….why paisley???

the barlow girls, i need you 2 love me

liza, at liza’s eyeview turned me on to this video,, she said,, she thought of me when she saw it.. and i am ever so glad she did… i know that the feelings that enveloped me as i watched it,, have nothing to do with the artists intention,, but i also know,, it is where my heart led me,, and i could not help but follow….

in it, i saw me, the me i used to be,, watching “me” from the shadows,, and i knew immediately,, that a lot of the reason i feel compelled to hide from who i am,, is because i know that the me i used to be,, would never accept me,, would never understand,, would never love me,, and i am so afraid that i will have to spend the rest of my life,, hiding who i have become,,, from me….

i know there is a part of me that loves her,, a part of me that understands that i am the culmination of all she has been.. but,, i also know she feels as if i have betrayed her,, as i have become everything she fought against with every fiber of her being,, and swore she would never become….

i am unsure of where this revelation will take me.. i am equally unsure how someone goes about reconciling two such very different “me’s”.. but one thing i do know for sure,, is that i do need her 2 love me…

for those of you that do not read just paisley….,, i have had a technical meltdown of sorts over there,, and lost all of my images and categories… thus,, i have spent the better part of the last two days working on manually replacing them all… the good thing is,, that i am having the opportunity to reread a bunch of stuff i had more or less forgotten about…. this is one of those things… enjoy….

chapter 5

back

november 12, 1976

back,, back,, back,, in time.. her mind playing its own little game of catch me it you can … searching, grasping ,, clawing at the memories she now knew,, were only hers for a short time… zipping forward.. zapping back..

back,, back,, back… high school corridor… john norman.. tall, tough,, rough,, long blond hair, tight ,slender, fresh, young body,, bad ass,, bad attitude,, bad boy.. mmmmmmm…..

stealing bottles of liquor from the babysitting jobs she acquired… transporting them in secret,, in her bag.. two dixie cups… the bridge… big gulps,, long hot wet kisses….15 years old…. bodies entwined… breaths quickened.. hearts banging… minds reeling in the yet unknown… a fantasy all their own…

lingering in the school hallways,, fondling,, touching,, bodies screaming out for each other,, her hand slipped down the front of his pants,, subtle.. hidden.. fingers glazing,, dusting … feather light strokes.. just enough to know that he wanted her,,, as much as she wanted him……

fast forward,, gramma’s basement.. home alone.. him inside her.. finally.. at last.. long awaited,, desperately desired,, the accumulation of desire explosive in itself,, impending culmination….

front door.. bang,, bang,, bang, footsteps on the floor over head…. panic…jumping, hobbling, dressing, red faced,, sweating.. unfulfilled… trying not to laugh.. barely breathing….

“hellllooooo… were home… anybody here????” being called out from above…

“we’re down here……..playing pool…” called back from below…

holding him, trying to catch her breath… face buried in his chest,, listening to his heart beat so fast,, so hard,, so loud… she was sure it could be heard upstairs…….

fast forward.. his house,, his room.. dad watching tv in the family room,,, right outside the door… little brother banging on the basement bedroom window.. in the black light,, job poster,, led zeppelin,, strobes flashing,, him on top of her,, beating her to a drum only he could hear.. and her below,, drinking him in like the first drop of water on a desert ravaged tongue….

act normal.. let the little brother in the room.. don’t look freshly fucked… pretend it never happened.. we weren’t doing anything…

feeling him wet inside her jeans.. bathing in the aura… in silence…

photo:

http://eucinpyos.deviantart.com/art/Shapes-I-1128459