in essence,, my contribution to the items in that my parents placed in that garbage bag that accompanied me to my grandma’s house that summer,, was me.
Garbage by ~mordere on deviantART
the problem here in lies,, that when i got to grandmas,, when i set about unpacking my little “garbage bag full of freedom”,, i never unpacked all the little pieces of me i had stuffed into that bag over the years…
i had finally been given a chance to live outside of the constraints of the religion i blamed for my inability to fit in.. i had been given the opportunity i had always dreamed about,, the opportunity to rise above it all,, to be free, to be me…
but instead of doing that,, instead of flourishing in my new found freedom, i set off (subconsciously at first i believe) to alienate myself from everyone that reached out to me.. with in a matter of months,, my grandma had me pack up my little garbage bag,, and sent me home.. my parents who didn’t want me living in their house as it was their feeling that i was setting a bad example for my two younger sisters, were only too relived when a friend from schools parents agreed to let me stay with them.. i never even spent one night in my parents house before i was on the move again…… it only took me a record breaking 7 months to fuck up that living arrangement,, which resulted in me being sent home, yet again…
this time i had no other options.. neither did my parents.. so i stayed for a couple of months,, just long enough to get myself pregnant.. when i knew for sure that i was pregnant,, i stopped in at a local runaway shelter to see if they would help me intercede with my parents as i was sure if i told them,, they would want me out of the house again.. i had three months left of high school and really wanted to graduate.. (my mother had told me that i was a quitter,, and i would never finish anything… and i was desperate to prove her wrong..) so together,, the shelter councilor on one phone, and i on another,, called my family.. my mom wouldn’t talk to me,, and my dad said i was no longer welcome to live in his home as i was disrupting their family. so i lived the last three months of high school in a run away shelter.. the shelter had extended my stay as much as possible in order to accommodate my desire to graduate,, but as soon as that was achieved,, i had to go… i essentially became homeless, living day to day in motel rooms,, staying with the parents of one of the kids i had met in the run away shelter,, all the while, working two jobs till i could afford a place to live on my own…
by seventeen i had established a pattern for myself i have found it nearly impossible to break.. i run.. i disappear.. i live somewhere until i fuck it up,, and move on.. to date i have lived in six states.. i have lived in 22 cities,, and i am unable to count the number of actual places i have called home,, but i am betting the numbers run very close to a hundred…
at fourty seven years of age,, i have been blessed with the intercession of a benefactor,, that has made it possible for me to live out the remainder of my days in one place.. i have a home.. i no longer have to run.. i have against all odds been afforded the opportunity,, once agian to rise above it all,, and am still carrying pieces of me around in a crumpled old garbage bag…
the time has come for me to unpack…
July 31st, 2008 at 6:19 am
That’s one sad story, yet with a slight hint of change in which we can believe. Running can be a vital step sometimes in one’s life, yet at a certain point, one must stop and ponder why we’re actually still running, and what we’re really running from. Is it because we are scared of ourselves, or is it because we’re scared of others?
July 31st, 2008 at 6:33 am
Sometimes that’s all it takes, the right person and the right time to unpack all the stuff buried at the bottom of your soul.
((((hugs)))))
July 31st, 2008 at 8:27 am
It would be amazing to sit with you and probably talk to you about that rich experience about life you have accumulated over years, 22 cities is not a easy thing to live in..I am sure you would have lots that would help me..or anyone for that matter
July 31st, 2008 at 8:30 am
I moved all the time too. I know the sense of upheaval that can bring. It’s true, some things stay in boxes — they have to — until the time is right.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:01 am
What struck me the most about this story — and perhaps all the more so because I’m also 47 — is that you and I have lived at different sides of the spectrum. It’s as if everything that you acted out, I have held in. I have, perhaps, been so fearful of doing the wrong thing, that sometimes I wonder if I’ve ever really lived at all. And my greatest fear is that I’ll reach the end of my life still feeling that way!
July 31st, 2008 at 9:04 am
Christ, Jodi, I just can’t imagine how difficult your life has been…..and yet here you are, strong, or you seem very strong to me, capable, creative. I want a river of good things to flow your way.
July 31st, 2008 at 9:07 am
I’m always amazed at how children fall through the cracks under the auspices of religion. Such hypocrisy befuddles me! Time to unpack the garbage bag, toss the rotten bits!
Better yet, burn them, start again! Clear the slate, remembering actions speak louder than words. When you know better,,,,,you do better!!! I believe some people don’t emotionally mature until very late in life. Some never do…. I heard Louise Hay speak just yesterday of how we create the environment in which we dwell on! Her life changed at fifty she’s now a beauty at eighty who lives in the moment! Imagine your life as you wish it to be, not how it was in the past. Do you even know how you wish it to be? Please tell me how your life would look if you were living your dream!!!
Thanks for sharing such intimate details of your life. Very brave of you!
Love and hugs Sherrie
July 31st, 2008 at 9:28 am
It has indeed Paisley. Second (and third,fourth….chances) are sometimes what we all need. I have many regrets and many decisions that I wish I could undo and make right but that’s not how life works, is it? One thing I do know that’s true. Beating ourselves up over our mistakes along the way serves no purpose. Learn from then and move on. I wish you a wonderful, meaningful life ahead….you’ve got lots of living still to do, I feel sure of that.
July 31st, 2008 at 12:09 pm
This story seems so familiar. I could have very easily have gone down that same road. I went through that whole religion thing, hard core fundamental Baptist. I wish you the best and hope you achieve the stability and happiness you deserve.
hugs,
Sherry
July 31st, 2008 at 12:45 pm
After reading this and Ben’s story; I can only say that you are truly grateful for your blessings; with gratefullness comes continued grace! Be prepared for Extraordinary Grace to pour into your being some time in the near future dear Paisley. You will see! Peace, Light and Love, CordieB.
July 31st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
paisley,
If you like the person you are now, then thank yourself for the past that got you to this point. If you’re unhappy with who you are now then try Giggle’s (Sherrie) suggestion and decide who, what and where you want to be and make a plan on how to get there. I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, made more than a goodly share of bad decisions and some how got to where I am. Not so long ago my youngest child asked what I would change about my life. After due reflection I answered him with all honesty: nothing.
Everyday I try to make at least one other person’s life better. I see that you do the same.
For me that’s enough.
rel
July 31st, 2008 at 1:41 pm
blown away - but mostly by your acceptance of responsibility for much of the “fuck up” parts once you moved out of the parental digs… in my experience, the introspection/acceptance required to take that on is an important thing to “unpack”. rather than dwell on where mistakes were made, you’re focusing on how to put it behind you! lovely!
July 31st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
reaching this point is a watershed of sorts..and I wish you well unpacking…I have sort of gone at it in the opposite direction..I am more than ready to unpack but haven’t found where I want to do it..maybe I am just procrastinating..but the unpacking is the important part.. live learn and settle within..
July 31st, 2008 at 7:42 pm
i can completely relate to the pattern of running. i’m glad you’ve decided to unpack.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:10 am
I am here, reading you though i don’t often comment…you write so beautifully…i enjoy you so much.
August 1st, 2008 at 4:54 am
Unpacking is do difficult to do. I have moved around a bit too and have at least 20 boxes I can’t bring myself to unpack. I know what’s in them - at least I think I do - but I just can’t face the feelings I know will surge up when I see those things again. So in a way I am running by keeping certain things in boxes. Your unpacking has inspired me to address issues in my life I have let stagnate for too long. Thank you.
August 1st, 2008 at 6:42 am
WTF I got scared, gut sick as I read these last writings … Phew … thank heavens you’re unpacking … I’m exhausted … the waiting for you to settle down has been nerve wracking … may peace and love surround you for now and forever. LYM xo.
August 1st, 2008 at 9:26 am
Unpacking helps. I started my unpacking by talking when I was about 14 or 15 to whomever would listen. It got strangely easy, and I’m curious about that now. Somehow, it took some of the burden off my shoulders. The part I can’t escape from is that not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. IT. I hope your unpacking helps.
August 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
Referring to both this and the previous post, of course you never understood what it meant love yourself, or respect yourself for who you were as a child. You were given nothing to model that after at home - and certainly not shown such expressions by your parents. Having behaved in similar self-sabotaging ways periodically throughout my life, I do know that disengaged feeling that threads itself through your relationships with pretty much everyone. Its just a self-protective measure, Jodi, but you know that. I’m so happy that you have made a departure from that, and are hopefully realizing with each passing day how gifted and worthy of all things wonderful you truly are.