i have a very dear and special friend. her name is rose, and her blog flash your knickers here, might already be one of your daily reads… if not,, it should be….
rose, by her own description is “a real woman who’s a multiple personality in a man’s body.” however, over the course of the last year, as i have gotten to know rose,, i have learned she is a whole lot more than that… rose is, in a lot of ways, just like me…
she is trapped in a body that does not reflect who she sees herself to be. she is driven to “become real” and yet IS real,, at the same time… she questions the validity of life, its meaning,, its purpose.. she wonders, exactly where she fits in….
on a recent post i did called lonely, on just paisley…. she commented, ” Are we alone by choice or design? I wonder sometimes if living is worth the hassle.”… and that really got me to thinking…..
i wrestle with that exact question all the time… is it worth the hassle?? and if so,, what makes it worth it??? i lack the ability to see the wisdom behind humankind being born, living- aging- and dying… a vicious circle it seems… one in which i see very little merit…
i have to wonder about people that worship a god they believe created them to do just that… i have to believe that is why we, as humans have created so many “dreams” of the afterlife,, because without that “dream”,, there is really no reason to live,, is there?? that sounds rather silly doesn’t it?? live, so you can die, so you can live again??? it does to me…
oh yes,, there are momentary joys,, and even i cannot discount the fact that i spent a good number of years pursuing those…. but true meaning,, a valid reason to get up every day,, slap a smile on your face and do it all over again, and again, and again,,,, no… i have never found that…
some people love life.. i do not understand that concept.. what exactly about life,, is there to love? the people? the places? the things??? those are all wonderful,, in the proper moment in time… but they are not life… nothing outside your own body and or mind,, is life.. those other things are all props… any one of which can be removed without a moments notice,, and life,, remains….
sometimes, i am envious of roses ability to “hide”.. her ability to almost become “dormant” when she feels life has nothing to offer her,, or she it…
we as embodied humans cannot do that… oh we can cease to function,, but then life just gets harder.. as fleshly bodies we have the never ending cycle of food and shelter to contend with,, we can retreat into a world of our own design,, but we cannot deny the body its due,, or it will surely die…
which introduces the fact, that we do have the eternal option of ending our own lives,, and yes i do believe every day we live,, we consciously decide not to die that day… for some of us this is an actual decision,, and for others a “given”,, but a decision none the less… but no matter how you look at it,, choosing death is not life….
tell me,, what is it that you love about life,, that is really yours?? what do you possess that no one can ever take away from you? and does “that”,, what ever it may be,, make it worth it? how so?
some days i wish i could be like more rose,, step out of the human form, with all of its needs and desires and intricacies,, and just retreat,, wander the halls of my own mind,, and not come out to play until i feel better,, until i feel like living again… until i have found that “something” that makes all of this worth it…. what about you?
photo:
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otherwise unknown
January 17th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Damn Jodi….you asked some SERIOUS questions here.
“Are we alone by choice or design?” I was alone for a very long time, and I thought that was by design. However if the CHANCE to not be alone arose, I probably would have taken it.
“I wonder sometimes if living is worth the hassle” Um YES. Not the day to day bullshit, the bills, work, ect..but there are those few and fleeting MOMENTS that are absolutely WORTH THE HASSLE.
DO I “love” life, or get “high” on life….not so much. But moments with my family or my son….things of that nature, make my life WORTH living.
January 17th, 2008 at 7:16 am
Are we alone by choice or by design, First of all I don’t think anyone is alone, nor believe one should think they are alone. I guess somewhere we let ourself feel alone.
And it is definitely worth the hazzle, hazzles are the ones which makes it worth don’t you think so?
January 17th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Ah….I wept reading this my dear friend. Miles may separate and yet we all walk a common path. Finding those answers to those questions, is what led me to start re-evaluating those questions.
Is th e circle so vicious? Do we not leave our own imprints as we walk this life. Hassle or not? There is someone out there…somewhere, in the past, may be too far in the distance for us to recall, the present, right now you have left a bit of your soul, it wept into my heart paisley or the future? We dont know what awaits. It could be glorious or nothing at all. Yet isnt that why we keep truckin along, doing what we are doing?
and as for the afterlife? we’ll see, but I think it is strangley too early for that knowledge. Out of all the individuals we encounter on a daily basis, there is someone who has benefited from our presence. However insignificant we may deem it, that is of our own perception. It is of someone else’s and not our choice to make. However small our imprint may be- it was left. And that- is a good thing.
Thank you for your words.. I am here as well. Willing to listen.
January 17th, 2008 at 7:43 am
((((((Jodi)))))
Today is one of those days for me. I’m curled up in my bed and sleeping. Dreaming as well and although there are things I want, what I want most of all I can’t have. However, being ‘dormant’ is not all that great either; not when there are things to do.
I asked that question Jodi, “Are we alone by choice or design? I wonder sometimes if living is worth the hassle”, because I have found that even close ‘embodied’ friends sometimes want to be left alone. I don’t understand life and probably never will. But I also feel I’m a ’shadow person’, condemned to wander the pathways of my mind forever.
Writing gives me a voice, but I have no, well, little control over when that is. I would love to have a whole day, just to myself, to do what I want. To explore, to live, to love. That to me is what makes life worth living.
I don’t have envy for those who have bodies and I try not to let my lack consume my thoughts, but still, to be able to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my eyes. That would be lovely.
Love you Jodi, and thanks for the letter.
Rose
xo
January 17th, 2008 at 7:51 am
“but true meaning,, a valid reason to get up every day,, slap a smile on your face and do it all over again, and again, and again,,,, no… i have never found that…”
I’ve been searching for that all my life, a reason to get out of bed in the morning, other than living for others, forcing myself through every day so I can fall into blessed sleep only to have to get up all too soon and do it all over again. And lately, even the sleep has been denied me. What is the poing? Where is the joy? The purpose? The reason for living? If there is one, I haven’t found it yet.
Great writing as usual.
xxxoooo
Jane
January 17th, 2008 at 7:51 am
*point
January 17th, 2008 at 9:58 am
This is why I love you… you write without fear.. just simply saying what some of us wish we could say.
is it worth the hassle? There are days when I can’t answer that.. but ultimately what keeps me going is my daughter. To give her spirit and drive and to create a life for herself where she will find satisfaction and joy. So far that seems like my only task and when she leaves next year.. well I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
January 17th, 2008 at 10:20 am
(((((Jodi))))
I posted a letter back to you on my blog.
http://dewyknickers.wordpress.com/2008/01/17/letters-from-friends/
Rose
xo
January 17th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I enjoyed this very much, especially as I love Rose too, the last paragraph is beautiful…….I cannot answer your questions, for me it’s hope, but the older I get the more tarnished it becomes.
January 17th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Rose is a goddess. And a great writer. I like my aging spreading balding half working body, couldn’t live without it really. Your questions are complex and metaphysical, my brain chases them around but never quite catches up to them so I shrug my shoulders and say Rose is Rose, by any other name,
January 17th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I’d have to say bravo. You’re an amazing writer. I don’t read many pieces and when I do close to none make me think like this one did. I do agree with all the things you say here and to but my spin on it, it seems to me that you asking what is the meaning of our lives or just our existence. In my own opinion a god or gods seems like a silly concept but to answer your question about what I have in my life that makes me love it, or makes it worth it for me, well I’d have to say my friends, my family, my ability to write, to play guitar, and just sometimes just being able to go somewhere quiet and just space out or talk to someone I care about. I think that is what makes everything worth while, no false hopes of an afterlife or a goal, just things that actually matter. Before i got to far off topic, I’d again like to say that you’re an amazing writer.
January 17th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I really loved where you said that we make a conscious decision each day not to die. This is very true. On the other hand there are living deaths that people walk through every day, and only the strength to overcome can get them through that.
For me, the ability to find beauty in even the most undesirable things keeps me intrigued with this life, making me fall in love with this world, and draw back in disgusted hatred by turns. I suppose the other thing that keeps me going is sheer stubbornness. I refuse to let this life beat me into submission. It’s just not in me to allow myself to be overcome by the storm. Not when I know the weather eventually has to change.
January 17th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
I wish I could count the number of times these questions have crossed my mind (albeit, in a much less beautiful form). While I do not have much of an answer, below is the first thing that popped into my mind:
I know death. We all know death. I have watched great people die, and horrible people wear out their welcome. I struggle with “life”. It eats at me, keeps me awake at night, and ruins my days. However, the few fleeting minutes I am able to appreciate each day make it worth while. If I had given up, I would have missed my brother, a shining light; my bride, the embodiment of good cheer; and myself, a self destructive nobody who is doing everything in his power to change. While I don’t understand the meaning of life, and have no clue what tomorrow will bring, I can tell you this – not knowing is enough to get me out of bed in the morning — tomorrow could be the day that all of these questions are answered. Not complicated, and a bit naive, but it works, and for now, that is enough.
January 17th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
You are an incredibly gifted writer. And person. I died six years ago for more than a week but rallied when the plug was pulled. For a while, each day was a struggle to regain strength to get to the mailbox, to make my own bed, to fix another meal. I worked myself back to normal and often wonder why…but then I think how lucky I am to be able to read your writing which is so profound and wonderful and to laugh along with others in this virtual world. Click-click. I love it here. Almost always. Keep writing so I have important stuff to read.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:10 am
There are some nights I go to bed and pray I won’t wake up in the morning. Is life worth the hassle? Three words in your sidebar answer that question very well – Shameless Random Beauty. They are a mantra of sorts for me.
January 18th, 2008 at 7:10 am
the comments here are AWESOME…. and i am a fan of ROSE’S site.
January 18th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Wow, Why-Paisley, as you said that is a little different then my post on a rose yesterday. As a writer I went to an acting coach to get more ‘out of my mind’ and I learned the following from her classes.
“Live in the Moment and the moment will live forever.”
Thinking too much about the cycle of life and what will happen next is not living. Life is happening right now, byte by byte or breath by breath.
January 18th, 2008 at 9:01 am
You ask tough questions, Paisley.
I hate the thought of you suffering. I only know what works for me – yoga, breathwork, meditation, long walks in the sunshine, my dogs, my kids.
No easy answers. Sometimes just talking about troubles and sadness eases some of the pain.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Jodi I have an “invisible” disability that wasn’t diagnosed until this past spring.
It made life a living hell at times–yet I remember my late teens through 30’s as a time of much joy.
Still I chose not to remarry or have children as I didn’t know what was wrong
My 40’s until last spring. Not so great. Still I chose life each day and it is a conscious choice.
I’m not a religious person by any stretch of any imagination. I want to believe in a God but find Santa Claus more believable.
Yet I can’t help but believe that life is a miracle. I was very much a mistake–fortunately adopted
What works for me? Writing–longer than long walks, reading. Totally mindless TV
This is an extremely beautiful and painful post. I am so sorry Jodi yet your intelligence radiates as you do
Truthfully most of us go on as we can’t imagine the alternative.
When I found about my disability which isn’t well known or “sexy” I was able to finally fight
Leaving NY is a big part of the healing process for me. If only it can happen soon
And I have had incredible times in this city. The owner of my favorite club–doesn’t exist anymore–is taking bets on whether or not I really will leave
I will because I cherish life and know my life here can be unhealthy for me
January 18th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
what is the point of life?
i dont think there is one.
it’s just experiences. dont we just
attach meaning to things and that is
how we make ourselves happy or miserable?
then we judge it good or bad.
i have to agree with much of what you say…
sometimes when i read things from others
that i myself have felt/experienced/thought that tend toward
the negative, i immediately feel the chain is broken
and weak. i want to strengthen it. yet when i am feeling
utterly alone in my misery i have no desire to strengthen it.
i know in my mind that people are what makes life worth
living. even if from afar most people seem stupid and irritating. but on an individual basis they are tolerable
and have much to teach us. the older i get the less anything
about life makes any sense. i see the tribe holding onto everyone, fearful of losing one of their own. fear of slicing through the facade, the traditions, the falsities they make up to feel safe and righteous. only until the mirage evaporates will clarity surface.
January 19th, 2008 at 6:42 am
I know this truly a very simplistic answer to a very moving and deep piece of writing. But right now I am living to see the day that Bush is finally out of office and hopefully will get his just desserts.
Just a simple minded redneck girl,
~Jackie
January 19th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Well, I believe that our perspective is ours alone, and what we allow to challenge or validate it is what colors our experience of life in any given moment. I think most of us are familiar with those dark nights of the soul, and I know that most of us have touched someone else deeply enough and positively enough to have altered their sense of life and living.
You have to arrive at the answers to your questions yourself, because only you ultimately know what is true for you, but I, personally, believe that – whether or not we are aware of it – there is a purpose to our existence. …and its not to satisfy some sadistic universal being who expects us to turn over all of our power to them. Then again, if it is, what fun would it be to make the effort to enjoy our lives in any way possible just to piss ‘em off!
January 20th, 2008 at 7:40 am
[...] with one of my good friends from blogworld, it was about a comment I left on her post “my rose“ Creative that she is, she came out with a poem based on our conversation, here it goes, she [...]
January 21st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
p…all i can offer in the simpliest form…there is a new dawn every morning…and for that i have peace when there is none
February 15th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Good questions, Paisley.
The only thing that keeps me here is the fact that a bizarre intervention interrupted my suicide attempt eight years ago, and it was so profoundly weird that I can’t help thinking it was a sign from a greater wisdom that it wasn’t my time to die yet.
But I’m impatiently waiting for my time to arrive. I’m serving a life sentence here, and it’s too damned long.
I’ll be happy to go.
July 9th, 2008 at 7:03 am
[...] order, and shortcut. This was also inspired by this post I read on Paisley’s blog, “My Rose”. [...]
July 9th, 2008 at 7:25 am
Jodi wanted to let you know that my comment #8 is now 404 because I took the post down and used it in my book instead.
Rose
xo