….why paisley???

i would like to believe i am a liberal thinker.. i do believe that everyone should be given the opportunity to, if not prosper,, then at least make enough money to feed, clothe, medicate,, and educate themselves and their family… although my hands on experience is nil,, i would like to believe that i am somewhat informed as to the vast chasm of economic difference that separates the standard of living in my country, the usa,, from that of countries, too numerous to name here,, so i will fall back on the age old stereotypical description and group them all as “underprivileged”…

i would like nothing more than to know that the standard of living was equal all over the world,, and that we as human beings were all born with the same opportunity to survive and thrive… but even as i look around my own country, i know this is not the case..  i also know that as one small person there is not a whole lot i can do to set the wheels of world wide human equality in motion…

i can donate money to help feed, cloth, medicate, and educate people who are less fortunate than myself,, and yet, i know that jumping in and “doing it for them” is not the real answer.. whereas it is not the purpose of this piece to try and answer the age old question,, “what can i do to save the world from itself??”,,  i was inspired by a clip from a post by my friend anthony north on his beyond the blog,, to explore my feelings on the situation surrounding the  illegal aliens currently residing in the united states.. so here we go…

i have worked the majority of my life in the food and beverage industry,, thus,, i have worked shoulder to shoulder with many fine individuals who’s status in this country is that of “illegal alien”.. in fact,, my current employment situation puts me, a white female who happens to have been born in this country,,  in the position of being the minority,, so my feelings on this matter are complex..

believe me,, there is no part of the word “illegal” i don’t understand..  having spent a good portion off my life involved in activities i knew to be illegal,, and on several occasions having been forced to pay the consequences of said behaviors,,  i know better than to put myself in a situation that in any way, shape, or form, involves law enforcement… so, it pains me to see immigration and customs officials go into areas heavily populated by “illegal aliens” and just round them up for deportation.. but by the same token,, if i am pulled over with no drivers license and no insurance,, they would take my car too!! my status as a citizen would do nothing to protect  me if i were apprehended committing what is commonly considered to be an “illegal” activity..  therefore,, i have no reason to expect that the same punishments would not be meted out to everyone guilty of the same infractions,, regardless of citizenship…

i do not have a problem with people from such “underprivileged” countries coming here to work.. if there is no work,, or the work that is available to them in their country of origin doesn’t pay enough to support basic human existence,, i see no reason,, that we should not welcome workers to this country.. ideally however,, i would like to see more of the the monies they earn put back into our failing economy,, instead of being sent “home” to support the economy of the country which they saw fit to flee..

i would like to see mandatory citizenship and english language courses put in place for all undocumented workers.. i believe the cost of such could be offset by  restricting of the availability of some of the “privileges” we extend to our citizens,, (ie. public education, state funded day care, government financial assistance, food stamps, state funded medical coverage, etc.) i see no reason we could not make enrollment in any of the above programs contingent upon the completion of said courses.. in addition i would like to see punishment meted out to those citizens of this country that knowingly continue to employ undocumented workers.. after all,, illegal is illegal. period..

ideally,, i would also like to see the over crowded judicial and corrections system deport any and all illegal aliens taken into custody in the commission of criminal acts,, instead of holding them to stand trial and then imprisoning them here..  however,, i also realize that to do so just sets the criminal element free to re-enter the country illegally,, thus starting the whole wheel in motion all over again….

i know,, there are no easy answers.. and i assure you,, i am not looking for a quick fix… in fact i have more or less resigned myself to the fact that the majority of the questions that remain unanswered at this point in my life,, are the same ones that have remained unanswerable for generations,, and more than likely will remain unanswered for as long as mankind inhabits the earth…

like many sensitive topics of discussion in our sickeningly politically correct country,, i am pretty sure this post will garner few comments.. but that’s alright… maybe it will cause some of us think.. and  if enough of us are caused to think,, who knows,, maybe somewhere down the line one of us we will be instrumental in finding a workable solution… for everyone…

after all,, weirder things have happened….

image location:

http://www.sanfranciscosentinel.com/?p=6025

tah candle fight by ~tallkidd on deviantART

i took meanboy to the vet this morning,, only to find out he had suffered some kind of spinal chord trauma.. he was not refusing to walk due to illness,, as i originally thought,, but rather,, he was paralyzed.. we took x-rays of him,, and found that in addition to the paralysis,,  he was bloated with fluid,, that was pressing on his lungs and diaphragm,, causing it to be difficult for him to breathe.. he also had a distended bladder,, due to the fact that the paralysis had made him unable to empty it on his own…

i felt that it was far kinder to allow meanboy to be put down than it would have been to allow him to die of his own accord,, as that course would have been slow and painful…

night, night my meanboy.. we will miss you…. XXOO

this is not meanboy,, but looks just like him…

Orange Cat by ~Suguru-kun on deviantART

it seems to be pet week here  at …why paisley??? today i went over in the morning to feed meanboy,, my outdoor cat,, and he was not in uncle alvin’s cabin.. so, i left his food,, as he is free to roam and do what he pleases,, and i never thought another thing about it…

then this afternoon about 4 i went to give him his dinner,, and i heard him calling out to me,, which he does from time to time,, so i started saying, as i usually do,,  “c’mon meanboy,,, get in the house… here comes the dogs”,,, and as i was saying this to him,, moo moo ran down the embankment of the creek,, and there,, lying on his side,, not moving,, just yowling,, was meanboy.. he was panting hard,, and seemed unable to move.. i tried to talk him up,, but he wouldn’t get up,, even moo moo seemed to notice he was not well, as she didn’t even try to antagonize him…

fortunately,, just as i was begining to wonder what the heck i was going to do,, (as i cannot really get in and out of the creek as it is like 10 feel deep),, jose, the guy that does my maintenance,, pulled up to the gate, (he was here to pick up all the junk ben and i cleaned out of the shed and take it to the dump, thank god)… he climbed down into the creek,, and covered mean boy with an old mattress cover i was throwing out, so he wouldn’t get scratched or bitten,, and carried him safely back up the bank,, where i got him in the large plastic pet carrier and i dragged the carrier with him in it over to the house..

at first, he was breathing hard,, and drooling a bit,, but he seems to have calmed down now.. he is resting in the wood shed,, on a pillow and some towels i put in the carrier.. i have food and water in there,, but he will not touch either… he isn’t panting any more,, and he isn’t yowling,, so i don’t know what to think… he was perfectly fine last evening when i fed him,,, and since he is an outdoor cat,, i cannot tell you what if anything he has been into..

i will keep an eye on him,, and take him in to the vet tomorrow if he doesn’t seem to be improved… poor meanboy…

moo moo, my big bad cat chasing rottie,, has parked herself at the door to the wood shed and is keeping guard over him… deep down,, she’s just an ol’ softee….

my little girl in the red fur coat,, my kymarina

most of you have met moo moo,, my rottie.. she demands the spotlight,, and do to her antics,, she usually gets it… she is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil around here,, she is the boss,, the queen,, my grumbelina….

but there is another girl,, a shy girl.. a timid girl… she is so well behaved,, and her everyday life is so uneventful that she rarely,, if ever,, makes it into the spotlight.. and her name is ky.. she is my nervous little girl in the red fur coat… she is my shadow,, my bed warmer,, my kymarina…

at just shy of eleven years,, my little darling girl is begining to show definite signs of age.. it pains me to see her waning like this… after all,, she will always be,  my little “sister”.. she is my second “born”.. the one constant in the last eleven years of my life… she has been with me thru seven moves that have taken us more than 4000 miles… she has seen me thru mania and depression and taught me much about acceptance….. she has loved me unconditionally,, even when i found it nearly impossible to love myself.. and thru it all,, she has always been right there by my side, willing to do, or be, whatever it was i needed her to do or be,, for nothing more than the honor of remaining in my presence…

ky has never been the alpha dog.. she has always been “second”.. she has lived her whole life in a shadow.. first of an auspiciously dominant doberman,, my bubby,, who passed away in 2003.. then when he passed away,, with out a whimper,, she gave over her rightful place to moo moo,,  graciously accepting the fact that she was to remain in “second” place in the order of things…

knowing her,, and loving her makes me understand,, that being first is vastly overrated.. being the most beautiful,, or the smartest,, or the strongest,, might garner more fleeting attentions,, but in the vast scheme of all the things that are really important in this life,, none of that matters…

i guess in the end,, all that has ever really mattered,,  is being there… i love you kymarina…..

inner beauty by ~lordacidburn on deviantART

i would like to begin by letting you know that i cherish each and every comment leave for me,, and hope you understand that just because i do not enter into a discourse by posting my response to those comments on my blog, that it does not mean i do not take to heart each and every one… in fact,, sometimes i feel compelled to broach a subject based solely on the weight of the comments you have left.. such is the case today..

it was brought to my attention by some of the comments left on my post “doing for others” yesterday,, that some of you feel i need to “stop being so hard on myself”…. it bothered me very much, that i had given you that impression.. so i spent all day yesterday allowing that notion to percolate in the deepest resources of my overly analytical brain., and the end result of my monologue with myself has left me convinced that, to me,, owning who i am, just doesn’t feel like being hard on myself..

and here is why…

as i have stated numerous times, i never believed i would live this long.. no way.. i fully subscribed to the notion that i had indeed signed on for the “live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse” short term plan.. and while i am willing to admit that i believed the theory behind the words “beauty is only skin deep” and “true beauty comes from within” it never occurred to me,, that they were talking to me…

a year or so ago,, when i looked into the mirror and no longer recognized the woman looking back at me,, it had become obvious for the first time in my whole life,, that i may be approaching the time in my life where some inner beauty might begin to come in handy.. with that realization came the desire to seek deeper than the outward culmination of all that i have been,, as what i had been,, was no longer an accurate measure of my being..

in order to do so,, i had to not only own all that i had been,, but i had to come to the understanding that no one outside of myself is responsible for my actions.. where as i have never been one to deny the parts i have played,, i must admit,, that until very recently,, it was ever too easy to accept the action,, while laying the motivation for said action elsewhere.. i am just now beginning to realize that such a way of thinking has all but alleviated the need for inner beauty..

you see up until recently,, i truly believed,, that if i could prove that i was sufficiently broken,, you could not expect me to be beautiful too…

so what you may see as me being too hard on myself,, is really just me coming to terms with the fact that i,, and i alone,, own my actions..  in owning them outright,, i free myself of all the anger that i have harbored against those that i felt forced my hand.. i can forgive all the people that i have blamed for my charactor flaws all these years.. and in so doing,, i am hoping i can free up a little place in my heart,, in which i might be able to accumulate some of that inner beauty i have heard tell of… as i realize now,, that i am,, like it or not,, evidently in this for the long haul,,, and yeah,, they were talking to me….

recently, on my post, “remember the monkeys” my ever wise blogging friend, rel, from under the microscope, made the comment that,, “To truly experience the moment requires, I think, doing for others.”

i am the first to admit,, this is an area in which i can be found in true deficit… i am selfish.. self-centered.. i might even go so far as to call myself self-absorbed… conveniently,, i have always been able to use the excuse that “if i don’t look out for me,, no one else will…” and for the majority of my life,, i have seen to it that, that was the case..

i was taught by actions, be that my own or the reactions of others as a result of my own actions,, that if someone is not performing in such a way as to provide me with the desired end result,, it is perfectly ok to abandon them.. to send them away.. to pawn them off on someone else,, or if it is more convenient,, (which ordinarily it has been in my case),, just leave…

between the ages of fifteen and seventeen,, my mom sent me to my gramma’s, my gramma sent me back home,, my mom let me go live with a friend from schools family,, who in turn sent me back home,, and when at the age of seventeen,  i turned up pregnant a month or two before graduation,, i was sent to live out the last few months of my “adolescence ” in a run away shelter…

for many years i considered myself “a throw away”.. and as a result,, in what i now believe to have been more or less an act of retaliation,, i have treated others in similar fashion.. relationship not working?? i’m outta here.. not satisfied with the life you can offer me?? see ya.. this is not going to take me where i feel i need to be… bu bye…

so for me thinking in terms of doing for others, has been easily cast aside by reality, as i have no close family,, no friends,, no, no one.. in order for me to “do” for someone else,, i have always had to more or less go out and dig someone up…

now, i am good at helping a stranger.. i have a special place in my heart for the homeless, the disadvantaged, the elderly.. however,, as convenience might have it,,  my desire to be generous with myself is centered solely around people i do not really know.. people i more than likely will never see again,, and have no intimate relationship with.. so it is never ongoing,, nor does it “cut in” to my life in such a way as it can truly be seen as a sacrifice on my part…

currently,, the only ongoing relationship i have maintained is my friendship, with ben.. for the most part it is maintained by a phone call every tuesday afternoon, and a visit,, (which usually consists of dining out,, and running my errands),, maybe twice a month… now as the majority of you know,, a huge portion of my “good fortune” at this point in my life centers around my friend ben’s generosity… he has made it possible for me to live here, rent free.. he has made it possible for me to live here rent free,, for the rest of my natural life should i decide to do so.. and in so doing,, he has made it possible for me to work a minimal schedule and pursue my passion for writing full time..

and you want to know what?? i have to fight with myself,, literally,, to make room in my heart, and my life for him… when he wants to come down and stay with me for a few days,, as he is here currently,, i have to go into “fake it” mode.. i have to revert to what i call my “old whore” behavior.. the behavior that says,, “be what it is he wants you to be,  so in the end you get what you want..” and that,, my friends,, is something i am not especially proud of..

it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin.. it makes me realize what a flawed individual i am.. it makes me physically ill,, to know that i am that person… and in so doing,, makes me unable to live in the moment,, as i am forever projecting to the moment when i get to take him home…

just for today, (to steal a well worn phrase from the recovery community) i am going to try and allow myself to enjoy the time we have together.. i am going to try with everything i have to be in the moment,, and give freely of myself,, not because of the “pot of gold” that is at the end of this rainbow,, but because ben deserves that.. he is a wonderful human being.. the only one i have ever known that expects nothing,, and never rejects me,, regardless of my behaviors…

i have lived forty seven years of life “looking out for me”,, taking what i can get and moving on…  a huge drawback in my being able to accept the fact that “i am home” has revolved around my unwillingness to give, of myself…

and i guess the bottom line here is,,  i know now,, that has got to change..

hey rel,, see why i need you????

photo:

http://dibbi.deviantart.com/art/isolation-79330383

it is nearly september,, i know,, but it is “spring cleaning” time here in the canyon…

Clutter by ~mayhemproject on deviantART

some of you may remember this description of what my house looked like the first time i walked in the door from an archived post called “my benefactor“:

“it was locked, locked again,, and triple locked.. it was alarmed and booby trapped to injure or incapacitate any and all comers… it was piled high with trash, smashed wine bottles, empty tins of salmon and sardines… it held years worth of old and now useless keepsakes, as the mold and dust had over come them… it was full of rat poison, dead mice,, a few dead birds…well to say the least i was unprepared… believe me when i say,, i am no domestic goddess,,, but this was totally another affair….”

i kid you not….

while i succeeded in getting ben to part with two truck loads of what you and i would commonly call garbage, at that time,, everything that he found himself unable to part with was either hoarded into piles in his bedroom,, stored in boxes on the back porch, or thrown in the woodshed…

yesterday i tackled the back porch.. the unusable contents of which is currently in piles in the back yard… today i am going to go get him,, and bring him down here for a few days.. we both have dentist appointments today,, but tomorrow is going to be “clean all the crap out of his bedroom and the woodshed day”.. i have already lined up jose, the man that does all my maintenance to come and haul it all off to the dump,, so this is it… everything goes…

ben is a bit eccentric.. the home he lives in is piled high with god only knows what,, partly because he will not throw anything out,, but mostly because he has never had trash service at his house.. he is not a psychological “hoarder” he is just eccentric,, so i see no reason why now that he has grown accustomed to me being here we cannot get rid of all of this crap…

i feel that this cleaning is symbolic in a way… to me,, it means that i have come to terms with the fact that i intend to stay here.. even tho i  have always known i could,, and accepted it in theory,, i believe it has taken me the better part of the last two years to come to terms with the fact- that alas,, i am home..

wait till he finds out i wanna get rid of all of “dad’s” old furniture too…..

Monkeys 1. by ~longlivefidel on deviantART

first of all,, i want to thank those of you that took the time to share with me your innermost feelings on the subject of death.. where as i do not feel it should be a taboo subject,, i do realize that very often i am alone in that feeling.. for some reason, since it is the only experience in life we will all share,, and there is no  proof that we will be able to sit around and discuss it further after having experienced it,, i feel compelled to express my feelings or insights,, and privileged when you share your feelings and insights with me in return..

as many of you know,, i have been experiencing a disconnectedness with life for the past few years.. i must confess it has often been a place that i have fought against being,, mainly because it was my preconceived notion, that we as humans are supposed to have this huge “bucket list” of things we need to do, or acquire, or experience, before we depart… i do not believe i am alone in the notion that the “correct approach” to living is to be forever on a mission to accumulate and/or accomplish the goals on that ever important “bucket list”…

it has taken me an inordinate amount of time to realize,, that my not having one,, is not a character flaw.. i kept thinking that if i went back,, and searched thru all that i have been , i would find those entries that are not,, but probably should be,, on my “bucket list”.. i felt less than because,, even after careful scrutiny,, i still came up “list less”…. i was convinced i had left them behind,, perhaps in that “garbage bag full of freedom”,, perhaps in my angst ridden youth,, perhaps i abandoned them in one of the many places i have been,, or maybe they belonged solely to one of the “me’s”,, that i had left behind…..  it was not until i completed what i feel to be a very thorough period of introspection, and dissected all of those perhaps-es that i realized,, (as unpopular a truth as it may be)  i just don’t have them..

that realization has allowed me to see that in many ways, my not having goals i feel driven to achieve,, frees me up to be ever so much more in the moment than those of us that are forever striving for the next, “i will be perfectly happy when….” i am not chasing a dream.. i am not seeking change.. i am not looking to accumulate.. i just am….

and sometimes i forget,, what an awesome place that can be…

if you are so inclined i would love to share with you a video called what we are.. i was first exposed to it about a year or so ago,, and i cannot think about “just be-ing” without,, remembering the monkeys…

someone by the name of marlow44 left this quote on janet leigh’s blog, Poetmeister …on the road to Parnassus in response to a poem she wrote in honor of a loved one that had recently passed….

Eckhart Tolle once wrote,”The secret to life is die before you die–and to discover there is no death.”

Contentment by ~alianora on deviantART

when i read it,, it made me feel like for the first time i had stumbled across someone that “gets it”…. “to die before you die..”

why does that sound so plausible when he says it?? why does it seem to make so much sense?? as if there is an air of ethereal simplicity that surrounds it… it makes one want to exhale deeply and say,, “why of course….”

why is it, that instead of being envious,, instead of thinking “wow,, if only i could attain that sense of peace…”   we seem to equate a sense of human completion before the prescribed hour of death,, with severe depression,  a chemical imbalance,, or worse yet, suicidal tenancies?? why is it that when people say they are “ready to go”,, we feel compelled to say,, “no.. no,, you’re not… for the best is yet to come….”

so many times i have written about my willingness (a favorable disposition) to die.. please don’t confuse this with a desire ( a longing),, as they are no where near the same.. and each and every time i have voiced my feeling on this subject,, the response is always the same,, heartfelt comments telling me that “surely the best part of your life is just around the corner”,, and “it will be bigger and better than you ever imagined”,, and “your wildest dreams are yet to come true…”

i wonder,, why we are so unable to rejoice in the fact that someone feels fulfilled in their journey?? why is it so unthinkable that someone could have actually attained the goals they set out for themselves in this existence?? why do we choose to believe that it is in effect unbefitting of a human to have achieved true contentment??  after all,, who was it that said,, everyone has to die with their wildest dreams yet unfulfilled??

*******

i was so moved by feeling that came over me when i read those words,, i also wrote a poem called “and i wait… and posted it on just paisley….. i am hoping you will click over and share it with me as well……

gene simmons family jewels

during the time that i was laid up and watching mass quantities of television, i became addicted to a show called gene simmons family jewels.. never having been a true kiss fan,, i knew next to nothing about gene simmons and even less about his family life,, and i must say lost very little sleep surrounding my ignorance…

i will not bore you with the juicy details,, but if you are at all interested the show airs for like 4 consecutive hours  every sunday night on A&E,, and i invite you to tune in and see for yourself.. the only reason i brought this up,, was last week on the show,, shannon tweed, (gene’s girlfriend of 25 years and the mother of his two children,) and her sister tracey were at the playboy mansion talking about the night shannon and gene met.. tracey’s exact words to shannon that night were, “there’s a guy with a job, you outta go out with him…” and i thought,, “wow… even playboy bunnies living a “surreal” life had a hard time finding a date that had a job in the eighties…..”

now, i have long believed that the women’s liberation movement has done more to harm us as a society than it has ever done to empower women as a gender.. originally,, i based my thoughts on this subject solely on my inability to find a guy that didn’t expect me to support him…

i decided that when women became liberated, and quit remaining married to men simply because they were their sole source of support,,  the male children of all of those single “supermoms” decided that was how life was supposed to be,, women working, and them laying around drinking beer and looking good….

lately i have read a handful of posts that have caused me to realize that today,, we are dealing with the after math of the first real generation born into the “equality of the sexes”.. we find ourselves in a situation where those same women that took a firm stance and entered the work force, only to find out they couldn’t find a date that had a job,, and those same guys that were raised to believe that it was ok to just kick back and be supported by women,, have not only procreated,, but are finding themselves in the position of becoming the grandparents…. and it is there in that this really gets complicated….

back in january, my friend anthony north wrote a post entitled, the female serf in which he outlines his take on how the “liberation” of the female sex was one the very necessary stepping stones in creating the consumerist society in which we find ourselves.. he says,, and i feel he has every right to,, that had women not taken to the work place the average families cash flow would never have been adequate to sustain the level of consumerism necessary to put us in the state of mass financial crisis we are currently finding ourselves….

and then just this morning i read two posts, one by cordieb called african american grandmothers, and one by raw dawg buffalo called when grandmommas gone, both of which are centered around the fact that the long standing matriarchal dominated black community is noticeably evolving as well.. and i realized that the women that they are discussing,, the grandmoms that are currently raising the children, and often the grandchildren today, while one or both of the parents are absent,, are the last of a dying breed.. the last generation before women’s lib really took effect,, and their plight is a direct result of women,, just like me..

the women born in the late fifties and early sixties.. the women that came of age in the first real era of liberation.. the women that grew up supporting themselves and believing that we can not only be anything a man can be,, but we don’t need one,, especially one that is gonna lay around and not work,, or expect us to not only pay half the bills,, but do all the house work and child rearing as well……. and i could not help but take that one step further and wonder,, where are we going to be when all the grandmoms are gone,, and there is no one left,, but us,  to raise the children??

to be continued…..