recently, on my post, “remember the monkeys” my ever wise blogging friend, rel, from under the microscope, made the comment that,, “To truly experience the moment requires, I think, doing for others.”
i am the first to admit,, this is an area in which i can be found in true deficit… i am selfish.. self-centered.. i might even go so far as to call myself self-absorbed… conveniently,, i have always been able to use the excuse that “if i don’t look out for me,, no one else will…” and for the majority of my life,, i have seen to it that, that was the case..
i was taught by actions, be that my own or the reactions of others as a result of my own actions,, that if someone is not performing in such a way as to provide me with the desired end result,, it is perfectly ok to abandon them.. to send them away.. to pawn them off on someone else,, or if it is more convenient,, (which ordinarily it has been in my case),, just leave…
between the ages of fifteen and seventeen,, my mom sent me to my gramma’s, my gramma sent me back home,, my mom let me go live with a friend from schools family,, who in turn sent me back home,, and when at the age of seventeen, i turned up pregnant a month or two before graduation,, i was sent to live out the last few months of my “adolescence ” in a run away shelter…
for many years i considered myself “a throw away”.. and as a result,, in what i now believe to have been more or less an act of retaliation,, i have treated others in similar fashion.. relationship not working?? i’m outta here.. not satisfied with the life you can offer me?? see ya.. this is not going to take me where i feel i need to be… bu bye…
so for me thinking in terms of doing for others, has been easily cast aside by reality, as i have no close family,, no friends,, no, no one.. in order for me to “do” for someone else,, i have always had to more or less go out and dig someone up…
now, i am good at helping a stranger.. i have a special place in my heart for the homeless, the disadvantaged, the elderly.. however,, as convenience might have it,, my desire to be generous with myself is centered solely around people i do not really know.. people i more than likely will never see again,, and have no intimate relationship with.. so it is never ongoing,, nor does it “cut in” to my life in such a way as it can truly be seen as a sacrifice on my part…
currently,, the only ongoing relationship i have maintained is my friendship, with ben.. for the most part it is maintained by a phone call every tuesday afternoon, and a visit,, (which usually consists of dining out,, and running my errands),, maybe twice a month… now as the majority of you know,, a huge portion of my “good fortune” at this point in my life centers around my friend ben’s generosity… he has made it possible for me to live here, rent free.. he has made it possible for me to live here rent free,, for the rest of my natural life should i decide to do so.. and in so doing,, he has made it possible for me to work a minimal schedule and pursue my passion for writing full time..
and you want to know what?? i have to fight with myself,, literally,, to make room in my heart, and my life for him… when he wants to come down and stay with me for a few days,, as he is here currently,, i have to go into “fake it” mode.. i have to revert to what i call my “old whore” behavior.. the behavior that says,, “be what it is he wants you to be, so in the end you get what you want..” and that,, my friends,, is something i am not especially proud of..
it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin.. it makes me realize what a flawed individual i am.. it makes me physically ill,, to know that i am that person… and in so doing,, makes me unable to live in the moment,, as i am forever projecting to the moment when i get to take him home…
just for today, (to steal a well worn phrase from the recovery community) i am going to try and allow myself to enjoy the time we have together.. i am going to try with everything i have to be in the moment,, and give freely of myself,, not because of the “pot of gold” that is at the end of this rainbow,, but because ben deserves that.. he is a wonderful human being.. the only one i have ever known that expects nothing,, and never rejects me,, regardless of my behaviors…
i have lived forty seven years of life “looking out for me”,, taking what i can get and moving on… a huge drawback in my being able to accept the fact that “i am home” has revolved around my unwillingness to give, of myself…
and i guess the bottom line here is,, i know now,, that has got to change..
hey rel,, see why i need you????
photo:
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:19 am
i can totally relate to you on this. i was sent away when i was younger. it was nothing that i did, but the result of a psychopathic stepfather. as a child, though, i thought it was something i’d done. add many other abandonments, and it’s very difficult to know how to move outside of survival mode. you’re not exactly selfish, just on high alert. you learn to live this way; and your skin is thin and fragile. you do not wish to be hurt again.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:22 am
I feel like I’m sitting on a shelf in your brain!
Honestly? I think we are all fakes sometimes. I know I am. I hate having company but I smile through it. Just like you’ll get through today and, while you might not really enjoy it, you’ll feel better about yourself afterwards. We all gotta do what we gotta do even when it sucks.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:41 am
I do not think selfish is bad..I guess the word is cliched
August 23rd, 2008 at 11:06 am
beautiful self-exploration. i think you sharing so many of your experiences and your struggle is selfless and certainly does a lot for me and other readers. i’m always so thankful to come here and see what you’re up to — it sets off a slew of helpful thought patterns in me. you sound like you’re headed in the right direction for sure.
August 23rd, 2008 at 11:11 am
I have a great deal of respect for you, Jodi, because for all the flaws you talk about in yourself, you are the rare person who seems to be genuinely honest about your failings. You are never going to be perfect, but you are one step ahead of many people, me included, because you have looked in the mirror and not pretended to see what is not there. I have never physically been in your company, but I hold you in very high esteem.
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
((((jodi)))))
I am a very non-social person and it’s taken a long time to understand that it’s who I am. If a social event is needed, well, that’s when Rose gets to shine.
August 23rd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
sometimes the act of ‘giving’ — even if it’s done for cause — can help cleanse the soul. in essence, it’s an act of selfishness! so maybe you’re not the phony you are thinking… it’s a gift of your time and attention. and it’s certainly appreciated. that’s a good moment!
August 23rd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Baby, you’re the greatest!
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Yes, you don’t pretend, you expose yourself warts and all…..I’m not sure I’m brave enough to do that. But cut yourself some slack……you are only doing what you learned to do to survive childhood, which is pretty bloody sad.
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Most everyone is self serving, self-centred and totally self absorbed. Life teaches you that. Breaking from the norm is an incredibly hard thing to do. Throwing a trinket now and then to your favourite charity hard gets a person off the hook so to speak.
Very poignant post Paisley.
~JD
August 23rd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
You know when you are tagged with a MeMe you find out who your real friends are and I felt comfortable tagging you with this: My Seven Quirks MeMe! This is what I said on, #3. “I am so afraid of making mistakes in spelling or grammar that it keeps me from leaving comments on other people’s sites.” and I also said this, “I want to apologize to the people I am going to tag and please don’t feel obligate to participate if you don’t want to…It’s supposed to be fun and if it isn’t fun for you please don’t play along.
Enjoy Life!
August 23rd, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Jodi you are so boldly honest with yourself and who you are,
that takes courage and as my gram would say plain-sighted-ness.
I find to also have trouble being in the moment and just enjoying
instead of succumbing to a whipping brain, constantly thinking
okay later when this is over I’ll read this or write that.
Now I make an effort to control my thinking, which often works
against me. I love your truth.
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Jodi, at this moment, I am wishing with all my heart, I could have been more like you during the years I needed to be more like you. Perhaps I might have been a far wiser and far happier person than I proved to me. I am going to add the last four lines to my poem, “Autobiography”
Too late, too late I realized
there’s little virture to be found
in compliancy.
I was at fault much more than he.
August 23rd, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Sometimes I want to scream at you “stop being so hard on yourself’! C’mon Darling … you’re one of the most very gorgeous, honest, truthful, kind … and more but I don’t want to sound gushy here … people I don’t actaully know … you’re loved from afar by people who know your worth is pricesless … one day you’ll believe it like so many others do
LYM. oxoxo
August 24th, 2008 at 12:23 am
Doing unto others is hard. I am also guilty of looking out for strangers more than people I know because I can walk away afterwards. Yet helping others we know well, being in the moment with them, can be so rewarding. I admire you for your honesty and grace. Very much.
August 24th, 2008 at 4:16 am
paisley,
I need you as much as you need me.
That’s all I can say.
rel
August 24th, 2008 at 4:20 am
I’ve not had the same experiences as you, because I grew up in a loving home, but I can feel your pain. My life has been centered around doing for my family – until one day, 3 years ago, I had a mental breakdown. It was after the death of my baby sister, and I finally realized if I didn’t start taking care of myself, nothing else mattered.
So, I quit my job as a RN. Now I work parttime mornings at a local church, which leaves my afternoons open for writing, writing, writing. Somewhere between trying to please my parents, trying to please my first husband, trying to please my children and trying to please my current hubby – I lost myself.
Now I’m on a journey to get ME back.
Good luck in everything you do! (PS: I was thrilled to learn we are almost the same age: I just turned 46.)
August 24th, 2008 at 6:34 am
I can’t believe how honest you are with yourself. Do you realize how few people have the self-awareness you do? And to decide to do something in a different way is a whole other accomplishment. It took a lot for me to realize I had to live differently in many ways. And I’m still not done with it yet. I have a lot of respect for you.
August 24th, 2008 at 9:44 am
This is a truly wonderful post. I think if many people examined themselves honestly they would find much selfishness
I know that I am. Living in somebody else’s house is driving me crazy. I’m packing today and taking forever as I continually berate myself for imagined sins. The truth is I’m paying rent and while they don’t usually need extra money do now—so I’m helping them. But they’re friends who do everything “perfectly” and I…
I need to get back to blogging more. I truly don’t have the physical time–stolen moments–but I don’t think I’m “good” enough to blog let alone be published which is what I really want more of
Ever since I wrote that article earlier this summer I have felt like a selfish very imperfect person who is letting an article excuse me from so much
I will be better once I close–it’s all so daunting and very very grown up
August 24th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I agree with Nathan about your self-awareness. You are so honest with yourself, and though you used to simply accept it as the way it is, you’re now evolving to a place of …opening. Which leads to allowing.
And, by the way, I can’t imagine one person on this planet who doesn’t engage in your definition of “old whore” behavior periodically. Even with those they truly love.
August 24th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
i think i do understand what you are feeling. i have lived most of my life in survival mode and it makes one rather…i don’t wish to say selfish…that isn’t it…it is just that your priorities are to get through the next day…the next crisis…to survive. this isn’t bad…it just is. i think you do give a lot each time you write something like this and share of yourself with others. there are many different modes of giving.
August 24th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
You are getting closer and closer…. I agree with meander. When you arrive at the place where you don’t need to fight to survive you will find a way to support others.
I cannot help but feel such anger for what JW’s did to you. I am not a church going woman but wrong is wrong. Children should never be punished that much. I am so, so sorry that just one adult did not stand up for you! Where were they!
b
August 24th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
how terribly awful, to feel like a ‘throw away’ . I am glad you now know you Are NOT a throw away Jodi. You have so much heart and passion
and are amazingly honest about your life, your feelings. giving to others such as strangers is a great first step at letting others get closer to you. From all your recent posts it seems you are coming so close to being who you really want to be and truly are inside.
as far as your friend Ben.. Jodi, If you don’t feel proud to be a certain way that you think he expects you to be. Don’t do it. Talk with him Jodi. please don’t revert back to ways you’ve come so far away from. I doubt you will be giving up on his hospitality if you tell him your feelings. just a thought. xoxo
August 24th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
You, my friend, are deep; and a master at defining emotion. I appreciate you. Thank you for the kind visit . . .
August 24th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
” i am selfish.. self-centered.. i might even go so far as to call myself self-absorbed”
Hey….you just described me.
August 24th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
““be what it is he wants you to be, so in the end you get what you want..” and that,, my friends,, is something i am not especially proud of..”
Me too dood. I do the same thing. Wow.
August 24th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I have to agree with the many that believe you’re being too hard on yourself, Jodi. If I recall correctly, in the ‘benefactor’, you stated part of your agreement was to never allow ‘Ben’ to experience his worst fear(spending time in a nursing home). That could potentially be a huge commitment. One that many children cannot fullfill!
August 25th, 2008 at 1:15 am
The comfort zone between giving and receiving is certainly difficult to find. It looks to me like you have pretty much found it with this post. It’s nice to read an honest self appraisal.
August 25th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I can relate to this on so many levels. I don’t think its the though we have that matter as much as how we act on them. Being open and honest about it makes all the difference. I struggle very much with having compassion and concern for others in my life, but its hard if your self absorbed. The more I’ve explored these things the less a factor they play in my life. I have a really hard time putting importance on other people because I spend a whole lot of time thinking about myself and my own problems. Considering the hardships some of us have had, I don’t think its all that abnormal. My theory is that when I learn to start loving and caring about myself, it will free me up to pay more attention to other people. Thats the root of my selfishness, at least.
August 25th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Wow Paisley – you’re really trying. I applaud you for that! I’ve said before that it is really hard to give that which you have never received and you can’t teach that which you do not know. I felt really bad for you because from reading your posts I realized that as a child especially, you had not received unconditional love; therefore it was very hard if not impossible for you to give such. Not an excuse; but a simple truth. I can see that you are really trying to do something that you have no real clue on how to do. How very brave of you! Just trust life, and all will turn out ok. You’ll see. Someone once wrote, I don’t feel like looking up the author–If you always do what you’ve always done; than you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten. (someting to that effect). Step out with trust sista – giving all of yourself. You have nothing to loose; in fact I would imagine that you will gain more than you can imagine. Hell, yeah! You might just find those pieces of yourself that you thought were left in that “garbage bag full of freedom.” Whatever you discover, I do hope only the best for you dearest; as you are real with yourself and that’s all that counts. As always, Peace, Light and Love. . . CordieB.
August 30th, 2008 at 6:53 am
[...] Published August 30, 2008 Life Tags: kindness, unkindness Thanks to Chris and Paisley, I’ve been thinking a lot about kindness this [...]