don’t believe that we can ever be too hard on ourselves, so long as the self-analysis and goals are healthy. Sometimes our fiercest efforts to “do for others” are actually a desperate need veiled in ourselves. If that takes hold of us, we are diminished, as well as the people we are purportedly helping. Doing for others should be a free and honest and good-feeling thing. If it’s deperate or tinged with resentment or need, it’s the tip of dark things running much deeper.
August 26th, 2008 at 7:22 am
“you see up until recently,, i truly believed,, that if i could prove that i was sufficiently broken,, you could not expect me to be beautiful too…”
paisley..you know what when it comes to beauty..its very tough to portray it the way you want to..there are people who have the knack of seeing beauty in us..just the way we have lots who can spot ugliness in us..may be its an illusion that “we” are responsible for the opinions others develop about us..only person who we can influence is ourselves..and I believe it does not really matter if I turn out to be beautiful or ugly as long as I am happy
August 26th, 2008 at 7:49 am
I think I know what you mean here. A while back I had to come to terms with the fact that, yes, I was really going to live past 30. This meant dealing with the big mess my past was. I still working things out and I think I’d rather have it this way. Your self insight is amazing. You could write a hell of a memoir I bet.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Inner beauty can never be revealed unless it is truly there. I do believe that your explanations provides us insight into you. However, if you had not given us these bits of information regarding your past experiences, your inner beauty would still have shown. The same holds true for inner ugliness. As an example: My first ex husband was very abusive – and after each abusive episode he would become a beautiful person; however, I knew that it was all a facade and that he really was still the ugly person I had seen the night before. Although he had many excuses; such as he came from a very abusive family – this his father often admitted to and asked for forgiveness for – unless my ex was truly willing to make the change himself – knowing that he experienced an abusive household made no difference to me and made no difference in him healing the hatred he so often revealed. The difference is his experiences were always an excuse; yours are simply blunt truths. Although you speak of your experiences, you in no way blame what happend on the choices you make each day. This shows the inner beauty that I see. And yes, dear Paisley, you are too hard on your self at times in my opinion. Most of yesterday’s post spoke of how you never give; but I’d bet my last dollar you have given of yourself more than what you are saying or even admitting to yourself. You become that which you think you are; as long as you continue to believe you are not a giver – you will have a hard stride becoming such – if that is your true desire. You give of yourself in many ways – I simply would be delighted if you would pat yourself on the back for your giving side more than scolding your ungiving side; for what you think is what you are. Love yourself enough, as we all do, to say “nice” things about yourself too. Sorry for the rambling. . . . PLL, CordieB.
August 26th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
I think you are being a tad bit hard on yourself. I think some of it may be the effects of confirmation bias. Most of us, I think, overlook the little moments of the day. Though those moments of off-handed kindnesses or apathies go unregarded, they do count, they do matter. Never only look for the bad because that is what you expect to find.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I feel you are really fortunate in truly knowing yourself. Some of us, myself included don’t look too deep into our souls for fear of what we might discover. Hard on yourself? Well, possibly. Honest with yourself? Definitely
August 26th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
as a fellow Long Hauler weelcome to the club..:))..the longer you are on this earth the more poetential to grow is there..
August 26th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
You’re introspection is an inspiration. I like how you actually take stock and learn as you go from your past actions, and from the people who come in contact with you. This post gives me a better insight into who you are, or who you are becoming. We are always becoming, doesn’t it seem?
August 26th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
taking responsibility for your actions. for your life… THIS is beauty. given the path you’ve followed, it would be easy to punt, to blame, to allow “circumstance” to be responsible. but you take ownership. beautiful, dear paisley!
August 27th, 2008 at 3:37 am
You know Paisley, that self examinations usually uncover more than any doctor could. When you write and allow us to read, you are penning your own prescriptions to help in your healing. Your bravado can translate into freeing someone to explore themselves, whereby, teaching others to become free. Like Tommy from The Who singing, … “I’m Free, I’m free, and I’m waiting for you to follow me … See me, Feel me, Touch me, Heal me.” Love you Little One.
August 27th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
The transition from the “victim” mentality of blame and projection to empowerment is one of the most awesome experiences. I know. I speak from experience (and still do battle with the former periodically).
August 27th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
You are honest and self-accepting. You could be writing about my life right now. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. Not only am I searching for inner beauty, I am searching for inner contentment. Maybe the two are one and the same. XX
August 28th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Oh my gosh, I was just thinking about this while waiting for the bus, how it seems my longest replies, and heartfelt
are written to people who never or very rarely reply, and how that could be telling me something about my life
or who I give attention to in general. I didn’t feel you were being hard on yourself, just honest and that is to be admired.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Sometimes, I think it takes more than one reading to truly understand what a writer is trying to convey. And I’ve noticed that with blogs, sometimes people are on speed read for many reasons, and that the carefully crafted nuances of a piece can be lost, misunderstood, or worse, skimmed over. I, too, have found myself thinking — that’s not what I thought I wrote. That’s not what I meant. The good thing about that for me is that I get to think about whatever I was delving into even more deeply. As far as being too hard on one’s self is concerned, I think some are more capable of considering their faults and using those to grow. That in and of itself is quite beautiful in my opinion. The word introspection sounds so much more lovely than reflection, but only a strange person like me who loves words would think that way.