a couple of days ago,, i read and responded to a poem linda originally posted on your poems. your stories.,, called the game… and ever since i have been thinking seriously about the ramifications of what i wrote in response,, a poem called i’m ready,, and how it translates into my daily life..
for those of you that don’t “know” me,, i am reclusive.. very reclusive.. i leave the house to go to work a paltry three days a week,, only because i have no other option.. every time i do, i spend hours arguing with myself,, and trying to figure out legitimate reasons not to go,, or create a fabricated reason that is untraceable enough to pass off as a legitimate one.. right this moment,, i don’t have to work untill sunday,, and already i am feeling the panic rumbling around inside of me knowing i only have two days left before i am expected to show up somewhere outside of my world…
i leave my little property maybe once every two weeks to obtain provisions,, (always in the company of both of my dogs,, never alone) which i buy in bulk,, in order to try and to eliminate the need to leave the property at all..
i have no friends,, by choice,,, and because i alienate people.. i do not answer,, nor to i call out on my phone.. i do not attend any social functions,, and certainly never entertain guests.. (although ben was here a couple of days this week,, and for those of you that “know” me,, you know,, no matter how blessed i feel to have him in my life,, those visits are ever so stressful for me)
it only makes sense that,, given my cloistered state of affairs,, i have very little natural stimulation,, or shall we say inspiration,, and for that reason,, i have been relying entirely on prompts to stimulate my creativity for quite some time.. i do believe it has pushed me to advance myself poetically,, forcing me out of “self” in a lot of instances and pushing me to write about things that i most certainly would not have written about had i not been prompted to do so……
however,, you knew there had to be one of those,, didn’t you??? however.. i am bored with them.. i am bored with trying to take the prompt in a different direction.. i am tired of writing about what everyone else is writing about,, and i am tired of feeling as if i need to produce,, and often times doing so solely in the name of production….
in retrospect,, the prompts helped to get me out of myself,, and think about abstract things,, of little or no real consequence,, instead of focusing all eyes on me.. they have seen me thru the grief and depression,, and brought me around to where i find myself today.. and for all of that i am truly grateful…. but i think i need to stop…
you see, in reality,, i am, at this point,, sitting in a little shell of a little world,, waiting patiently for my dogs to die,, so that i can be released from all my earthly ties.. i will be 47 on the seventh of june,, too old to be who i once was,, and even tho i have zero inclination to ever be anyone else,, i am not not really old enough to legitimately expect to wake up dead any time soon…
so i guess, that means i have to find something to inspire me… something besides my past and the writing prompts i have relied so heavily upon over the course of the last year….
i am thinking today i will go out on the property and take some pictures.. i bought a digital camera like a year ago,, and have used it once… who knows… maybe i will see something thru its lens that will inspire me,, and maybe not… but, worst case scenario.. it will get me out of this chair,, won’t it??
photo:
