the barlow girls, i need you 2 love me
liza, at liza’s eyeview turned me on to this video,, she said,, she thought of me when she saw it.. and i am ever so glad she did… i know that the feelings that enveloped me as i watched it,, have nothing to do with the artists intention,, but i also know,, it is where my heart led me,, and i could not help but follow….
in it, i saw me, the me i used to be,, watching “me” from the shadows,, and i knew immediately,, that a lot of the reason i feel compelled to hide from who i am,, is because i know that the me i used to be,, would never accept me,, would never understand,, would never love me,, and i am so afraid that i will have to spend the rest of my life,, hiding who i have become,,, from me….
i know there is a part of me that loves her,, a part of me that understands that i am the culmination of all she has been.. but,, i also know she feels as if i have betrayed her,, as i have become everything she fought against with every fiber of her being,, and swore she would never become….
i am unsure of where this revelation will take me.. i am equally unsure how someone goes about reconciling two such very different “me’s”.. but one thing i do know for sure,, is that i do need her 2 love me…
May 18th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Why, why are You still here with me
Didn’t You see what I’ve done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it’s here I see the truth
I don’t deserve You
This song was made for you…. absolutely beautiful lyrics.
May 18th, 2008 at 9:39 am
I don’t quite know how to respond to this other than saying you have the perfect ability to put very complex feelings into words. I know what it takes to do that, and run from it, choosing instead to be sarcastic, or funny. Others seem to want that of me instead and so I pander. If that’s not pathetic, I don’t know what is. “I have wasted so much time pushing you away from me…” That could be said for many of us, left with ourselves after we’ve tried to do what everyone else wanted us to do. Or thought we were supposed to do because it was safe and practical.
May 18th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I agree with Dawn..the hard part is accepting who you are especially if in the past you have tried to be something for everyone else..it’s something I struggled with and usded to escape on the road…just being the real you is hard sometimes
May 18th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
…..”i am unsure of where this revelation will take me.. i am equally unsure how someone goes about reconciling two such very different “me’s”.. but one thing i do know for sure,, is that i do need her 2 love me…”….
That song is for you … wherever the revelation takes you - it’s yours :).
You are loved,
Liza
May 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Great song, I can see the aptness. I am constantly amazed by how you are brave enough to open yourself up.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:30 am
Definitely your song. I think many people struggle with reconciling two very different parts of themselves. I suspect the younger version of me would not be happy with the present, older version of me. Or maybe I’m using that as an excuse because it’s actually the older version of me who is not happy with the way things have turned out. I think it would be safe to say that the younger you would be awestruck by the writer she becomes. What a marvellous way to turn out!
May 19th, 2008 at 7:12 am
As introspective as I am, I never think about how the old me would think of the new me, because I see them as the same me, just reacting differently to any given moment because now is not then, I have new information, new wants, new needs, new goals, new skills, past mistakes to learn from or ignore — and so on.
Yet you write with such clarity, I think I understand what you are saying about you and your former you. Quite an accomplishment, Paisley, to write in a manner that those of us who haven’t “been there” or see things differently, still pretty much get it, sometimes more than we even want to.
All that aside, I hope your former “me” learns to love your new “me” sooner than later. Hopefully, it will be something as simple as a matter of perspective yet unrevealed.
May 19th, 2008 at 7:53 am
paisley…yes, this is what i meant on my other post at ‘just paisley’…here’s a poem i wrote for NaPoWriMo that somehow helped me be able to ’shed a tear’ as I was unable to at the time, for fear i’d be overtaken with my own pain…but after i wrote the poem i started to feel more precious to my own self! http://moodsandmetaphors.blogspot.com/2008/04/weep-for-me.html
May 19th, 2008 at 8:23 am
I agree with kellypea:
you have the perfect ability to put very complex feelings into words.
AMAZING
May 19th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Little One, It is simple. Embrace all sides of your innate nature and stop dividing yourself in two. Much Love, “Sleeping Kitten - Dancing Dog!”
May 21st, 2008 at 7:06 pm
I read this book once entitled “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers”, and it is basically about making peace with, and eventually accepting and loving every aspect of yourself. EVERY aspect. I forced myself to do all of the “exercises” in the book - for which I normally have less than zero patience - and I found when I finished the book I actually felt quite a bit closer to “whole”. Its definitely an ongoing process, though, that needs to be kept conscious for it to have any lasting effect.
There is not one thing about you, Jodi, that is unloveable. Even the “tough” you. Yes, that’s right. Even that one.